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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NOT have smacked DS1 when he bit and kicked me

196 replies

LargeLatte · 05/04/2011 20:10

Long - sorry.

DS1 (5yr 10mo) has had an hour long melt down. We were leaving my Grandad's, I gave him fair warning first, then when I went to put his shoes on he kicked me.

I told him not to kick me, I kept my cool, put him in the car while he bit down on my arm, then as I leant across he bit into my back.

As I reversed the car he undid his seat belt, so I got out and went to strap him back in, and he sprinted past me and down the drive.

My Grandad's pearl of wisdom - 'you can't let him do that to you'- I think the implication being that I should've hit him back.

I caught him, put him back in the car and said (again still amazingly calmly) 'If you hurt me again or undo your seat belt we won't watch your cartoon before bed'. Result - still swearing and angry but otherwise a safe drive home.

I opened the car door and off he ran down the road, really fast - have got him home safe and sound after a few minutes.

I'm not a smacker. I'm not a shouter. I do natural / logical consequences, but I can't help but think that if I had lost it with him when he first kicked me (like many other parents I have seen) he would've just bl00dy behaved himself!

OP posts:
Whatever17 · 05/04/2011 21:30

Ginger - when a child has "lost the plot" (as they do) you should not "reason" with them if they are in bananacrazy temper mode. Just contain them and them express supreme disappointment in their behaviour (not in them) when they are calm.

Also remove favourite cartoons, sweets, pleasurable pursuits.

And, I hate this, Mum's approval.

Giddyup · 05/04/2011 21:31

Does your son behave like this at school?

DuplicitousBitch · 05/04/2011 21:31

i think the ops ds was beside himself for what ever reason, tiredness, rage, hunger. i don't think it is so unusual at 6. i also think she handled it well.

largelatte, i think you should be proud you don't hit him

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:31

Ginger
i am not talking about the first reaction. Of course, I would haul my child into the house, while shouting at them for running off. But I would not smack, and I would have a chat later, when everyone is calmer about what could have happened. And why that behaviour is not acceptable.

LargeLatte
I agree with BOF, if he is so literal in his understanding then I would be slightly worried. I can say to my 6yo, "Behave" and he knows what he can and cannot do. I would not have to list the things that were not allowed.

Have the school said anything to you about his behaviour in class?

clayre · 05/04/2011 21:31

He behaved like that because he knew he could get away with it that needs to be addressed!

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 21:31

Ahh bollocks, a few well intentioned smacks do not hurt..I am not condoning the beating of kids but a short sharp shock works when they need it..Goodness knows she has lashed out at me enough!

LeQueen · 05/04/2011 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:33

The OP did later post that it was not just a cartoon - it was snuggle time with Mummy and very important to her DS.

So she was removing a special time that he had mummy to himself, which would have probably hurt more than a smack.

Giddyup · 05/04/2011 21:34

I totally agree LeQueen. I am seriously unhappy with my 8 year olds behaviour at times recently, but this thread puts it into perspective!

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/04/2011 21:34

Hi Largelatte, Do you think he may have learnt this behaviour from school, does he play video games. If you talk to his teacher about it they would work with you in ending this behaviour if its worrying you.

JojoLapin · 05/04/2011 21:34

Asinine... Your deadly whisper sounds scary. Bet it works a treat. Would work on me anyway!

HerHissyness · 05/04/2011 21:34

No 5yo of mine would swear at me.

Kicking and biting too? Unacceptable.

Consequences: Refusing to allow his cartoons? Hmm

FGS.

What do you think it'll be like in 10 years time or even less if you can't insist on a 5yo respecting his own mother.

Fine you don't hit, but whatever you are doing OP, it's clearly not working. He's contemptuous of you. He has literally zero respect for you or for anyone.

I find telling my 5yo up front, we are going to x's house, I'll come and get you, tell you it's time to leave, if you kick off, I won't want to take you back there again, and they won't want to have you there.

Behave: we get invited back, kick off and treat me like that? you'll not be going anywhere for a long time Mister.

millie30 · 05/04/2011 21:34

Ginger if she lashes out at you then smacking isn't really working is it.

LeQueen · 05/04/2011 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 21:34

Le Queen Grin

"You see I do natural/logical consequences, too. But, the difference here is that it would be natural for me to detonate like a small nuclear bomb, if either of our DDs ever hit me, or swore at me or bit me."

Totally agree.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 21:35

I disagree strongly that this is normal behaviour for a nearly six year old.

HerHissyness · 05/04/2011 21:36

Mine kicked off last night incidentally, over nothing. He got sent to bed with no tea. refused to put his pyjamas on, fine. I put him in his bed with the pyjamas, and his milk and said that was it from me that night.

Eventually he came down apologised profusely.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:36

Ginger
How old is your DD?

My DD will be 9yo this month and she has never lashed out at me. Never.

She is rarely even impolite as she knows the reaction that she will get.

Now tell me I am an ineffective, wishy washy parent.

catchmeifyoucan · 05/04/2011 21:37

All you wishy washy freelove liberals parents who ARE busy spoiling your kids please take note - a whack on the backside in response to incredibly bad behaviour such as that of the OP's ds or delivered in response to behaviour dangerous to the child or someone else will not turn them into Mike Tyson in later life. It just won't. Grow some balls and bring your bloody kids up properly - with boundaries for a start so that they have some idea of what's ok and what isn't by the time they hit school.

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 21:37

Agree again Le queen with you next post. As I say I tell my DS he has consequences because I love him. He may hate me for now it but one day he'll thank me. Wink

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 21:37

I had to smack dd earlier today, won't go into details, but she knew she was in the wrong, after she had calmed down from her tantrum, she apologised to me for her naughty behaviour and we told each other 'love you'

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:38

Gemsy
No one is saying that it is normal behaviour. In fact several posters have asked about his behaviour in school, and how he is in other areas.

I am not saying that his behaviour is in any way acceptable.

HerHissyness · 05/04/2011 21:39

I agree LeQueen, DS once said to me, 'You are not being my friend, don't you want to be my friend?' when I didn't let him do/have something.

I told him there and then that I am not his friend I am his Mummy and I love him with all my heart, but sometimes I have to say No, for many reasons. sometimes it's to show him that he needs to wait, or see that he can't have it all. It's not good to have everything you want immediately, all the time.

LeQueen · 05/04/2011 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeninGrad · 05/04/2011 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.