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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my sister in law might be a little bit enthusiastic

237 replies

CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:10

It's our 10th wedding anniversary at the end of this year. Instead of a party, we thought it would be nice to hire an old vicarage for 14 friends and family. I phoned my SIL to run the idea by her, all excited as this place has lettle beds up in the eaves and is a childrens haven. She has always been very dour, sour and unforthcoming. She is always in a bad temper and snapping at the children. My MIL does everyting she can to make things nice, she bought a pony for SIL daughter, but all SIL does is whinge and moan about "That fucking pony" and is sour face about having to take her daughter riding. I don't think mIL needs this shit, as my FIL has motor neurone and is deteriorating.
I just thought it would be nice for us all to get together for a weekend in november. When i excitedly told my SIL about it, and how we have 10 other friends coming to stay too and what a fun night we would have on the saturday - all she could say was "Well, my kids won't go to sleep at 7.30pm." (our DD goes to sleep then - shes almost two)
Her children are 7 and 10. they run around until1 am.
AIBU it think that she might have shared my enthusiasm? That she might have silently thought - how nice to be invited, i'll make sure the girls stay upstairs because the staurdau night is their anniversary and no one wants kids running round when grown ups are having a bit of a drink/party. My DH was furious with me for inviting her. I just thought it would be a nice family thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:11

please don't flame me, i have been ill for two weeks, and i am pretty depressed at the moment.

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 05/04/2011 17:13

She sounds horrid and you sound really nice (and thoughtful). Can you uninvite her?

K999 · 05/04/2011 17:14

It is a nice thing to do. If she wants to be a sour puss, let her! You go and have a fab time without her!! Smile

Ragwort · 05/04/2011 17:15

Difficult, some people love that sort of thing - some don't (like me Grin); my DH was desperate to arrange something like that for a 'special' Wink birthday but I persuaded him otherwise. Its very awkward if you are invited to something like that and you really, really don't like the idea of it ........ sorry, I'm probably not helping much. (Hope you are feeling better Smile).

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 17:17

Perhaps she would like a child free weekend. It sounds like she is a bit fed up to me. Perhaps the pony was bought against her judgement and she is the one who ends up doing all the hard work..

She is right, her kids wont go to sleep at 7.30, so probably not much of a rest for her either.

Not flaming you, as it sounds a lovely idea and she ought to have sounded a bit more appreciative, but there could be a reason why she is so grumpy. She could even be very worried about her dad too.

JaxTellersOldLady · 05/04/2011 17:18

well... while I wouldnt let my children stay up until 1am (they are 11 & nearly 8) I wouldnt expect them to be in bed for 7.30pm either.

Maybe you should just celebrate with your friends who will put their DC to bed at 7.30 so the adults can party/drink all night. Hmm

And your DH doesnt want her there... I am guessing this person doesnt feel particularly 'wanted' in her family.

not flaming, just saying.

EldritchCleavage · 05/04/2011 17:18

Sorry to hear you are feeling depressed, OP.

Time to stop trying with SIL maybe? You're not getting much change out of her, are you? You've given a really nice invitation, she's rather thrown it back at you. Presumably if they do come she'll do that all weekend.

If she always does this then why not stop giving her the opportunity to rain on your parade. It is DH's family so he can make the effort or not as he wishes and you can restrict making an effort to when you want the cousins to see each other. I don't mean cutting her off or anything dramatic, just scaling down effort and expectations.

It is very hard and demoralising but some people are just like this. Nothing you do will change them and you can't make them have fun (or BE fun) just by effort of will.

Littlefish · 05/04/2011 17:19

A few questions:

  1. Did your SIL know that MIL was going to buy a pony for SIL's daughter?
  2. Have you ever been away with SIL before?
  3. Did you discuss the possible guest list with DH before inviting people?

Actually, I think you are being a leeeeeetle bit unreasonable. If you invite family and friends to join you for a weekend away, you really can't dictate what time their children go to bed, especially when they are 7 and 10. I think you might need to re-think the Saturday night to include the older children. I think you are going to put people's backs up by inviting them and then saying "but your children aren't invited to join us on the Saturday night".

worraliberty · 05/04/2011 17:20

I must admit 7 and 10yr olds are highly unlikely to go to sleep at 7.30pm and even less likely in a strange place.

If you don't want children 'running around' should you invite them at all?

