Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my sister in law might be a little bit enthusiastic

237 replies

CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:10

It's our 10th wedding anniversary at the end of this year. Instead of a party, we thought it would be nice to hire an old vicarage for 14 friends and family. I phoned my SIL to run the idea by her, all excited as this place has lettle beds up in the eaves and is a childrens haven. She has always been very dour, sour and unforthcoming. She is always in a bad temper and snapping at the children. My MIL does everyting she can to make things nice, she bought a pony for SIL daughter, but all SIL does is whinge and moan about "That fucking pony" and is sour face about having to take her daughter riding. I don't think mIL needs this shit, as my FIL has motor neurone and is deteriorating.
I just thought it would be nice for us all to get together for a weekend in november. When i excitedly told my SIL about it, and how we have 10 other friends coming to stay too and what a fun night we would have on the saturday - all she could say was "Well, my kids won't go to sleep at 7.30pm." (our DD goes to sleep then - shes almost two)
Her children are 7 and 10. they run around until1 am.
AIBU it think that she might have shared my enthusiasm? That she might have silently thought - how nice to be invited, i'll make sure the girls stay upstairs because the staurdau night is their anniversary and no one wants kids running round when grown ups are having a bit of a drink/party. My DH was furious with me for inviting her. I just thought it would be a nice family thing to do.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 05/04/2011 17:46

I must admit you do sound a bit like you're trying to 'muscle' in on what are afterall her parents. It must be quite strange to see you living in their house too.

It's nice to get on with your PILs but she will always be their daughter...no matter how much you dislike her.

I still have no idea why you'd invite someone you clearly can't stand??

wordfactory · 05/04/2011 17:48

Oh dear.
I'm afriad my extended family do this sort of thing all the time and it's not always the joy they think it is.

  1. We ahve very little free time so comandeering a weekend from us ism't always appreciated.
  1. Although we'd like to see everyone and celebrate we don't want to do it for 48 hours.
  1. I also think it's a bit of a cheek if someone wants to celebrate and I'm roped in to make things/travel long distances/spend lots of money. Why? It's not my party.
Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:48

tried asking her not to swear at MIL/take the piss. she just scowls. You are right. I should judt give it up and stop including her in things. Its just that my MIL is incredibly sensitive and loves the family to all get on. So, if we are having a dinner party on a sat night, we invite SIL, becaue if we don't she sits in the in laws house being pissed off all night. It might seem cut and dried to you, but it's not easy.

OP posts:
ssd · 05/04/2011 17:48

op, don't let Usualsuspect annoy you

also, with you having a two yr old, it probably is hard to imagine having older kids and so you quite rightly have tailored your party to suit you, but in all honesty a party like that with older kids is a nightmare, if they only have each other to play with , all cousins too young to bother with, the older ones will fight and hang about mum, driving her mad (well mine wouldGrin)

maybe thats why she feels exasperated, she feels you don't understand her position?

FabbyChic · 05/04/2011 17:49

IM amazed you invited her if she loves making her miserable presence felt why would you impose someone like that on your other guests is beyond me.

Whether you felt it was the right thing to do or not she is going to take over the weekend and ruin it I betchya. And you cannot expect her children to stay out of the way either it is their weekend too.

SpringHeeledJack · 05/04/2011 17:49

I think people are being quite snidey on here, when it looks to me as though you're just trying to be nice and accommodate everybody

I don't quite understand how throwing a party, with all the expense and organisation that involves, is somehow showing off- "the wonder of me", wasn't it?

fuckinell. You keep on keeping on with it, love. Just bite your lip with SIL, and try and have a good time.

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 17:50

tried asking her not to swear at MIL/take the piss. she just scowls

I wouldnt take kindly to someone telling ME how to speak to my own mother either actually. It is upto her mother to say something to her, not you. You are treading on toes here I think, and maybe need to back off a bit.

wordfactory · 05/04/2011 17:50

Also, DC of your SIL's age will not be in bed by seven and out of everyone's hair. If that's what you want why on earth don't you just go out for a civilised adult meal?

