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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my sister in law might be a little bit enthusiastic

237 replies

CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:10

It's our 10th wedding anniversary at the end of this year. Instead of a party, we thought it would be nice to hire an old vicarage for 14 friends and family. I phoned my SIL to run the idea by her, all excited as this place has lettle beds up in the eaves and is a childrens haven. She has always been very dour, sour and unforthcoming. She is always in a bad temper and snapping at the children. My MIL does everyting she can to make things nice, she bought a pony for SIL daughter, but all SIL does is whinge and moan about "That fucking pony" and is sour face about having to take her daughter riding. I don't think mIL needs this shit, as my FIL has motor neurone and is deteriorating.
I just thought it would be nice for us all to get together for a weekend in november. When i excitedly told my SIL about it, and how we have 10 other friends coming to stay too and what a fun night we would have on the saturday - all she could say was "Well, my kids won't go to sleep at 7.30pm." (our DD goes to sleep then - shes almost two)
Her children are 7 and 10. they run around until1 am.
AIBU it think that she might have shared my enthusiasm? That she might have silently thought - how nice to be invited, i'll make sure the girls stay upstairs because the staurdau night is their anniversary and no one wants kids running round when grown ups are having a bit of a drink/party. My DH was furious with me for inviting her. I just thought it would be a nice family thing to do.

OP posts:
LemmysMissus · 05/04/2011 17:29

She has always been very dour, sour and unforthcoming.

Well she is just behaving typically for her OP. Perhaps she is depressed?

Also, a party for your wedding anniversary, she may well consider this a bit precious and twee. No offence OP. I'm just speculating. Some people can't be doing with these types of 'The Wonder of Me'' parties. Wedding anniversaries really mean nothing to anyone other than the couple so she probably views it as just another boring duty/obligation if she is that sour.

Regarding her behaviour in the house, was that her childhood home? If so it may be difficult for her to see another woman running it....? Just a thought.

compo · 05/04/2011 17:29

Yabu

she's family

you can't force a friendship with her

just go with your friends

compo · 05/04/2011 17:31

You've made a massive mistake inviting her
and now that she's saud yes you'll have to put up with her or cancel the whole thing

I just celebrate my wedding anniversary with my dh

I wouldn't fork out for anyone else's

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:33

CHANGING2011 someone has to be "Up MILs arse " as you put it, because my SIL certainly isnt. DH mentioned to her the other day that MIL was so exhausted looking after FIL that she fell asleep during a friends lunch, at the table. Instead of being sympathetic , she laughed. ANd she takes the piss out of MIL hair colour to her face, which hurts her badly, I am trying to do my best for everyone, but she is a real bitch, and if you were a fly on the wall, you would see it.
BRASS< i don't want anyone to "jump through hoops" what the hell are you on about? ANd since when did i suggest that i care more about FIL health than she does? If you cant contribute anyhting worthwhile, just sod off. I'm not in the mood for juvenile antagonism and i certainly dont bloody deserve it.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 05/04/2011 17:34

Step back. Let MIL or DH stick up for MIL. If neither of them wants to, so be it. All you need to do is tell her you don't want to participate in any MIL slag-offs.

Being a misery (if that is what she does) only works if you, her target, let it get under your skin.

MY sister has a dour SIL like this, and she's learned to shrug it off and have a good time regardless.

My SIL is viii-iiile, but I soon realised that beyond basic standing up for myself where necessary, it was best to let DH's original family unit deal (or not) with their own crap. He prefers it that way too.

grovel · 05/04/2011 17:34

Make sure you give her the worst bedroom. You can then get at least get some satisfaction from her sourness.

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 17:34

Maybe she just doesn't like you very much

spongefingerssavedmylife · 05/04/2011 17:35

Doesn't sound like my idea of a fun weekend. PILs had (pre grandchildren) an aniversary party like this and it was all a bit strained. A big effort for everyone to get to and only really an important day for them.
She does sound like a grumpy old bag though, I can imagine seeing you in her childhood home might sting a bit though.

worraliberty · 05/04/2011 17:35

OP were you born and raised in the countryside?

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:38

for the last time I NEVER TOLD HER HER CHILDRENHAD TO GO TO BED AT 7.30pm

My FIL is slowly dying - he might not be here this time next year, which is why i am trying to organise family time. my MIL is really touched and excited at the idea. She realises the significance of it.

As for "TWEE" erm, i don't think so, family and friends meeting up at a lovely old house for fun, drinking, walks in the hills, games.

She must be twee herself in that case because she spent £6OOO hiring a stately home in Somerset for the weekend. It sleeps 100 people.
Maybe my place does seem a bit "TWEE" considering it only sleeps 14.

OP posts:
Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:39

yes i was born and raised in the country

OP posts:
blondebutonlyfaking · 05/04/2011 17:39

Sorry but it's YOUR wedding anniversary - not hers.