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:20

i did think of that i'm ashamed to say. :-( she's very territorial. my DH is a farmer and she made a life in london, but she resents the nice things we have in life. I know we're really lucky and blessed but she has a way of making me feel like a guest in my own home (we know live in my in laws old farm house) she sort of comandeers everyhting. I had thought that to have this break and include her in the planning would be a nice sisterly thing to do, but no. Its like shes challenging me about her childrens late bedtime. I couldnt bear it if she was this moody on our special weekend , especially in front of our friends. A few sundays ago, she marched into our sunday lunch with a face like thunder (which she said she wasn't coming to), squeezed on the end of the table, oicked at some food, and asked my Best Friend how she and her new baby was. She lloked miserable as buggery throughout the meal, and then litered in the doorway for a good 5 minutes saying"Right i have to go now"as though she wanted someone to stop her. We kept saying, bye then, safe journey, and she finally went and slammed the door, It was utterly bizarre and totally unacceptable. She is 40 years old.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 17:20

Perhaps she can get a babysitter?

Perhaps you can uninvite her and have a better time without her!

plupedantic · 05/04/2011 17:21

Perhaps your SIL wants a bit less "family bonding" and "interference" (I'd be annoyed if my MIL bought DS a pony, too! It's an imposition.), so just be gentle about the arrangement: more "let me know by this date if you can make it" than "oh, we are all going to do this."

Perhaps she will be a bit sweeter-tempered if she doesn't feel that she is obliged to interact so much? Your Dh might be more right than you have realised.

I'm sorry for a bit of a negative response, but think it's worth thinking about it this way... and it's not exactly a flaming! Wink

Dozer · 05/04/2011 17:22

YABU, it's not everyone's cup of tea and with this kind of invitation, people feel obligated to come.

Dozer · 05/04/2011 17:22

Also think that wedding anniversaries are about the couple, not wider family.

millie30 · 05/04/2011 17:23

To be honest, I don't think I would be particularly excited about an invitation if it was expected that my DS is upstairs/out of the way so that the adults can have fun, I'd politely decline.

thisisyesterday · 05/04/2011 17:23

to be fair, i'd be pretty pissed off if anyone bought my kid ANY pet... let alone a pony!!! i can totally understand why that would have ticked her off!

as for the trip away... yes, she could have been nicer/more enthusiastic... but i do think it's unrealistic of you to imagine all the kids going nicely up to bed at 7.30 and staying there too!

so, you are and you aren't!

i think it sounds lovely, and if invited would come, but would be very aware that I would probably have lots of child-related stuff to do after bedtime iyswim?
i guess some people would find the situation really stressful too tho

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 17:23

Actually OP you now sound a little bit annoying country mummy lentil weavey lets have a party and make all our kids go to bed at the same time regardless of their ages la de daaaaaaaaaaa to me.

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 17:24

Maybe she just doesn't want to come

DurhamDurham · 05/04/2011 17:26

I think it sounds like a lovely weekend, however if your SIL is that sour and dour I'm surprised you invited her at all.

I do think she might have been a bit put out if you suggested her children stayed upstairs from 7.30 onwards. At 7 and 10 it wouldn't be much fun for them to be banished upstairs where they would have to be quiet so as not to disturb the toddlers who were sleeping.

I have to say I would be gutted if my MIL bought either of my girls a pony because of the money and time it takes in upkeep. If she's not a fan of them herself she will just see it as a huge bind. I know I would.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:26

it wasn't that i don't want my nieces running round. i love them to bits. its just the first thing she said and the way she said it!! Yes, she did know about the pony. we have had a massive row before when she was sneering over MIL sunday lunch "My plates full of fucking fat". I got up, left the table and walked home. SHe drove after me and we had a hell of a row. I said she shouldnt be so ungrateful - she has a loving husband, doting parents and 2 beautiful daughters and a home in the country when she feels like it. I have bitten my lip again and again since then and its putting a strain on me and DH relationship. He can see it but he is not confrontational. And yes, i am impulsive and you are right, i should have asked Dh before inviting her but i wanted it to be a family thing as i know how much MIL loves to have us all together.

OP posts:
Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:27

and i didn't suggest her children went to bed. she just blurted out "They wont go to bed" :-(

OP posts:
brass · 05/04/2011 17:27

You sound like you don't like her at all so why are you wanting her (and her kids) to jump through hoops for your event?

Do you think you care more about FIL's health than his own daughter does?

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 17:28

She does sound a pain but you sound right up MILs arse so that might be getting on her nerves a bit. As if you's plan YOUR anniversary around PIL! You sound very worthy Hmm

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:28

she does want to come USUALSUSPECT because she has since been discussing dates. SHe hates to miss out, and she loves making her miserable presence felt.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 05/04/2011 17:29

What I can't for the life of me understand is this....

You describe her as the miserable bitch from hell, so why on earth do you think she'd suddenly have some sort of personality transplant just because it's your Anniversary? Confused

And I'm sorry but I think even the nicest of people would be put out to have their kids invited, but at the same time basically told to bugger off out of sight at 7.30pm.

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