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Original poster

to NOT have smacked DS1 when he bit and kicked me

196 replies

LargeLatte · 05/04/2011 20:10

Long - sorry.

DS1 (5yr 10mo) has had an hour long melt down. We were leaving my Grandad's, I gave him fair warning first, then when I went to put his shoes on he kicked me.

I told him not to kick me, I kept my cool, put him in the car while he bit down on my arm, then as I leant across he bit into my back.

As I reversed the car he undid his seat belt, so I got out and went to strap him back in, and he sprinted past me and down the drive.

My Grandad's pearl of wisdom - 'you can't let him do that to you'- I think the implication being that I should've hit him back.

I caught him, put him back in the car and said (again still amazingly calmly) 'If you hurt me again or undo your seat belt we won't watch your cartoon before bed'. Result - still swearing and angry but otherwise a safe drive home.

I opened the car door and off he ran down the road, really fast - have got him home safe and sound after a few minutes.

I'm not a smacker. I'm not a shouter. I do natural / logical consequences, but I can't help but think that if I had lost it with him when he first kicked me (like many other parents I have seen) he would've just bl00dy behaved himself!

OP posts:
Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 21:20

I think many parents who DONT smack their child and let them indulge in behaviour like the OP's child are lazy useless parents personally. Each to their own of course.

LadyThompson · 05/04/2011 21:20

Violence begets violence. End of. If you don't hit (smack, tap, call it what you like) your kids, it doesn't mean automatically make you a soggy-as-shit liberal who can't control your kids.

Hatesponge · 05/04/2011 21:20

My DS used to have lots of tantrums probably up to 6 or so (he has started again recently at 12 but thats another thread!). Now I'm far from the best parent in the world, I did/do shout a lot and I have smacked when necessary. But neither of my children would ever have dared bite me, deliberately kick me (I know when they were tantrumming I did get caught with the occasional flailing arm/foot but it was never on purpose), or swear at me. Under no circumstances would I have tolerated that by just ignoring it, and I wouldn't have ignored the running off part either because of the obvious dangers.

I really think you do need to assert yourself with your DS, he needs to know you are the parent and he can't behave like this. And you need to do it quickly - because if he starts biting or kicking other kids, don't expect other parents to be happy about your reaction being to quietly tell him he won't watch a cartoon later.

DuplicitousBitch · 05/04/2011 21:20

do you strike your children in public?

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:21

Ginger
"I am a Mum that believes in discipline and respect, basic manners and respect for elders."

So am I. And my children are being brought up without smacking.

LargeLatte
What set off the tantrum today?

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 21:21

I use this with my DS (6yo) when I'm inflicting a boundary and threatening a consequence to him ' I love you and want to become to good/ nice person, you may not like the consequence but it is done out of love'. He of course pushes boundaries, stops over the consequence (even though warned) but mostly doesn't do it again as he knows it out of love.

I too have smacked (3 times). First time after a warning I'd do it - mums advice was to smack him - I hated it. The other 2 times I'd lost got cross - and I felt even worse those times. Sad.

I can now use the calm I'm disappointed in you behaving that way combined with the 'look'. DS cries because I've 'shouted'. I actually point out I've not shouted but I know he feels like that because what I've said has had an impact - therefore to me thats a sucess.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 21:22

If they need it (which is practically never as the threat of it was enough to make DD see the error of her ways when acting up!) then yes. And if some looney lefty came and told me off for it id probably tear THEM a new arsehole.

CeliaFate · 05/04/2011 21:23

OP I don't want to worry you or make a bigger thing of this, but from what you say of your son "he's very literal" etc. I think he may have a mild learning disorder eg. Asperger's. Does this sound like him?

DuplicitousBitch · 05/04/2011 21:23

i think you have anger isshoos gemsy, that sort of language is horrific

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:23

Gemsy
I think that parents who smack their children are lazy, useless parents.

Much easier to slap a child than to sit down and reason with them.

BitOfFun · 05/04/2011 21:24

Ah, I cross-posted with you, Largelatte. Can I ask are you worried about any other aspects of his behaviour? What do his teachers say? Your reference tobhis extreme literal-mindedness is tinkling little bells with me about ruling out issues such as ASD or similar. Which is not to say that he can't still benefit from slightly more robust discipline and boundaries- if anything that might help him if he does turn out to have some additional needs. Is it worth having a chat with the school?

