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Original poster

to NOT have smacked DS1 when he bit and kicked me

196 replies

LargeLatte · 05/04/2011 20:10

Long - sorry.

DS1 (5yr 10mo) has had an hour long melt down. We were leaving my Grandad's, I gave him fair warning first, then when I went to put his shoes on he kicked me.

I told him not to kick me, I kept my cool, put him in the car while he bit down on my arm, then as I leant across he bit into my back.

As I reversed the car he undid his seat belt, so I got out and went to strap him back in, and he sprinted past me and down the drive.

My Grandad's pearl of wisdom - 'you can't let him do that to you'- I think the implication being that I should've hit him back.

I caught him, put him back in the car and said (again still amazingly calmly) 'If you hurt me again or undo your seat belt we won't watch your cartoon before bed'. Result - still swearing and angry but otherwise a safe drive home.

I opened the car door and off he ran down the road, really fast - have got him home safe and sound after a few minutes.

I'm not a smacker. I'm not a shouter. I do natural / logical consequences, but I can't help but think that if I had lost it with him when he first kicked me (like many other parents I have seen) he would've just bl00dy behaved himself!

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 05/04/2011 20:43

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Whatever17 · 05/04/2011 20:44

I find, with DS2, I could wait until the problem cleared (maybe a day or two) and then say "I was really unhappy with how you behaved, it made me feel angry and sad, I don't like it, don't do it again". Firmly. Also, try to get an apology and say "that's fine, thank you, let's do better next time". But not too huggy/kissy, bit cross.

With DS1 nothing worked, but again, I think it is because I wasn't "in charge/dominant" enough. I think little kids are possibly a bit like dogs and you have to be the Master. Which is hard when you are "all-loving Mummy". It's about having the confidence to be unpopular.

If I could raise DS1 again I would be very firm, tell him off and remind him again when we were all calm (maybe a couple of days later) that I didn't like it and didn't want that behaviour again. I wouldn't hit him.

I remember falling down a few stairs and crying when I was about 5 and my Mum coming out of the kitchen where she was busy and smacking me and saying "that's something to cry for".

I don't think the old ways are the best, they were un-thinking.

BitOfFun · 05/04/2011 20:45

Are you normally such a weed, Largelatte? Grin

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 20:45

I shout very seldom, and smack even less often, so when shouty Mummy comes out, or smacks are around dd pays attention. It's only when she is putting herself or others in danger..they need definite boundaries and being flowery lovely Mum all the time doesn't work.

My dd (41/2) doesn't KNOW any swear words, let alone would use them, and she hasn't bitten me since she was tiny (controversial, she bit me once as a toddler, I bit her back..she hasn't done it again!)

GrownUpNow · 05/04/2011 20:46

I always feel very confused about what to do for the best OP, I just know when I see my mum dealing with my children it makes me feel sick to watch, and that it doesn't feel right. By not shouting, I don't mean never raising my voice, I mean not using raising my voice to intimidate them, so I would always shout for them to stop if they ran away.

I'm not a fan of ignoring and praise either. Doesn't set firm enough boundaries sometimes. Though a degree of it does work, there are times they are simply looking for attention, whether good or bad attention, so time out away from them does work, but not in every circumstance.

In this circumstance, I really don't know. I think it was right to not lose it, because he obviously had. I'm guessing you weren't expecting the running away bit at all, that would have been a bit scary. But as to the best deterrent to modify his behaviour, I don't know. I'd come down pretty heavy on him, but not take the Penguin.

Whatever17 · 05/04/2011 20:48

My kids know swear words - don't feel bad about that.

I know swear words but I know when not to use them. And so do they.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 20:49

Wow, I dont think you can say not smacking works for you OP or maybe he wouldnt be so bratty! He obviously has no respect for you whatsoever and knows he can get away with such awful behaviour!

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 20:50

I remember falling down a few stairs and crying when I was about 5 and my Mum coming out of the kitchen where she was busy and smacking me and saying "that's something to cry for".

I don't think the old ways are the best, they were un-thinking.

