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AIBU?

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Original poster

to NOT have smacked DS1 when he bit and kicked me

196 replies

LargeLatte · 05/04/2011 20:10

Long - sorry.

DS1 (5yr 10mo) has had an hour long melt down. We were leaving my Grandad's, I gave him fair warning first, then when I went to put his shoes on he kicked me.

I told him not to kick me, I kept my cool, put him in the car while he bit down on my arm, then as I leant across he bit into my back.

As I reversed the car he undid his seat belt, so I got out and went to strap him back in, and he sprinted past me and down the drive.

My Grandad's pearl of wisdom - 'you can't let him do that to you'- I think the implication being that I should've hit him back.

I caught him, put him back in the car and said (again still amazingly calmly) 'If you hurt me again or undo your seat belt we won't watch your cartoon before bed'. Result - still swearing and angry but otherwise a safe drive home.

I opened the car door and off he ran down the road, really fast - have got him home safe and sound after a few minutes.

I'm not a smacker. I'm not a shouter. I do natural / logical consequences, but I can't help but think that if I had lost it with him when he first kicked me (like many other parents I have seen) he would've just bl00dy behaved himself!

OP posts:
Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 21:41

My DD HAS been smacked and has never lashed out at/swore at me..call ME an ineffective parent! It proves nothing really, all it proves is NOT smacking isnt working for her child!

millie30 · 05/04/2011 21:42

Well good for you LeQueen. It must feel wonderful to physically exert yourself over a small child to the point of causing them pain.

surelynotnormal · 05/04/2011 21:43

I wouldn't have hit him.

I would have been extremely cross and withdrawn a privelege though. My nearly 3 year old bolted across the carpark today when I told her to stand still while I strapped her sister in the car.

I had just agreed to buy her a treat in the shop and I told her she wasn't having one. Running away around traffic is not to be fucked about with, and whilst I'm not a smacker, personally, I can understand those who would do something like that to reinforce to the children that they just can't do it - better to be smacked than hit by a car I guess.

I don't really know the background here but your OP says your DS had been having a meltdown for an hour. You should have been out of there way before it escalated, IMO.

catchmeifyoucan · 05/04/2011 21:44

Stupid remark there millie - you're implying there's some premeditation in it. A whack on the arse is a reaction to unacceptable behaviour not a bloody fight plan. You'll be another one with out of control kids in their teens will you?

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 21:44

I teaches- I am the parent, you are the child. You as a child are not equal to me. I am in control. I will discipline you in a way that works for you and prevents you from behaving in a shameful and apalling manner.

LeQueen · 05/04/2011 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 21:45

It is the First time she has EVER lashed out at me and needed nipping in the bud...maybe it's the fact her Dad has been away for 4 months but that's a different story.

millie30 · 05/04/2011 21:46

Actually some posters were saying they do it in a premeditated way.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:46

No, Gemsy. It doesn't prove that not smacking is ineffective.

I don't smack, and my children are well behaved.

You don't smack and your children are well behaved.

There is no correlation between smacking and behaviour.

I can be a strict parent without smacking. If you ask my MIL or my mother they will say that I am strict.

All this thread proves to the OP is that her son's behaviour is not acceptable and that she is correct to be worried.

DaffodilsAndScillas · 05/04/2011 21:46

"What does it teach really, I am bigger than you and can hit you harder and hurt you more."

But for me, that's the whole point here - if you hit me, I will hit you back - and that's an important lesson to learn in life; if you go around hitting people, it is very likely that they will hit you back. And probably a lot harder.

I'd sooner DD had learned that from me with a slap on the leg, than from somebody punching her in the face. As far as I'm concerned, the moment anyone is physically violent with me, all dialogue ceases. And that includes DD.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:47

Gemsy
Please, for the love of God, tell me you are not a teacher.

BitOfFun · 05/04/2011 21:48

I know we are all merrily debating the smacking thing, but I am more worked about Largelatte trying to get her head round that all may not be quite par for the course with her son. It doesn't sound like ypur run of the mill 6 year old behaviour to me AT ALL, and with the meltdowns, literal thinking and bolting off with no sense of danger, I am thinking that this needs looking into in a bit more depth than is happening here.

I hope you're ok, OP.