[been there and worn this particular tee shirt with childless friends emoticon]

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:51

i didn't rope her in. I said i had seen 2 places, one more suited to children, so if she would LIKE to come, that is the one i would book. The ball was in her court. There was no pressure on my part. i was just excited at the thiught of all being together as a family. i said i would understand if she couldn't come because of other commitments. One of her specialites is coming somewhere and acting as if she is doing you a favour - like turning up to sunday lunch when she had said she wasn't coming.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 05/04/2011 17:52

I agree with squeaky you can't expect to tell a grown woman how she should/shouldn't speak to her own Mother and not expect to put her nose out of joint.

I'm not saying it's right she speaks to her like that but it might be time for you to butt out of their relationship.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 05/04/2011 17:52

OP - my SIL is grumpy and I'm certain she thinks I'm a suck up. This is largely because she is too lazy and selfish to do anything herself, just looks pissed off when I do. EG PILs hire cottage so we can all meet midway for MILs 70th. DH and I cook supper, SIL doesn't even lift a finger.

What I am saying is that there may be reasons why she's jealous. You running the childhood home being a massive one. I'd hate that.

If you want to do a family event for your PILs why not do something not for your anniversary and not with friends and discuss with her what to do.
Eg 'shall we do soemthing for PILs, any ideas?' or better still get your DH to discuss it with her.

blondebutonlyfaking · 05/04/2011 17:53

Can you please tell me if she lives in London where the pony is?

Also, she's not your cup of tea, it's your anniversary - get over yourself, forget it, do something for FIL some other time that is about FIL AND MIL not your anniversary.

She's losing her dad, you've muscled in on her family home and are trying to take over her family - can't you see how it seems from her POV?

AND you want her to go play happy clappy mateys with some randomers she's never had any time for/much to do with - trail from London to god knows what forsaken hole in the arse end of nowhere, oh and her kids have to be kept out of the way for half the time coz the adults need to get bladdered.

Grow the fuck up.

YABU BTW

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 17:53

why would you want her to be jealous? says more about you tbh.

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 17:54

CotswoldCountryMummy

...if i had a sil like you I would run for the hills ..and its fucking moron to you ,ok

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:55

Squeaky toy - you have no right to say that i shouldn't stick up for my mother in law. I love my MIL and i HATE to see my SIL reduce her to tears. MIL has high blood pressure, is extremely emotjonal and cries at the drop of a hat. No one else will stick up for her, although her ftaher did order her to go back to london one weekend. lets get one thing straight - she is FOUL to her mother sometimes, her language, her attitude is disgusting. She swears and screams at her children. Walkinginot the house when she is there is like walking into a pressure cooker, so dont you bloody DARE tell me that i am "Treading on her toes" . You don't know the half of it.If it was your MIL you'd be the same, if you had a caring bone in your body.

OP posts:
blondebutonlyfaking · 05/04/2011 17:57

CCM - a piece of advice.

SIL relationship with her mother is none of your business. The best thing you can do it butt out.

And where is the damned pony if SIL lives in London?

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 17:57

I have every right to say whatever I wish based on what you have posted.

And get off your high horse love, I am beginning to see exactly why you get right on your SIL's nerves...

CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

worraliberty · 05/04/2011 17:58

You are treading on her toes because you don't seem to know where to get off butting in on other people's family relationships.

It's hardly her fault that her brother has chosen to marry Julie bloody Andrews it it? Hmm

Infact the more you post, the more sorry you're making me feel for this woman.

Even your nickname makes me want to sick up a bit.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:59

thanks for all the helpful comments on here, a lot to take on board. maybe i should just stop trying to please everyone. Night night. :-)

OP posts:
millie30 · 05/04/2011 17:59

You say your SIL "reduces her to tears" but also that your MIL "cries at the drop of a hat". I really think that the dynamics of their relationship, as mother and daughter, are none of your business.

Vallhala · 05/04/2011 17:59

Was there any more to say after Jax's post at 18.01?

spongefingerssavedmylife · 05/04/2011 18:00

CCM - calm down! You came on AIBU and asked if people thought your sister should be more enthusiastic. Some people have said they can understand why she wouldn't be enthusiastic. Don't get angry with them too!

worraliberty · 05/04/2011 18:00

Oh and if you've been 'bought up' (whatever the hell that means) instead of dragged up...you're not exactly showing it now.

millie30 · 05/04/2011 18:01

"Maybe I should stop trying to please everyone."

Maybe you should stop trying to be a martyr.