Leaving my wife and new born baby at home to go to a wedding

[tryingtobeagooddadandhusband]

Am I being unreasonable to leave my wife and baby at home to go to my brother's wedding 7 weeks after my wife has given birth? I would have to leave very early in the morning and be back at about 9pm.

I am thinking that this is a huge event for my brother and would be sad for him if I could not make the wedding. On the other hand, my wife is very panicked about the thought of me being away for the day and the damage it would do to the baby for me to be away that long.

Please help! I hate the arguments it causes with my wife and she feels betrayed by the split loyalty feelings I have.

I think you should also persuade your wife to go. If she can face giving birth, she can face going to a family wedding. It will be an ideal opportunity for all the family to see the baby, and it will probably do her a lot of good for her confidence too. You will enjoy the wedding more because she is there with you, and she wont be sat at home panicking because she is on her own.

DH and I went to a friends wedding when DD was 3 weeks old.

I have anxiety issues.

Was OK, wedding good but had to drive home a bunch of drunken sods as was designated driver as was b/f.

Is the health issue that prevents her from attending your brother's wedding the same as the anxiety issue? Because if she's worried about being able to physically care for a baby all day on her own then it's kind of a different issue. Is she having any treatment for her anxieties? Because if they are affecting your lives to this extent (and making you feel like the bad guy) then I think I'd be concerned that you were in fact enabling her rather than helping her to overcome the problem.

Trying, I haven't read all of this, but I have to say you sound like a very sweet person. I would not miss an immediate family wedding. It's only for one day and if s friend goes to help your wife I don't think that's shirking your responsibilities.

I can see why she's a bit apprehensive, but at 7 weeks I'm sure she'll be coping better than she thinks she will.

I would go - your wife has been invited, if she wants to go she can, if she doesnt I would go without her. It's your brother FFS.

enjoy, go, its your brother, wife has to cope on her own ( you haven't forgotten to tell us you had triplets or anything have you?)

I would go in your circumstances. YANBU

My DH went to a wedding 9 fucking days after I had a crash c-section. I asked him not to go and for various reasons he said he had to go. I was not invited. I stayed at home with our DS. We live in London with no family I could have asked to help me out. DH fucked off to the wedding in liverpool AND fucking stayed there over night. I AM STILL EXTREMELY FUCKING BITTER NEARLY 6 FUCKING MONTHS ON. It caused a huge rift in our relationship. .

And breathe.

Sorry for the rant everyone but needed to get that one off my chest.

I have a friend with what sounds like very similar problems her husband was a stay at home dad the whole first year and then the child started nursery. FOr major events she pretty much stays in bed 3 days b4 and after and takes anti anxeity tablets for said event day. (Obviously if you wife has heart set on breastfeeding this may be an issue)

So i would say make the time before and after wedding as easy as possible and have someone on call for day if she needs them. Yes you are going to be a dad and have responsibilites but if you both have chosen to have a child despite the fact she is so unwell she is going to have to accept that sometimes you will need outside help.

poor you that sounds tough

you SHOULD put your brother's wedding over her anxieties by the way. Hers are just that - anxieties. They are fears about things which have not happened. His is his biggest life celebration and you should be there.

If she can't stay alone, then she should organise a friend or relative to help her out. But suggesting you miss your brother's wedding is selfish and irrational of her.

You definitely should go to the wedding.

Anxiety or not, your wife has to learn to deal with the baby on her own. Agree with freshmint that if she really doesn't want to be on her own, she needs to arrange something with other people.

it wont damage your baby,but you and wife do need to establish what is reasonable.and not allow generalised anxiety/panic as reasons not to do anything.

i do understand anxiety and health impact upon choice and judgement.do encourage wife to see gp or hv if anxieties or health deteriorate

Blu you put it so well.

YANBU- u must go to your brother's wedding- it's unforgivable not to in my view due to her anxieties. It will probably also cause future family tensions from your family towards get if u don't go.

Anyway the baby will sleep most of the day at 7 weeks (it could well be 5 weeks if it's her first as she'll probably go over). I appreciate it's hard for her to envisage how it will be with a baby but life does have to go on. They are very easy as newborns. Aside from the lack of nighttime sleep (and excusing any colic issues) you'll be on level 1 of the baby raising computer game.

You need to go to the wedding.

Your wife needs help.

I have anxiety issues, I have got help and when able I have pushed myself to do things I was worried about. Feeling anxious all the time is soul destroying but you HAVE to go to your brothers wedding. End of. I think you need to tell her you are going with no further discussion but that you will do anything in your power for her to feel safe coming too or staying at home.

When your baby is born your wife will really need to sort out her anxiety-there is nothing, nothing, more heartbreaking than an anxious child.

Please go to the wedding. Please get your wife some help. Push and push until you get it. This way of living IS NOT ok. For anyone.