LeQueen · 05/04/2011 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:49

Yes, BOF. You are right. I am worried about LargeLatte too. I am certainly no expert but her son's behaviour is not what I would call normal.

Original poster
LargeLatte · 05/04/2011 21:49

I've lost track of who asked about ASD / worrying traits - think it was Celia and Helium?

He is literally like Jekyl and Hyde. About 90%+ of the time he is a kind, loving, considerate child. He adores his brother, would do anything to please us etc etc. So many people comment on his behaviour in a positive way. Then something, however small it may be, will trigger this behaviour and will last at least an hour, then when he has burnt himself out he will be fine again.

At school he has won awards for being a good role model etc etc. They have commented that he has very low confidence and is very fearful of making mistakes.

His verbal communication I would judge as poor. It is much easier to have a conversation with his 4yo brother as ds1 struggles to express himself and understand instrutions, make choices or understand abstract concepts - like things that will happen in the future.

When he was almost four he was assessed for ASD as he was very rigid in his routines and had a number of obsessions - the dr he saw said he was fine. My HV told me his behaviour was because I obviously favoured his younger brother as I was not physically affectionate with ds1 in her presence - the reality was that the first time ds1 spontaneoulsy hugged me was on his 4th birthday -he hated any sort of physical contact.

My friend has a boy with Aspergers and she has known ds1 for years and always said he was on the spectrum. She took him to meet a fellow Aspie mum who said the same. But I don't understand why it would trigger these phases where he can go for months and months being totally 'normal', then snap and have a few weeks at a time where he will get these rages.

OP posts:
millie30 · 05/04/2011 21:49

LeQueen I feel exactly the same about my child who is also beautifully behaved. Except that I haven't had to hit him to make him that way.

CinnabarRed · 05/04/2011 21:50

I would never smack, but I'm taken aback that the OP's DS doesn't seem to have suffered any consequences for his dreadful behaviour.

LeninGrad · 05/04/2011 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 21:51

Why would you ask if im a teacher? And what the hell difference does that make to matters anyway? My parenting methods wouldnt come into my professional life...
I work for social services, childrens services actually....and shockingly enough my DD has never been part of a child protection plan as I am NOT a child abuser Grin

Giddyup · 05/04/2011 21:52

I have smacked my son about 3 times in his life. Each time it wasn't about discipline it was about a complete loss of control on my part. I regret it.

However, I can remember as a child feeling more hurt and humiliated by time out type punishments than a smackette on the bottom. Ignoring is a horrible way to treat a child, it is mentally hurtful.

That is not to say that I think it is permanantly damaging, no more than smacking is and DS has whiled away a fair few hours in his room when I tot up the amount of times he has been sent there.

The OP can feel happy that she parents the way she chooses and is happy with that and others can be happy that their children would never in a million years dream of behaving like that.

GrownUpNow · 05/04/2011 21:52

I was smacked and was an out of control teen, I don't think you can say that not smacking is ineffective, thus smacking is effective. You cannot say that in all cases a smack would work for behaviour like this, I do respect the choice to use it as a form of discipline, but if someone says that it doesn't work for them or they are not able to do it, there must be other options.

I know for sure with one of my children there is absolutely no point smacking, because I have and it just makes her behave worse and worse, there is no fear of the smacking there, it just makes her defiant. Far worse a punishment is to put her in her room and shut the door.

There is also the fact that I cannot effectively parent if I allow myself to get to the point where I shout and smack. I have to remain calm, and that means disengaging when it gets past a certain point, not escalating, and coming down on them hard when I can be most effective after the event when things have wound down and I can use reason and punishment to really hit home that his behaviour was unacceptable.

Whatever17 · 05/04/2011 21:54

LeninGrad - I fucking hated being smacked. And my parents weren't abusive, only "of their time" - I'm 42. Got smacked at school too.

It made me quiet, "good", and introspective. I still battle against being "passive" and "placid" and would rather have kids who say "don't hit me, I'll tell".

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 21:55

Urgh, different parenting skills will happen as long as they are affective. Mine will not be the same as others. But the Mum who originally posted needs to be more strict before hers becomes a brat.

Mine is not, well adjusted sociable only child. My discipline works for me.

LeQueen · 05/04/2011 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zonkin · 05/04/2011 21:58

Totally agree with all that MmeLindt has said.

Gemsy, I am appalled by your attitude.