And it's your 10th not your 50th why the need to have a big hoo-hah?

Her kids won't go to bed, she's right and why should she be forced to keep them upstairs out of the way.

She's not your cup of tea, quite probably you're not hers and it probably sounds like hell on wheels to her - I know if my SIL invited me to something like that with all her friends and family and insisted I bring kids and keep them out of the way - dear lord but I would be looking for an excused to get out of it.

You ran the idea past her, she's not keen and doesn't like it - end of.

Get over yourself. The world does not revolve around you.

ssd · 05/04/2011 17:40

op, you do sound really nice, I'd love to come to your party!

TBH your SIL sounds a bit nasty, but there does sound like there are issues there, she sounds very resentful. And maybe some of it is justified? I'd hate for someone to buy my kid a pony, I see that as totally out of order, its not like she can just give it back!!

Also SIL might be done in, you have one dd who is 2?? trust me a 7 and 11 yr old are harder work, your dd will go to bed , hers might be up till all hours, the ages of hers are a bit harder than just 1 at 2. maybe she's bogged down with her kids.

Also does your MIL live near to you and give you help? If she lives in London she's probably paying hand over fist for help and resenting you getting it free (and getting the house and farm, or am I wrong)

actually I think she's got a lot to be miserable about now

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 17:42

Do you not think that you may be taking over just a wee bit. Perhaps she feels you are trying to take her place as the daughter of the family.

You sound quite jealous of her too, to be honest.

CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

blondebutonlyfaking · 05/04/2011 17:42

OP - you didn't say her kids had to go to bed, but you did say that you would want her to say "how nice to be invited i'll make sure the girls stay upstairs because the staurdau night is their anniversary and no one wants kids running round when grown ups are having a bit of a drink/party. "

FFS get over yourself.

That just sounds so horrible - yes you can come for the weekend but for one of the nights keep your kids upstairs and quiet because it's the great anointed ones anniversary and we don't want them running around spoiling the grown-ups party.

I would have told you to fuck off, frankly.

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 17:43

you seem very sure she is jealous of you and your lifestyle - I bet she isnt.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:43

sorry people, but fed up wit Usual suspects boring, inane, crappy, remarks. Its been done to death with me on other threads and have had enough.

OP posts:
plupedantic · 05/04/2011 17:43

You shouldn't have been discussing dates with her, then. Please, just stop trying with her; it sounds as though the relationshio needs a lot more space.

If she turns up for Sunday lunches she's not been invited to, you can tell her off for language ("fucking fat", etc.): gently, at first, so she knows the rules have changed and she has a chance to adjust without losing too much face. If she keeps on, you can respond more sternly (treat her like a teenager), and she still has the choice about whether to lose face. It is best to be discriminating about what you have a go about, though; don't tell her off for "being miserable" - that's annoying and a bit prissy, and counter-productive.

What does her OH say/do when she does this?

LemmysMissus · 05/04/2011 17:44

Whoah! I wasn't talking about twee in terms of money! Twee as in having a big hooley for your own wedding anniversary.

But I have since read more of the thread and see that you are doing it for the PIL, which is kind.

Was wondering if the house you live in was her childhood home?

blondebutonlyfaking · 05/04/2011 17:44

And as far as the pony is concerned, if my MIL and FIL bought my children a pony, that I wasn't keen on, yes I'd call it a fucking pony.

She's got stuck with taking kids riding when it probably isn't her idea of fun.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:45

Um, how am i "Very sure she is jealous" can you give me an example of anything i ahve said to suggest that? You know, its funny, because my friends see her behaviour and they always say she is jealous, and i always defend her and say, no shes not, she has a nice place in London. And now you have said it too, and you're a total stranger. Hmmm, maybe she IS jealous...

OP posts:
wannaBe · 05/04/2011 17:45

tbh, I think the big family occasions need to be agreed between the family rather than someone inviting everyone on a wim because that's what they think the family would want iyswim. Even more so if the invitees are inviting a load of friends as well. so for E.g. if my sil was having a weekend away for her anniversary (am just using my sil as an example because this is your sil) and rang to invite us away for a weekend to stay in an old house I might think that was great, if she then added in that she was inviting a load of her friends I would probably be less enthused because I don't know them and would have no inclination to want to go and stay with them all in a big house...

oranges · 05/04/2011 17:46

I'm the grumpy SIL! I get utterly fed up with dh's family organising gatherings for every sodding adult birthday, anniversary, random celebration, and i do think its a bit precious to be summoned to watch someone turn 34 or be married for two years or whatever. and i always feel i'm being criiticised if my kids are sleepy, or feeling like they want to play quietly instead of running around with their cousin. I would react just like she did I think to the idea of a house party for a wedding anniversary. I know my SILs think I'm a bitch but I just can;t cope with that level of interaction with people whose company I find okay, but not thrilling.

blondebutonlyfaking · 05/04/2011 17:46

If she lives in London, where is the pony?

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