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AIBU?

Leaving my wife and new born baby at home to go to a wedding

155 replies

tryingtobeagooddadandhusband · 05/04/2011 13:07

Am I being unreasonable to leave my wife and baby at home to go to my brother's wedding 7 weeks after my wife has given birth? I would have to leave very early in the morning and be back at about 9pm.

I am thinking that this is a huge event for my brother and would be sad for him if I could not make the wedding. On the other hand, my wife is very panicked about the thought of me being away for the day and the damage it would do to the baby for me to be away that long.

Please help! I hate the arguments it causes with my wife and she feels betrayed by the split loyalty feelings I have.

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Indith · 05/04/2011 13:14

Of course you should go, it is your brother's wedding!

Has the baby been born yet? Perhaps she is just completely and utterly petrified of being left by herself with the baby for so long. I can understand that if you are at work in the week then perhaps the thought of you being away for a day at the weekend might tip her over the edge if she is feeling very afraid and vunerable. She could of course go with you but again, if she is afraid and stressed she just might be seeing that as a whole load of hard work and very scary to not be at home, to be feeding out and about (either bf or logistics of warming bottles). Of course YANBU but you need a good chat to find out why she feels that way.

TandB · 05/04/2011 13:14

Has the baby even been born yet?

Unless there are really major problems that you haven't mentioned, of course you should go. It is not going to cause "damage" to a baby for its father to be away for a day. You can't have a situation where you can't ever be apart. It's not healthy or practical.

marmaladetwatkins · 05/04/2011 13:15

Do you not work then? If you do, how will baby cope without you whilst you are out working?

Baby will not care less. Don't let your wife manipulate you into not going. He won't be newborn by then either. He will be almost 2 months old.

Itsjustafleshwound · 05/04/2011 13:15

How far away is the wedding and how easy would it be for you to get back if you need to?

Is it at all possible to find a friend or relation to spend the day with her?

I really don't think a 7 week old baby (and that is even if the baby arrives on time!!) will notice if his/her dad is around or do any lasting damage..

It is odd that she expects you to miss the wedding ...

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 05/04/2011 13:15

Is it your wife telling you that being away will damage the baby or is that just how you are thinking OP?

pooka · 05/04/2011 13:15

Health problems? Are these problems that stop travel rather than hinder her ability to look after the baby on a day to day basis? If the latter, then I think you should arrange for someone else (friend/one of her relatives) to spend day with her, if you both think she'll need the help.

WhatsItAllAboutAlfie · 05/04/2011 13:15

YADNBU
I would say that your wife needs to get a grip! You should certainly not miss your brother's wedding, although I like others wonder why your wife and baby are not invited.
For what it's worth, my DH went to America for work when my DD was 10 days old and I had a 3 year old DS as well. He was gone for a week and although it was quite hard work, we managed, and this did not damage any of us!!

TabithaTwitchet · 05/04/2011 13:15

I don't think you are being unreasonable - but I also can't see why your wife and baby can't come along too?

I don't think you arriving home at 9pm would be damaging to a 7 week old baby, but the day would probably seem very long to your wife - my husband would get home at about that time one day a week when we had a baby that age and the evening always seemed interminable (the baby however, was unaffected and obviously had no idea her dad was not there) Maybe there is someone who could spend the day with your wife and the baby to help.

Or maybe you could leave the wedding a bit earlier - perhaps arriving home at 7.30 instead would be more acceptable. Then hopefully you would still get to share the main part of your brother's day.

JaneS · 05/04/2011 13:15

How far in the future is this wedding? I mean, is your wife pregnant, or has she had the baby, or what? If the latter, and she is finding it really hard going, it might there's a problem now that needs solving and you need to leave thinking about the wedding for now. You can surely tell your brother you'll do your utmost to be there barring emergencies.

If your wife is pregnant and this is a while away, I think it's be fair to say if she's really struggling and doesn't want to come to the wedding, sorry, but you want to go. It is your brother after all!

DitheringDoofus · 05/04/2011 13:16

Would her health problems make it difficult for her to cope alone for a day? If so then you should arrange for somebody to spend some of the day with her. It isn't going to damage the baby though.

RevoltingPeasant · 05/04/2011 13:17

trying, sounds like your DW is more panicked about how she will cope than about how the baby will be affected, but maybe can't articulate this. It is hard for a mum to say she is not sure she can manage on her own, I think.

So maybe do what other PPs have suggested, and tactfully arrange for her mum or similar to be around all day with her to help her. Then go and enjoy your brother's wedding :)

Can you be more specific about her health problems? Is she having issues/ pain caused by the birth? Is she worried about getting ill whilst you are away maybe?

