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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that my MIL was way, way out of order about this and I deserve an apology?

173 replies

InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 11:03

Namechanged.
Went shopping with MIL yesterday. My birthday a few weeks ago and she wanted -no INSISTED- on buying me a present for it (I put 'inisited' in capitals because I don't want anybody to think I pressurised her into it. I did not. 'We must buy you what you want' she said. Made a really big deal of this getting what I want). Anyway, after a few walks around a few shops, I saw a lovely vase that I fancied (I was careful that it fell into price range that she was prepared to spend) . I presented her with vase, to which her response was:' I'm not buying that. It's horrible!!

I am afraid this soured the whole weekend for me, and I was not as 'accommadating' to her needs as usual.

I can't stand her now and do not know how to move on from this (for my husband's sake) Couldn't care less if I never saw her again.

OP posts:
GreenEyesandHam · 11/04/2011 11:48

OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH BoF those vases!!!

The boot!!

Jeez I'm ho-ho-ho-ing all over the place here

LadyWord · 11/04/2011 11:50

Instrop. Ok you're not responding with much grace to the YABUS, but FWIW, I totally know where you are coming from! I have had to deal with this thing over presents - the insisting on getting you something, making a big flap about it, then not wanting to get you want you want, and basically taking over - often followed by much huffing about the expense and hassle. My mum does it, my sister does it, and my MIL does it. It is about them, it is about them wanting to feel important, and even I would go so far as to say, in control, using a method that forces you to be compliant and grateful because they are being "generous".

I hate it, to the point where I am actually really oversensitive about presents in general, find them deeply embarrassing and would rather the whole present-giving culture vanished.

I can totally understand something like this pissing you of so much that it really gets you down - when it's someone who has been royally pissing you off for years. It's a last straw thing.

You can move on - calm down, be kind to yourself, let it go.

MmeSurvivedLent · 11/04/2011 11:51

Brilliant idea, GreenEyes.

C'mon, Instrop. I am nosy now. Link to the vase.

Is this your MIL's cat

Original poster
InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 11:52

GreenEyesandHam. That's the best suggestion yet. Thank you.

OP posts:
GreenEyesandHam · 11/04/2011 11:53

My work here is done :o

Loonytoonie · 11/04/2011 11:55

Perhaps you should have elaborated a little OP, or failing that, worded your post a little less strongly. No doubt that your MIL sounds difficult but your reactions haven't won you the support I feel you were looking for. Compare your vase gripe with the poster who birthed her still-born baby only to have her MIL be so cruel, then you may understand people's reactions.

Not been on this site for long, but I've quickly learnt not to drip-feed information. It doesn't help your case.

Original poster
InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 11:56

Well, obviously trying to be accommodating to her all these years has not worked, so I've been wasting my time thinking politeness will get politeness back. I'm just going to have to become as unpleasant as she is. It's the only way.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 11/04/2011 11:56

I don't think I would ever pick a vase as a present. Ever, ever, ever. It's so dull.

So, on that basis OP, YABU, you should have picked a nice lipstick or a vibrator or something.

purplebrickroad · 11/04/2011 11:57

My mil is so awful that she has, inadvertently cured me of my residual fear of going to hell. Lower your expectations and train yourself to deal with her with least stress to yourself.

Original poster
InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 11:59

Looneytoonie, that comment was awful, but, in all honesty my MIL would be just as likely to say such an awful thing. I don't like comparing 'what is worse comment?' but she is so insensitive that when her husband was dying of cancer on his deathbed she said that she forgave him for dying! She is unbelievable.

OP posts:
WalterFlipschicks · 11/04/2011 12:00

Good lord, the face ache I have from this thread!! Grin

I love good comebacks and insults and would like to list my favourites here!

To summarise

  1. Zero class
  2. Dull as anything
  3. I'm not a net mummer you are

God I needed cheering up this morning and this thread has succeeded!!

