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Original poster

to NOT have smacked DS1 when he bit and kicked me

196 replies

LargeLatte · 05/04/2011 20:10

Long - sorry.

DS1 (5yr 10mo) has had an hour long melt down. We were leaving my Grandad's, I gave him fair warning first, then when I went to put his shoes on he kicked me.

I told him not to kick me, I kept my cool, put him in the car while he bit down on my arm, then as I leant across he bit into my back.

As I reversed the car he undid his seat belt, so I got out and went to strap him back in, and he sprinted past me and down the drive.

My Grandad's pearl of wisdom - 'you can't let him do that to you'- I think the implication being that I should've hit him back.

I caught him, put him back in the car and said (again still amazingly calmly) 'If you hurt me again or undo your seat belt we won't watch your cartoon before bed'. Result - still swearing and angry but otherwise a safe drive home.

I opened the car door and off he ran down the road, really fast - have got him home safe and sound after a few minutes.

I'm not a smacker. I'm not a shouter. I do natural / logical consequences, but I can't help but think that if I had lost it with him when he first kicked me (like many other parents I have seen) he would've just bl00dy behaved himself!

OP posts:
maddy68 · 05/04/2011 21:58

I would have smacked him

clayre · 05/04/2011 21:59

It's not good for your ds or anyone if he is having an hour long meltdown, you need to watch for the trigger and nip it in the bud, my ds is very ticklish and I know when to start tickling him so his anger/rage turns to giggling which turns his mood around, you talk about your ds behavior as if it was something normal.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 22:00

Zonkin-I couldnt give two hoots. Im appalled by the behaviour of the OP's child and her lack of discipline.

LeninGrad · 05/04/2011 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 22:00

Gemsy83 Tue 05-Apr-11 21:44:18
I teaches- I am the parent, you are the child.

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 22:02

largelatte Its great your being honest here. I would go back to your GP and demand to see a community peadiatrician. Its sometimes very hard for children who have mild ASD to be diagnosed at 4yo - its normally as they hit yr 2/ early juniors and their peers 'mature' the differences become more obvious. It is entirly possible for these meltdows to only happen once every few weeks - if its only once every few weeks something triggers them. It could simply be you phrased the instruction/ countdown to leaving grandads differently to normal. The literal, hating physical contact/ emotionally aloft, not grasping the future, obsessions, needing routine all all markers for ASD. BoF suggested asd too and I think she has more personal knowledge than me? Hopefully she'll reply to your last post too.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 22:03

Why do you think a teacher who happened to be a parent would bring their views on discipline into their professional life? Do you think i'd smack your little munchkin with the board rubber ffs?

LeninGrad · 05/04/2011 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Asinine · 05/04/2011 22:04

I think people can be afraid their child will not love them as much if they are strict with behaviour, or that being strict means that your child will think you love them less. In fact from the child's point of view it shows you care a lot about them. It would actually be more scary for a child if the adult said "fine, do what you want, when you want, it makes no difference to me" than to be told firmly that their behaviour is completely out of order in your family.

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 22:04

Please can we go back to helping the OP who has genuine problem instead of debating smacking. We laready know its one of the things people will never agree on.

Please read the OP's last post.

CinnabarRed · 05/04/2011 22:04

YY Mme Lindt - I'd be pushing for another referral too. OP, best wishes to you.

BitOfFun · 05/04/2011 22:06

You're pissing in the wind, Helium- I have tried Grin

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 22:06

LeQ I told mine that she was going home if she didn't stop crying cause some other kid beat her to the swings (the world isn't fair and she has to share) She went off on one (and it's very rare for her) I gave her the count of 3 to calm down, she kicked me at 2...she got a smack (open handed on her clothed bum) and was dragged home..

zonkin · 05/04/2011 22:06

Gemsy, there clearly are issues with the OP's child and her discipline. That doesn't make smacking him Ok.

I don't smack and think it should be illegal. My 3 kids aren't in a child protection plan even tho I don't smack.

I do give two hoots that you think smacking is just fine if you work in children's services. Violence against children is abuse of children.

Original poster
LargeLatte · 05/04/2011 22:06

From what I've read on the SN board getting him reassessed will be a massive load of stress that when he is dx's results in little-no extra help.

I feel really detatched from the situation because when I see this raging monster it just doesn't seem like my son. It kicked off because we needed to leave so I removed him and took him home. When he bit me I just carried on strapping him in, even though it bl00dy hurt because I know he was biting me to get me to stop which would make the battle continue. He wants a fight, and I am not going to give it to him. The running away was new and scary so now I will have to make him hold my hand everywhere.

Maybe I'll speak to the SENCO tomorrow. I was really hoping to wait it out until the school were interested in persuing a diagnosis as from my previous experience it seems that if the mother raises the concerns everyone else fights very hard to prove her wrong.

OP posts:
LittleMissFluffBrain · 05/04/2011 22:08

So let me get this straight. Your 5 year old kicked you, bit you, SWORE repeatedly at you, ran away not once but twice, and all you did was take his cartoon away for one single night. Good grief.
Then say you take toys away when he misbehaves but he actually decides which toy he wants you to take away from him so how the bloody hell is that a punishment? He's laughing at you!
Not saying you personally, but it makes you start to understand why there's so many little feral brats out there nowadays as they get away with whatever they like as there are no consequences!

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 22:08

Zonkin stop talking shit- if thats the case why has the proposal to make smacking illegal been turned down so many times? Idiot.

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 22:10

If you go through GP to comm pead they will ask the school specific questions - not just ask for a general character assasination iyswim. Remember school is very routine so they will see different behaviours there.

LeninGrad · 05/04/2011 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 22:11

LargeLatte
It may not help much in practical matters, but it might help you to understand and find coping mechanisms - for you and for him.

And if you know that he is on the spectrum, you will be sure that your reaction was correct, and that the way you are bringing him up is good, if you see what I mean.

If he is on the spectrum then you know that discipline is not the issue.

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/04/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 22:12

Ginger
How old is your DD?

zonkin · 05/04/2011 22:13

Its illegal in most of europe. It ought to be here and it will be sooner or later.

There is no justification for hitting a child. How is violence against a child by an adult okay in any circumstances? It is a no brainer.

However, as others have pointed out this smacking debate isn't helping the OP so I'll shut up now.

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 22:13

Littlemiss The op said when she takes a toy as a consequence her DS then repeats the behaviour and gives her a toy. It has arisen now that there may be some asd (previous history of concerns) - it is probably that he has learnt behaviour=consequence. He may not understand why though.

No its not ok for a nearly 6yo to behave this way - but not everything is black and white. Sad

CinnabarRed · 05/04/2011 22:13

OP, if your son does have ASD then it may well be the case that you will need to modify your parenting techniques. You will also get help to recognise triggers for meltdowns. Finally, by reading more on the subject you will gain a better understanding of your boy. All good reasons to push for another diagnosis, no?

FWIW, I'm not sure that detatched is a healthy way to feel about the situation.