Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my MIL was way, way out of order about this and I deserve an apology?

173 replies

InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 11:03

Namechanged.
Went shopping with MIL yesterday. My birthday a few weeks ago and she wanted -no INSISTED- on buying me a present for it (I put 'inisited' in capitals because I don't want anybody to think I pressurised her into it. I did not. 'We must buy you what you want' she said. Made a really big deal of this getting what I want). Anyway, after a few walks around a few shops, I saw a lovely vase that I fancied (I was careful that it fell into price range that she was prepared to spend) . I presented her with vase, to which her response was:' I'm not buying that. It's horrible!!

I am afraid this soured the whole weekend for me, and I was not as 'accommadating' to her needs as usual.

I can't stand her now and do not know how to move on from this (for my husband's sake) Couldn't care less if I never saw her again.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 13:40

There is bound to be unpleasantness if you take offence over trivialities. It must be like walking on eggshells.

TandB · 11/04/2011 13:41

Who is cotswoldcountrymummy? I keep seeing references to her.

Original poster
InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 13:43

exoticfruits, would you be happy if your MIL insisted on buying you a present (even when you tried to tactfully tell her there was no need) , made YOU drive 20 miles to the shopping centre, then decry your taste as 'horrible', did not offer to get anything in return and then made you drive 20 miles back? Would this not just piss you off a bit?!

OP posts:
zukiecat · 11/04/2011 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CinnabarRed · 11/04/2011 13:44

So what did she buy you if she didn't buy you the vase?

EldritchCleavage · 11/04/2011 13:46

the black and white sequinned maribou trim chain strap handbag

Ooh, I'll have it if you don't want it) for the nieces' dressing-up box, you understand, not for myself. Oh No).

Original poster
InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 13:47

zukiecat. It's your mother, though, isn't it? Somebody you will be forgiving of. I'm talking about my MIL here, I have not got unconditional love for her- I've no love of her at all. I tolerate her, she tolerates me. It's the way it's always been, but she insisted on spoiling this tolerance and ruining the balance of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 13:47

She did not buy anything.

OP posts:
WalterFlipschicks · 11/04/2011 13:48

I agree with what others have said that your personality is clearly shown here on this post. You have reacted badly when anyone disagrees with you, people will disagree with you throughoput your life, they are not criticising you in doing so, they are merely putting their own point across when asked.
I think this is probably not helping the relationship with your MIL as clearly you are very alike (you may not like that!)
So if you are saying you cannot cut her from your life you need to take the higher ground and just learn to laugh at her!
Oh and ps. stop reacting so agressively to people on here, this will always result in a bunfight and you will ALWAYS lose! Grin

shinyrobot · 11/04/2011 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olderyetwider · 11/04/2011 13:51

As you say, she isn't your mother, but she is your DH's mother. Maybe you could just remember that she's the person who brought up your DH, and cut her a bit of slack. We can all be a bit annoying at times.

Original poster
InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 13:53

He knows this and he did have a word with her, explaining that in this case his wife was in the right and that he would always now have to put his wife first. No apology from her, though.

OP posts:
SueSylvesterforPM · 11/04/2011 13:53

I think you're being oversensitive

its not that unusual though I can get very o.sensitive abouyt things my mother says and later think 'what?'

have a Brew and think of something else

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 13:54

exoticfruits, would you be happy if your MIL insisted on buying you a present (even when you tried to tactfully tell her there was no need) , made YOU drive 20 miles to the shopping centre, then decry your taste as 'horrible', did not offer to get anything in return and then made you drive 20 miles back? Would this not just piss you off a bit?!

Not really-I would treat it as a day out, have a coffee, choose something else. It is hardly a big deal and easy enough to find something.

NestaFiesta · 11/04/2011 14:03

OP you say "He knows this and he did have a word with her, explaining that in this case his wife was in the right and that he would always now have to put his wife first"

I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for the MIL. She made a tactless remark, then had her son tell her that his wife was right and that she always comes first. Wow, in her shoes I would be miserable.

There is a difference between being annoying and being evil. I think some perpective is needed. It's a long time since I've seen an OP as furiously angry as this.

zukiecat · 11/04/2011 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrSpoc · 11/04/2011 14:20

Sorry Op but YABU.

MIL was tactless but still her choice what she buys with her money. So I am not sure why you are still fuming. Some of the things you have said about her are horrible and if my wife spoke about my mother the way you do, then I would get rid of her.

Also not sure where the class has come into it!

Where I am from if you have guests over then you bend over backwards to make them feel it home. May be I have more class Smile

NinkyNonker · 11/04/2011 14:32

Really?! Grin

Jilkh · 11/04/2011 14:34

I signed onto mumsnet yesterday and have never seen such bitching and bullying in my life - all from a group of grown women! Would you gang up like this at a mother and toddler group?

Obviously this lady feels strongly about the incident and even if you think she's being childish, having a laugh at her expense is also low.

I'm expecting my first child in the summer. If this kind of behaviour acceptable among mothers, I'm alarmed about what my kid can expect in the playground.

Surely there's no need...

MmeSurvivedLent · 11/04/2011 14:36

Jilkh
Welcome to MN. How kind of you to come to the OP's rescue - not that she needs it, she seems to very good at dishing out insults and indeed was the first one to do so.

Jilkh · 11/04/2011 14:44

Thanks for the welcome, MmeSurvived Lent!

I know what you mean about dishing out insults but she's obviously feeling under attack, and I can see why.

Guess I thought mummies wouldn't speak like this at all - obviously naive!

exoticfruits · 11/04/2011 14:45

You will get support elsewhere Jilkh-you only get this sort of response on AIBU. People persist on posting, so sure they are right and they can't take it when people disagree. In this case people are disagreeing.
Look at the facts
MIL wanted to buy a present that OP would like and so took her rather than just presenting. She made a tactless remark about a vase OP took offence and NEVER WANTS TO SPEAK TO HER AGAIN!!

The whole situation would have been avoided if OP had seen it as a day out together, a social occasion with a coffee stop. Had asked MIL what she had in mind and had viewed and discussed the vases, getting some sort of agreement before she plumped for one-perhaps narrowing it down to 3 first.

As it was OP went off with bad grace, didn't want to spend time with the woman, didn't want to waste time and petrol.Saw a vase, no discussion-said that one and MIL gave reflex reaction. Instead of saying 'which do you prefer?' and seeing if there was a compromise she took the huff and never wants to speak to her again!!

She was being unreasonable. You need a bit of tact on both sides, you don't get it back if you don't give it in the first place.

NestaFiesta · 11/04/2011 14:45

Lectures not necessary Jilkh. This is a forum for opinions. OP asked for opinions, did not like them, and then dished out insults. Most OPs ask for opnions, and take it on the chin.

TBH most people haven't disagreed that the MIL was tactless, but are taken aback by the level of anger and outrage in the OP's response to "vase-gate".

I don't think this makes us bitchy bullying mothers and I take exception to your post.

Katisha · 11/04/2011 14:46

"mummies don't speak like this"?

Does being a mummy make you all sweetness and light then?

MmeSurvivedLent · 11/04/2011 14:47

Jilkh
Don't judge the whole of MN by one thread on AIBU - easily the most contentious area of MN - and certainly not by a thread like this.

And just because we are (not all, but most of us) mummies, doesn't mean we always agree.

Swipe left for the next trending thread