Loonytoonie · 11/04/2011 12:00

FWIW, my own Mum buys us the most horrific of presents. Once have my husband a 'vintage' bottle of brandy (been under her damp stairs for 20 years, label peeling off, stunk of smoke and had actually gone-off) and me a diary that was for the year before. She's not batty - she's quite calculated and buys us stuff to reflect how she feels for us (bought my brother and his wife a Mini Cooper). I treated myself to a second hand bike last week (oh the sheer indulgence) so I could take my girls cycling, and she wiped the floor with me for being wasteful. shrugs But I know her by know, and try not to be affected by it.

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 11/04/2011 12:03

ShirleyNot is spot on, cheerfully ask her to take you again and go to a sex shop and ask for the biggest vibrator in the price range Smile
And some lube Wink

Loonytoonie · 11/04/2011 12:04

OP, like I said, you've drip-fed your post and reacted badly to some piss-taking. Had you mentioned some of the other stuff and focused less on the material aspect, then you'd probably have got some constructive advice. But Well, obviously trying to be accommodating to her all these years has not worked, so I've been wasting my time thinking politeness will get politeness back. I'm just going to have to become as unpleasant as she is. It's the only way. is not helpful. It'll only make you as bad as her. You just need to step away and stop letting her play you.

ShatnersBassoon · 11/04/2011 12:07

InstropwithMIL Mon 11-Apr-11 11:56:15
I'm just going to have to become as unpleasant as she is. It's the only way.

I admire your ability to remain humourless Grin

MrBloomEatsVeggies · 11/04/2011 12:10

Your job is to put up with your MIL with grace. Unless, of course, she is inherently vicious and unpleasant.

Buy the vase. Give it pride of place and point it out to her next time she comes.

Life is too short to get wound up about things you cannot change, ie. the fact that your MIL is your MIL. Let this one go.

Original poster
InstropwithMIL · 11/04/2011 12:11

What I need to do is not be around when she visits, or at least seriously limit the time I spend with her. God knows that I would be happy never to see her again, it is true- she is not MY mother yet she is such a nutjob (hence 'forgiving' her own husband for dying) that she thinks that I will have unconditional love for her. I don't and never will- but appreciate my husband would be very hurt if he never saw her, so even if I could put her off visiting for life, I would not do it.

OP posts:
HipposGoBeserk · 11/04/2011 12:19

My mother gives presents away too MmeLindt. And as she gets older she gets more muddled about it and frequently gives people back the presents they have bought her saying "so-and-so bought me this, don't know what they were thinking, I'll never use it, would you like it?" Umm, no Mum, that was from me Hmm Grin

ENormaSnob · 11/04/2011 12:37

IMO you have overreacted but I think your mil was really rude tbh.

mamatomany · 11/04/2011 12:43

Yes yes go back and buy the vase for yourself and lament it's beauty everytime you see her Grin
There is more than one way to skin a cat without going around the twist yourself, I'm still learning myself trust me but when it happens it's a good feeling Grin

JanMorrow · 11/04/2011 12:44
Hmm
StealthyKissBeartrayal · 11/04/2011 12:46

You need to pull her up on it as she does it - when she said that could you not have replied "But you have been telling everyone we are going out to get something I like for my birthday - now you are saying you're only prepared to buy something if you like it. If that it the case I'd rather not bother thank you. Shall we go home?"

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 11/04/2011 12:50

I do see your point. and fwiw, I agree it was most rude of her.

I want to buy you something

Thank you, what about this

yuk. no (subtext - your taste is horrible)

however, you have been very agressive with people here. You did post asking for opinions. You got them. When they weren't what you wanted to hear, you went on the attack, were so hostile. If that is the same attitude that you have in rl, then you will indeed have many problems with your mother in law, and with anyone else you feel doesn't fall in line with you.

There is a saying - you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

I think that's worth bearing in mind.

confuddledDOTcom · 11/04/2011 12:56

You've not lost many people you're close to you have you? Forgiving someone for dying is something a lot of people struggle with and in no way compares to the MIL who asked if it hurts to deliver a still baby!

I'm not sure what it is about neonatal death that brings out the comments! I'm so amazed by the things people I say I usually forget to be offended! Medical professionals amuse me most but they do give me material for "My OB Said What?!?"

CinnabarRed · 11/04/2011 12:57

What did she get you instead of the vase?

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