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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my sister in law might be a little bit enthusiastic

237 replies

CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:10

It's our 10th wedding anniversary at the end of this year. Instead of a party, we thought it would be nice to hire an old vicarage for 14 friends and family. I phoned my SIL to run the idea by her, all excited as this place has lettle beds up in the eaves and is a childrens haven. She has always been very dour, sour and unforthcoming. She is always in a bad temper and snapping at the children. My MIL does everyting she can to make things nice, she bought a pony for SIL daughter, but all SIL does is whinge and moan about "That fucking pony" and is sour face about having to take her daughter riding. I don't think mIL needs this shit, as my FIL has motor neurone and is deteriorating.
I just thought it would be nice for us all to get together for a weekend in november. When i excitedly told my SIL about it, and how we have 10 other friends coming to stay too and what a fun night we would have on the saturday - all she could say was "Well, my kids won't go to sleep at 7.30pm." (our DD goes to sleep then - shes almost two)
Her children are 7 and 10. they run around until1 am.
AIBU it think that she might have shared my enthusiasm? That she might have silently thought - how nice to be invited, i'll make sure the girls stay upstairs because the staurdau night is their anniversary and no one wants kids running round when grown ups are having a bit of a drink/party. My DH was furious with me for inviting her. I just thought it would be a nice family thing to do.

OP posts:
SpringHeeledJack · 05/04/2011 18:02

hey, people, there are ponies in London, you know Hmm

OP- hide the thread. This is one of those fox hunty AIBUs. You're trying to please too many people, and you maybe need to take a step back and do stuff for you. Giving your SIL the choice of where you hold your party is too much, I reckon

...also think a lot of folk on here are taking their cue from other posts, and not reading yours!

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 18:03

CotswoldCountryMummy you are bloody hilarious Grin

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 18:04

hahaha you are the moron love with your rental vicarage and M&S dine in for twenty seven quid mindset.

blondebutonlyfaking · 05/04/2011 18:04

I just got the feeling SpringHeeledJack that the pony was bought by IL who lived on a farm and was kept at the farm?

But the OP won't answer that one.

I still think I would've not been at all keen to go to a forced happy clappy family do like this - it would be my idea of hell.

The SIL is already labelled grumpy, her kids have to be kept out of the way, she's not really welcome in her family home, the SIL is muscling in on her relationship with her parents.

She's not keen, she doesn't want to go and she's getting railroaded with "games and walks and oh such japes"

Hmm
JoBettany · 05/04/2011 18:04

God this is nasty. Bloody disgusting behaviour from some people on this thread.

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 18:04

its probably a my little pony Hmm

wannaBe · 05/04/2011 18:04

look, namecalling and swearing aside Hmm

ultimately it's your party. You are entitled to invite who you want, but just because people are invited doesn't mean that they have to be excited about it.

Even if your SIL is a nasty piece of work, think about it from her POV - you're living in her childhood home, you're telling her how to treat her own mother, and now you're expecting her to come away on a family (and friends? whose friends - yours?) weekend that is all about you.

You need to take a step back from this - and sorry but inviting people without speaking to dh about it first is a bit out of order in itself.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 18:06

and thanks SPRINGHEELED JACK, nice to read a nice comment amongst all the transparently, snide bitchiness.... :-) Bye bye ...

OP posts:
blondebutonlyfaking · 05/04/2011 18:06

OP It's not YOUR party BTW it's a party for you and DH anniversary, you should've talked to him.

And that last post should've read "her SIL is muscling in"

EldritchCleavage · 05/04/2011 18:07

Seriously, CCM, you can't control your SIL and you can't fix things, much as you might like to. If it's that bad your DH should say something. Why doesn't he?

The only thing that will work is a bit more space between you and her, and between her and her parents. My evil SIL had terrible terrible rows with MIL and FIL, but you know, on some level they let her, and nothing I could have done would change that essential fact.

Your MIL may hope that a nice family gathering will bring everyone together, and good on you for trying to make that happen, but if the underlying relationship with SIL is poor then disappointment and probably conflict are inevitable. In the end, this stuff just sets MIL up to be let down. Not worth it.

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 18:07

I now picture you as Caroline Quentin serving up marzipan shaped voodoo dolls of your SIL to your PIL with a shit eating grin on your face. Bye :)

pommedeterre · 05/04/2011 18:07

I wouldn't want kids who don't go to bed until 1 at a party...
I do kinda feel for her if MIL bought her daughter a pony without consulting her though. Both DM and MIL would get short shrift if an effing pony turned up as a 'present' without any prior consultation.