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 21:25

Sweden yes..Britain NO...there is only so far you can reason with a small child and as long as it very rarely happens, actions speak louder than words.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 21:26

What makes you think parents havent tried to reason with their child first?
Because of course reasoning worked a treat for the OP.....

DB- no anger issues here. I'll not stick my beak into the wishy washy 'Tarquin lets have some time out...' approach of parenting so I wouldn't expect anyone else to intefere in my methods- ta!

Maelstrom · 05/04/2011 21:26

I remember stopping the car, and come down to DS like a pile of bricks, not shouting, not hitting but laying the rules. He was 3, not 5.

You are leaving it terribly late. The important thing about sorting such bad behaviour early on is that now you are still stronger than him (meaning you can put him in his room, back in the car seat, or send pick him up and take him to bed), in a few years time... you simply can't.

I saw once a woman being attacked in an airport by her 12 year old son. The poor thing was totally terrorised, tbh, there was nothing she could do by then, he was by then stronger than her. The child pushed her against the wall, and then hit her repeatedly with a trolley while swearing all the time. It was really intimidating.

JojoLapin · 05/04/2011 21:26

Biting, swearing (!), running down the road... I would have been so cross that the telling off alone might have just done it...

I do not subscribe to the "Ignore bad behaviour, praise the good one." Kids need clear boundaries, not guess work of what they can get away with.

Smacking is not nice though. I did it once to my DS (10 y/o) and felt so guilty for it.

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 21:26

WOW, sorry lots of x-posts. largelatte. Thankyou for answering my question. TBH it sounds quite worrying that he needs to be told don't kick, or bite and no swearing - he should by now understand how to 'be good'. It's great he stopped when faced with a consequence. Is this a one off behaviour or does this happen often?

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/04/2011 21:26

If I was in that situation and my dd was running down the road I would have to kick their but (Just kidding), what I normally do is I have a tone to my voice and I raise my voice but its a consistent tone of disaproval especially when I sense danger when my children are running down the road even if its a quiet road I'm still paranoid. If my children ever bit me, kicked or swore at me they go straight to bed because to me they would not have thought straight to be behaving in that manner.

I don't think smacking works, maybe you should try diverting his attention in future. For example, a commic book or a colouring book.

Good luck :)

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 21:27

Oh FGS..be honest, how many of you have successfully 'reasoned' with a 4 year old when they have done something potentially fatal when they don't understand 'Fatality' ?

LadyThompson · 05/04/2011 21:27

Yeah, Gemsy, lump them one.

Nice.

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 21:28

More x-posts but yes some sort of ASD did spring to my mind too.

everyspring · 05/04/2011 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zonkin · 05/04/2011 21:28

I cannot believe the number of people condoning smacking. It ought to be illegal. Violence is not ok.

DaffodilsAndScillas · 05/04/2011 21:29

Smacking entirely aside, I think your reaction to his behaviour sounds utterly inadequate. Where was the consequence for him having already kicked and bitten you?? There wasn't one, was there - just the threat of not watching a cartoon if he did it again? So the message you're giving him is that he can do that and get away scot free, including running away from you and endangering himself. I think that is utterly pathetic, tbh - he's almost six, not two years old! If you let him think that he can treat you like that without there being some extremely unpleasant consequences, then that is how he will learn to treat you and everyone else too - until someone bigger and stronger than him retaliates and teaches him a lesson.

Personally I would have slapped him on the leg he kicked me with, the moment he did it. But then I wouldn't put up with anyone physically attacking me. Hmm

Asinine · 05/04/2011 21:29

I never smack, it doesn't work, there is a fair chance that your kids will be bigger and stronger than you before they leave home. You need to get eye contact and adopt a serious disapproving tone, not shouting but more of a deadly whisper. Hitting or biting would be meet with total loss of all privileges, except the most basic needs until the behaviour improved. He needs to be told that people do not behave like animals in your family. If you follow through properly you will not have a problem as he grows older and bigger.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 21:29

Nice? What like implying a parent who uses 'reasonable chastisement' as defined by law is some kind of child abuser?

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