Ime someone with anxiety will put off changing anything 'safe' because it is SCARY, its hard for someone who has not suffered from constant anxiety to understand. Its jst like life is so hard anyways that you feel that anything will be the straw that broke the camels back and you're scared how bad your anxiety will spiral. Hoowever, again, ime, I was scared of the fear as much as of the actual thing(s) I was anxious about. It really does eat your whole life unless you take the bull by the horns and get help. Letting it go on and on is not the way to go though I know you feel you're being kind. Throwing her into the deep end isn't good hence my first point that you go but offer her other alternative ways to feel safe. Definitely definitely go.

Definately go to the wedding. I don't understand why you're wife isn't letting you. Tell her to arrange to be with a friend or relative that day so she won't be by herself all day with the baby. If I was your brother I would find it rather pathetic if you didn't go because you had a baby.

Trying - I feel what you are going through. My husband has OCD, although a very specific condition (and in my husbands case his particular type is quite unususal) it is an anxiety disorder and we had to live with it for many years pre diagnosis. I don't wish to alarm you but we found that my husbands OCD accelerated hugely after the birth of our first child, so you should be consious that this may happen with your wife.
Although I am more experienced with OCD my understanding is that the treatment is similiar to most anxiety disorders. The first thing to remember is that sufferers will do almost anything to relieve the pressure of the anxiety they are suffering. This includes manipulating the people around them to get them to act in a way that will help reduce their anxiety. This is what your wife is doing to you. Saying that you will damage the baby, that you are shirking your parental responsibilities, etc...its poppycock. She just wants you to stay as she feels incapable of staying alone. I understand that it is difficult to see someone you care about in distress. Especially when they make you feel that it is in your power to unburden them and by choosing not to you are being selfish and a bad partner.
The thing with these sort of conditions that left untreated and unchallanged, they will grow and the demands will become more extreme and unmanagable. You are already having to work one day a week for six months to help when the baby is born. You are making huge compromises and accommadations. While this is a lovely, caring thing to do, it is ultimatly destructive because it will only make her worse in the long run. It is futile because it will reinforce the belief she could not have coped on her own and make her more anxious.
Your wife needs treatment. This has to be tackled and if you really want to be a good husband then you must insist on it.
I have reservations about what you should do about the specific case of the wedding. Assuming it happens before any treatment has been successfully undertaken would it be risky to leave her and go? Only you know if your wife could be a danger to herself or the baby if left alone in a highly anxious state and you must consider this. Getting someone else to come and stay with her seems to be the best solution, because I do think you are right to say you shouldn't miss the wedding

She could be suffering postnatal depression and that mixed with anxiety does not sound like a good mix. Your wife is a first time mum so that in itself brings on all sorts of anxieties ask her parents to help her on the day of the wedding. He is your brother and you can't miss it.

honeybee - that is pretty bad of your DH - was it a friend or family wedding he went to? Still, 9d post crash CS isn't good either way! :(

Woah Honeybee you must have been hardly able to move!

OP What type of anxiety does your wife have? I assumed earlier that it was an agoraphobia type?

I have only scanned the thread so if anybody else has mentioned this then I apologise for repeating it.

You mentioned in your second post that your wife is anxious and exhausted and that you have been seeking a medical explanation.

There are lots of causes for anxiety and fatigue but one you might want to think about is an overactive thyroid. Hyperthyroidism has a range of symptoms including anxiety (including panic attacks, insomnia, palpitations, breathlessness etc.) Thyroid problems can came on at any time and for a range of reasons. It can come on in pregnancy or post-partum which is why it might be worth going to the GP and asking about it.

A simple blood test will rule it out. I am not saying that this is the problem but just flagging it up as an idea. I am not a medic but I am hyperthyroid - currently undergoing drug therapy for it and I suffered for a long time with anxiety. I was even put on a CBT programme which, having no impact on hormones, made no difference at all.

Your poor wife does sound as though the anxiety is preventing her from being rational. The baby won't be damaged by your absence and they both might benefit from going with you. Fresh air, distraction from anxious thoughts etc.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck with it.

YANBU, my partner went off shore to work for 3 weeks when my DD was four weeks. I was scared, hurt, angry, resentful etc and fairly horrid to him about it because I percieved that I wouldn't cope, that he didn't care, that DD would not get to know him... I was pretty hormonally fucked up when I was pregnant/had new baby.

However with the gift of hindsight, I can see that he went off shore because that is his job and he needed to earn the money for us. His relationship with DD did not suffer for it. I was fine and coped perfectly well. When very anxious and riddled with pregnancy hormones it is hard to envisage anything but an overwhelming sense of not being able to cope.

I can understand why your wife is talking as she is but she IBU due to her anxiety. I hope you are able to go to your brother's wedding and your wife is able to get some help to manage her anxiety.

Sounds as though your wife would benefit from cognitive behaviour therapy. She is obviously feeling very frightened about being left with the baby.
It would be better for her to attend the wedding with you than to be left with the baby.