BluddyMoFo · 05/04/2011 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

basana · 05/04/2011 13:19

My husband went on a week-long trip with his mates when my firstborn was 6 weeks old. I wasn't over the moon, but he works hard and loves that trip, and others helped out.
You sound like a nice bloke trying to cope in difficult circumstances. As women are so often told on here, don't be a doormat.
If she has health problems find someone to spend the day with her, or even hire a nanny for the day. It would have to be a very acute health problem indeed to warrant you missing the wedding.

Bratfink · 05/04/2011 13:19

7 weeks? of course you should go. 7 hours perhaps not, but 7 weeks is, well, 7 whole weeks

pommedeterre · 05/04/2011 13:19

Came here to type what BluddyMoFo did but as she has beaten me to it I'll be on my way.

Precious much?!

Crawling · 05/04/2011 13:20

My DP went to his brothers wedding when DC2 was 2 weeks old and that was a overnight stay, we were fine in fact I enjoyed it being just me and DC, I was worried before but it was fine.

stripeytiger · 05/04/2011 13:20

Could your wife and baby not go with you? I don't mean to be hard, but I think your wife is putting you in a difficult position. Of course there would be no damage to the baby with you away for that long.....what about dad's that work away, in the forces etc. That said, she is a very new mum and maybe she is feeling a bit vulnerable and emotional. At seven weeks the baby would probably sleep through most of the day anyway. How is she coping generally with the baby, perhaps this is a cry for help and the prospect of you being away all day at the wedding is the final straw.
Hope you work things out. Would be a shame to miss your brother's wedding.

jzhmum · 05/04/2011 13:21

Can you take the baby with you and she can have a day to herself...she'll need the sleep and rest with a new born. I am sure your family at the wedding will help you out in looking after! maybe she can express if not bottle feeding. My dh used to take the baby out for the day once a month to give me a rest....
But I am sure that at 7 weeks baby would know no different if you're not there...can she get a friend or family to spend time with her incase she gets lonely??

mammamia25 · 05/04/2011 13:21

my dp left me and 4-week-old dd at home for 2 days to go to his nephews christening. I just couldnt face the journey with a 4wk old, as his family live about 3 hrs away. It was hard as dd had bad reflux and didnt sleep, and i'd had a C-section, but we survived! Personally I think going on your own's better than having a small baby there to worry about.

Rosa · 05/04/2011 13:23

Go - she can cope , you can cope , the baby will be fine.

pooka · 05/04/2011 13:24

Have just remembered that DH went to a childfree wedding when ds1 (second dc) was 4 weeks old. I had dd (2 years) as well at home.

Wasn't the best laugh (partly because I was seriously annoyed that couldn't go myself, ds1 breastfeeding babe-in-arms, would have got babysitter for dd, cameup with loads of options including dh and I splitting attendance - all turned down by the bride and groom). But do-able.

tryingtobeagooddadandhusband · 05/04/2011 13:27

Woah! Lots of comments and advice, thank you so much everyone!

The plan for the first six months (after the baby is born) is that I will be at home and work one day a week.

My wife and baby are invited to the wedding, however, my wife does suffer from anxiety and it is going to be very tough at the start as her energy levels have been very poor (we have been trying to get medical help, with no answers as yet). Sleep is very hard for my wife which makes the concept of what life will look like in the beginning, very frightening. She is great at preparing, planning and thinking things through, but potential problems become big anxieties.

The major fight we had was that I felt that she did not value my brother's wedding over her anxieties. She was saying that I was going to be a parent and could not just shirk my responsibilities on to other people (ie a friend or family member to be with her for the day in my stead).

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FriskyMare · 05/04/2011 13:28

My dh was away for 3 days the day after my second child was born then three weeks later our first born was hospitalised for four weeks with leukaemia. We left him with grandparents whilst we concentrated on our DD and I can honestly say we could not be any closer as a family. At 7 weeks the baby should be in some sort of routine and you're not going to be away overnight so I can't understand why she is so anxious. Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself!!

HampstersDontSwim · 05/04/2011 13:30

Where has the op gone?

I really hope hes not showing this to his DW as proof that she should buck herideas up.
Sounds like she needs suport and is feeling worried about it.

Op if youre not just using MN as s stick to beat her with could you come back and tell us why your DW is bothered by this

FabbyChic · 05/04/2011 13:30

This is one day, and you are entitled to go to your brothers wedding, it is not your fault that she has anxiety issues, issues that she is forcing on you.

There is no harm to the baby if you are not there for a day, none at all.

She needs CBT you can pay for that if you can afford it.

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