to NOT have smacked DS1 when he bit and kicked me

[LargeLatte]

Long - sorry.

DS1 (5yr 10mo) has had an hour long melt down. We were leaving my Grandad's, I gave him fair warning first, then when I went to put his shoes on he kicked me.

I told him not to kick me, I kept my cool, put him in the car while he bit down on my arm, then as I leant across he bit into my back.

As I reversed the car he undid his seat belt, so I got out and went to strap him back in, and he sprinted past me and down the drive.

My Grandad's pearl of wisdom - 'you can't let him do that to you'- I think the implication being that I should've hit him back.

I caught him, put him back in the car and said (again still amazingly calmly) 'If you hurt me again or undo your seat belt we won't watch your cartoon before bed'. Result - still swearing and angry but otherwise a safe drive home.

I opened the car door and off he ran down the road, really fast - have got him home safe and sound after a few minutes.

I'm not a smacker. I'm not a shouter. I do natural / logical consequences, but I can't help but think that if I had lost it with him when he first kicked me (like many other parents I have seen) he would've just bl00dy behaved himself!

I'm another one who agres with squeaky,

largelatte

I have to go to bed now as I have my own little bundles of joy with ASD to teach tomorrow. I also have to add its a class of 6 pupils with ASD aged 4-7.

Please PM me if you want to talk.

Best of luck.

Zonkin- It is irrelevant what is legal/illegal in other countries. I reside in the UK, and abide by UK laws. Its like me saying oh well in Sharia law I could stone my next door neighbour to death.
You dont have to LIKE how other people parent their own children, you dont even have to agree. But one size does not fit all and to call a rare smack as part of a discipline regime that works well for one child abuse is playing down what abused children really do go through.

I think I would probably have smacked for the biting if nothing else.

After that sort of display DS would be in trouble for a week. No tv, no xbox, straight home from school and into his room.

He wouldn't dare behave like that because the consequences would scare him.

Missing one cartoon? Come on, he has no respect for you because you have taught him he doesn't need to.

I think you were amazing in your reaction - I'm sure I would have shouted (although NOT smacked!) at being bitten!
Did you have a chat with him at home about how wrong it was to have bitten/run off/sworn etc.? I know he's five but I would definitely discuss why he behaved like this - what he was hoping to achieve and why it was not nice and downright dangerous to run off!

I think I might not allow TV for a couple of days given the seriousness of his actions (biting and running off), so hopefully the message that this behaviour is NOT acceptable will be remembered and really discouraged.

Does he often kick off around transition times going from one thing to another? My dd used to be like this and I found that giving her plenty of pre warning of what was happening and what to expect helped a lot. Even now - she is 5yo - she wouldn't cope if I suddenly stood up an said 'right we are going now'. She needs lots of notice!!!

So a child displaying violent tendencies should be punished by an adult displaying violent tendencies, according to some of you?

Of course YANBU for not smacking and shouting (I am impressed by your restraint btw!), but I think that level of bad behaviour needs more of a consequence than just missing a cartoon.

Biting, hiting, swearing and running off were all unacceptable not to mention the fact that running off was potentially dangerous. I would have broken it down so there was a punishment for each example of bad behaviour so the child can see a direct link.

A lot of kids that age have trouble at home time. It's a PITA but they do get over it.

That's right leanmeancoffeebean to be frank I don't care if the reason he is not kicking/biting me is because he is afraid I will do it back. He will not do that to his mother.

I am trying to imagine a reality where DS1 did this and I have to say I can't because he knows that his life would be unbearable for a very long time. Raising a hand (or a foot or a mouth) to your mother is not something that happens in our family. Hell would have frozen over before I tried it with mine, she would have whacked my arse and I would have been in the shit for an extended period.

I am an easy going probably overly indulgent parent, but this shit is totally outside the realms of acceptable behaviour.

Clearly what the OP is doing isn't working, her kid thinks it is OK to kick and bite her and run into the road when he is almost 6.

Remember biting in BFeeding though - you have to detach and give a tiny tap. Had forgotten that.

Or would be detached nipple!

I agree he should have stricter boundaries and should experience consequences as a result of his actions. I don't believe, however, that violence or intimidation should be part of that. It's a very mixed message to send a child - you can't hit mummy but mummy can sure as hell hit you. It's hypocritical and there are more calm, measured things to do. I probably would have shouted to get their attention sharpish had they run off, but as someone else said, breaking down their actions and punishing them for each other is a far more reasonable approach, and likely to result in a calmer child anyway.

'you can't hit mummy but mummy can sure as hell hit you.'

No mixed messages there IMO, that would still stand with my mother..

I am the boss here, it is not a democracy, it is a benign dictatorship. Kids will behave or there will be consequences and not 'non' consequences like missing a cartoon. Seriously unpleasant consequences.

DS is almost 7 now and has been smacked maybe 3 times in his life, he isn't an angel he tries it on all the time, but he respects me to follow through on my threats, I don't make them if I don't mean them.

In this situation he would have been given a warning after the first kick that if he kept it up he would be getting a smack and a smack would have been delivered.

Only read OP and first few posts.

Not being a shouter is your best line of defence. It means, that in situations like this, that a good old bellow can surprise the living crap out of them and scare them into behaving. Only to be used in cases of imminent danger.

On a completely unrelated note I appear to have perfected Mum Voice. I shouted at DS so loudly earlier when he was about to do something monumentally studpid that he jumped about a foot in the air and fell down.

I have smacked in the past (good example is when DS turned on the hob and put his hand on it. Luckily I was right next to him and grabbed him. I very deliberately and calmly smacked his hand very hard and said that if he touched the cooker again he'd get another smack. Funnily enough he's never touched it again.

Whatever you smacked your baby for feeding?? ??

As a child I could be an absolute terror at times and would get a slap across the back of the legs. The short sharp shock would bring me out of any screaming mardy tantrum I was having at the time.
I remember once biting my sister. My mum 'nipped' me back, I never did it again. No big deal, I turned out fine!

I do cringe however when you see a parent screaming abuse at a child in the street and swiping a poor child across the head. That is bad!

I would smack for that behaviour as well.

I have smacked my daughter 4 times (when she was putting herself in danger, once when she bit me aged 2).

My DD is also 5 and would never dare behave like that, nowadays I just give her the LOOK that's enough. The last time I smacked her was 2 years ago.

I do think that refusing to watch a cartoon as a punishment for what he did is pathetic tbh.

booandbump your post makes me smile. I remember my dear mother throwing me one of her 'looks'. Terrifying. Kept me in line though!

I find the 'count' my most effective tool as far as naughtiness is concerned. I put as much threat and weight into 1 and have never gotten past 2. Neither of us wants to find out what will happen if I ever get to 3.

MaisyMooCow I learnt the look off my mother!

Morloth my husband does 1,2,3, he never gets as far as 3 either. It is very effective imo.

I think you need to teach him that each action has a logical consequence.
To me the logical consequence of running off would be being made to wear a hand hugger (those handcuff things that attach to your wrist and theirs) every time he goes out until you are sure he can be trusted, no hand hugger no outing!
Every time he takes off his seatbelt stop the car until he has fastened it again then the next day say you were going to go somewhere nice (his favourite place) in the car but cannot as he cannot be trusted to stay strapped in his seat then stick to it and have a very boring day, no tv etc.
Any physical violence is unacceptable, maybe he should have been sent straight to his room when you got home, no tv for a few days, certainly making him know he has hurt you and you do not feel like being with him at the moment, the consequences of injuring someone is they do not want to be in your company.