MrsWitcher · 05/04/2011 18:07

Maybe she feels like you've taken over the role of daughter and that upsets/annoys her. Or maybe she's depressed or maybe she's just miserable.

I know you've said you don't expect her girls to go to bed at 7.30 but you have said you want the evening to be an adults only thing. So how will that work. If they're upstairs is it ok for them to be running around playing games at 8pm or do they risk waking your DD? What were you hoping the girls would do?

Tbh, I think you seem to have muddled what should really be two separate get togethers. You have PIL and SIL plus some adult friends. I think you should have either planned an adult weekend where you still put your DD to bed at 7.30 or planned a big family thing where everyone just gets together but does what they want and all the grandchildren get to feel totally included.

ssd · 05/04/2011 18:07

op, you've got to stop trying to do the right thing all the time

your SIL sounds bloody awful, she doesn't like you and you don't like her, stop trying to play at happy families, real life isn't like that

you should enjoy your party with your own friends and try to do something with PIL's separately

your MIL might like a family get together, but she's not facing the true situation either, let SIL sulk away but for god's sake, do your own thing and leave her alone

MorticiaAddams · 05/04/2011 18:08

SIL sounds a bundle of fun but if you are inviting PIL then you couldn't not really invite her could you? Could you phone her sympathetically and say that you completely understand if it's not her thing and she doesn't want to come.

Why did she think you would expect her children to go to bed at 7.30pm? Had you mentioned the adult time before that? At that age I wouldn't expect them to go to bed before about 11pm whilst away. Are there going to be any other children apart from them and your 2 year old? If not and there's nobody else to play with then they are probably going to want to hang around with the adults in the evening and I think that's only fair.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 18:09

Before i go, and i can't see why this is such a point of interest, the pony lives here, on the farm, in the country.
As for M&S ready meals - i cook everything myself actually, on the AGA gasp
Now, i really have to go....

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 18:10

ha! you are too much of a cliche. Run along and polish your Le Crueset dear.

SpringHeeledJack · 05/04/2011 18:11

blondebutonlyfaking Tue 05-Apr-11 18:04:41
I just got the feeling SpringHeeledJack that the pony was bought by IL who lived on a farm and was kept at the farm?

how fab for SIL, then. She 'gets' the pony and doesn't have to look after it most of the time

I'd like one to get me of them ponies Grin

CotswaldCuntyMummy · 05/04/2011 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

ssd · 05/04/2011 18:11

Hmm, I've been nice and so have plenty of other posters on this thread

some people haven't been nice, but you sound like you're beginning to sulk if everyone doesn't agree with you all the time

and will you answer those of us who have asked you reasonable questions/ (not least the pony one)

ssd · 05/04/2011 18:12

CotswaldCuntyMummy

jesus, you need to get a life

blondebutonlyfaking · 05/04/2011 18:12

CCM - so the IL bought a pony for a child who lives in London. Which is forcing your SIL to trail around half the countryside to get to the pony, and then to trail around even more taking the kids and pony to events.

That would seriously piss me off - my Mum and Dad doing something like that - emotional blackmail from the kids, her backed into a corner - yes it would be a fucking pony to me in those circumstances. Can you see where she's coming from? It's putting an expectation on her which she didn't ask for.

As is you expecting her to go to a party with you and your friends. And maybe you aren't her cup of tea, and maybe she doesn't like your friends, and maybe a couple of hours of a Sunday afternoon is the most she can manage because she hates to see you in her family home.

She's not buying into the idea freely - let it go. And you really should have talked to your DH coz he's half of the anniversary too.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 18:13

JoBettany - i know - aren't some of them just total delights. Unpleasant individuals - I am surprised they don't choke on their own poison....
this time, i really am going....

OP posts:
wordfactory · 05/04/2011 18:13

CCM - you say your SIL is grumpy but frankly you've been pretty rude yourself.

You asked if it was unreasonable to expect SIL to be pleased to be invited and I and many other explained why we might not be...

wannaBe · 05/04/2011 18:14

how on earth does it happen that supposedly grown women behave like teenagers with their namecalling and bitchyness on these threads? Seriously - if you really don't like someone then why bother to read their threads just to bitch on them?

Disagreement on a point is of course perfectly valid, but namecalling purely because of who the op is says more about you than it does about the op.