That IS unfair and cruel, but as a child I was only ever smacked for very naughty behaviour. I certainly wouldnt have been smacked for that sort of thing, and I would have been warned beforehand, to stop or I would be smacked. I was the disobedient child who risked the smack sometimes. I only ever got smacked a handful of times, but I always knew I was being fairly punished.

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 20:50

Whatever, I can swear like a truckdriver...I just haven't done it in front of dd..neither has her dad who is in a very sweary environment..kids don't need to know swear words.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 20:52

Am quite surprised how many are saying that they would smack their children. I have on occasion done so, when I have lost my temper, but it always makes me sad and ashamed.

LargeLatte
If it helps, DS is getting better and learning how to control his temper. He never hit or bit me but he would throw things.

Just the other day he threw the iPad on the couch, which meant that he lost iPad privileges for a day.

What does your DS really really love? What would really hurt him if you took away? Not comforter toy, but something else. Or an activity?

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 20:53

Thats one thing I never ever heard, was my parents swear. THey would say "bloody" and that was it.

The first time I heard my mum say "shit" was when I was in my 30's and I was shocked! :)

I was speaking to an ex recently who knew my dad, and he said my dad swore like a trooper when no women or children were around. I never once in my life heard him swear though.

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 20:54

I have NEVER smacked my child in a lost temper, it has always been after giving her the count of three to make the correct/safe choice and happens very rarely.

RumourOfAHurricane · 05/04/2011 20:54

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MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 20:55

Ginger
That is even worse, imo.

catchmeifyoucan · 05/04/2011 20:55

We know the OP doesn't want to smack - kind of an absurd point to make really as who does want to smack their kids? Nobody normal for sure. However - sometimes, occasionally - you know? Not always - a smack is the only possible reaction to a display of dangerous or downright purposeful disrespect.

No bloody wonder the schools are full of kids who don't even know that it's NOT ok to tell the teacher to fuck off if they've been brought up telling their own parents just that.

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 20:56

Squeaky, I was the same, remember my Dad telling someone off for swearing round Mum and us kids but after he died I found out he was an absolute potty mouth!

BrigitBigKnickers · 05/04/2011 20:57

Well said Shiney

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 20:57

MmeLindt- would you say the OP NOT smacking is making her child a respectful child? because he sounds like a horror to me im afraid!

GingerWrath · 05/04/2011 21:00

Mme Why? My smacking is not temper lead so I am not going to go too far. If she is out of order and goes beyond 'the thinking chair' and is a danger to herself or someone else, I see nothing wrong with it...it's called DISCIPLINE and far too many children lack it these days.

winnybella · 05/04/2011 21:01

What shiney says.

I'm Shock at almost 6yo behaving like that. I don't recall DS ever doing that-swearing and biting a parent?

Perhaps more understandable at 2 yo (well, not the swearing bit Grin), but at 6?

It would be a smack and priviledges taken away for a couple of days, at least.

DuplicitousBitch · 05/04/2011 21:03

largelattee - i think you handled it the best way.

my dd was a bit like this. she grew out of it. hitting her has never been an option

heliumballoons · 05/04/2011 21:03

OP - can I ask? How and when did he snap out of the tantrum - what did you say/do? Was he crying real tears or just angry? Did you distract him out of it or did he just go until he decided to stop?

Whatever17 · 05/04/2011 21:04

I think "smacking" (hitting) is illegal now isn't it? I've done it and I just think it is appalling, it shows me that I am a shit parent who can't control my temper.

rosie1979 · 05/04/2011 21:04

I think you were right not to smack him, but I would not have let him watch cartoons and I would have shouted for sure!

Ignoring the bad, praising the good is not ignoring bad, dangerous behaviour btw. It means dont sweat the small stuff, pick your battles.
So when you do really tell a child off - for dangerous behaviour ect it has some effect because you're not shouting/telling off all the time. Thats how I see it anyway. :)

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 21:04

Gemsy
I am not saying that the behaviour of the OP's son is acceptable. Of course it is not. I just think that helping him to control his temper is the key.

Ginger
Because smacking a child in anger is a loss of control, but what you are doing is premeditated and is imo worse. What does that teach your child? That when you are at the end of your tether, it is acceptable to use violence.

So you punish violence by being violent. Great lesson.

Ginger. To be really honest with you, your post brought tears to my eyes.

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