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AIBU?

Leaving my wife and new born baby at home to go to a wedding

155 replies

tryingtobeagooddadandhusband · 05/04/2011 13:07

Am I being unreasonable to leave my wife and baby at home to go to my brother's wedding 7 weeks after my wife has given birth? I would have to leave very early in the morning and be back at about 9pm.

I am thinking that this is a huge event for my brother and would be sad for him if I could not make the wedding. On the other hand, my wife is very panicked about the thought of me being away for the day and the damage it would do to the baby for me to be away that long.

Please help! I hate the arguments it causes with my wife and she feels betrayed by the split loyalty feelings I have.

OP posts:
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Parmallama · 05/04/2011 14:20

okay...having now read all your comments OP (I know, slapped wrist) I still feel that you should be able to go to your brothers wedding.

The baby won't suffer...

The thing about anxiety is that if you don't try and overcome it, it invariably gets worse. I don't think it's fair on her to try and emotionally blackmail you (which is what it sounds like to me) into not going.

Either she goes....OR she makes some provision so that you can go and enjoy it. Does she have any family who could come and stay with her?

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tryingtobeagooddadandhusband · 05/04/2011 14:34

Thank you all, again.

I know it is actually impossible to give advice when you only hear one side of the story and many reply posts have questions as well.

I want to be incredibly sensitive to my wife's needs as she is a wonderful person whom I love and adore, but my brother is also very important to me. Life is so hard when you have to make choices between loved ones (and of course my wife and child come first).

I really wanted to see if there was a number of people out there that did not think I was being unreasonable. Not to see if contemplating going to my brother's wedding was the right thing necessarily, but if it was a reasonable thing to consider doing.

I especially appreciated the comments from those who have suffered from anxiety as it is unimaginably terrifying to go through (just as a close observer of someone who has to go through it).

Needless to say, I am an idiot (sometimes/all too frequent) and do not handle these conflicts well. It is so hard not to rush to a feeling of "you don't care enough to put aside your own problems for one day" (insert feeling of shame for husband being such a prick). When I talk about issues where I have a strong desire for an outcome in my favour, but feel that it will be a conflict, I tend to withdraw so that I do not react in a way that will inflame the situation. Then, at a point when I feel like I have heard enough and it sounds like my wife is just being unreasonable, I start to get angry.

Thank you again so much everyone,

Bad husband just tryingtobeagooddadandhusband

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Blondeshavemorefun · 05/04/2011 14:36

go to your brothers wedding

baby will be fine - def no damage :) tbh they wont care who is there as long as get fed/watered/changed/loved which i assume dw will do

maybe hire a temp nanny for the day (if she can cope with strangers in her home?)

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pommedeterre · 05/04/2011 15:40

You sound a great husband. Wanting one day is normal saintly even (I'd want 365 in your position). I don't know what is making YOU feel so bad but that needs addressing too.
It is not fair and right for her problems to extend to you feeling so bad.

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foreverondiet · 05/04/2011 15:44

Go to wedding and arrange for someone to spend the day with her and the baby. Stay until the end, your brother needs your support too.

You sounds like a very caring husband.

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Blu · 05/04/2011 15:52

It's really hard fo anyone to imagine how they will feel or plan beyond the birth of a baby. My guess is that by 7 weeks she may well have gained plenty of confidence and it willbe fine fo you to go. But she can't be eassured of that NOW and trying to reassure will just make her feel as if her needs are not taken into account.

But the truth is she doesn't know what he needs will BE 7 weeks after the birth.

Of course it is reasonable for you to badly want to attend the wedding. In most families it would also be reasonable to expect that she would be able to go with you. But now isn't the time to discuss it. 2 weeks, or even one week before is the time to decide. And of course, if she is suffering with PND or increased anxiety or serious physical after effects, then you will stay and be with her. But with luck all her anxiety about how she will feel will evaporate once she is in the swing. Also, given that birth can be within 2 weeks of due date either way, it could be 5 weeks or 9 weeks - a massive difference!

YANBU but don't try and prove the point right now.

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ledkr · 05/04/2011 16:07

um,i have an 8 week old and am on my own most fof the time as dh has to GO TO WORK.I was lucky he had 4 weeks off but a lot of women areon their own from day one.Personally id have been at the wedding having a great time,they do sleep in a pram you know.
Something odd about this.

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MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 16:12

Ledkr have to say your comments are v unhelpful and you've obviously missed the whole point of the thread Hmm

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ledkr · 05/04/2011 16:26

yes i aggree totally i didnt read the whole thread which i never normally do.Big apologies op and others who made helpfull comments,just to add that a lot of us on the Feb thread have suffered anxiet since the births but some are on beta blockers,,my baby has sn so ive been very "pushed" emotionally,so it may be wise to leave your options open.

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paddypoopants · 05/04/2011 16:30

I feel for both you and your wife and having suffered from anxiety in the past I know how difficult it is. However pandering to it is the worst possible thing you can do - sympathy yes but pandering no.

Having a baby helped me hugely - I had to do things that made me anxious or else my ds would suffer. I fear if you stay and home and help for the 6 months after the baby is born you will find your wife is no further forward in 6 months especially if she is fearful to go out. She needs to get help now so that you can all enjoy a normal family life. You need to go to your brother's wedding- she shouldn't be laying any sort of guilt trip on you.

My husband never let my anxiety impact on his life and it was the fact he didn't pander that made me do things I might not normally have done.

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PlopPlopPing · 05/04/2011 16:31

I haven't time to read all of this (sorry) but the thought that you can't be gone from early morning until 9pm is ridiculous. Some men (and women of course) are out of the house at work that long everyday! Their partners cope.

I understand she has anxiety (i'm recovering and it's awful) but if it is anxiety about going to the wedding then she should be fine at home with the baby on their own. Just because you are having a baby doesn't mean your life ends and you can never go anywhere again!

The baby will be 7 weeks by then and so not a new newborn. Of course the baby won't be damaged! It sounds like she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into not going out. Does she EVER let you go out?

If her anxiety stops her living her life then that is sad but it doesn't mean you have to stop you living yours as well. You also have to be careful that it doesn't make her worse. Someone I know (being vague deliberately) was very anxious and never wanted to go anywhere so her DH never went anywhere either, it sort of made the situation worse because it became normal to never go out which it isn't.

Wow I'm waffling!

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pingu2209 · 05/04/2011 16:36

From most new mums I speak to, it is the first 6 weeks that you can't tell up from down, after that it settles quickly. The first 3 months are unsettled, but the first 6 weeks are def the worse.

I can imagine the idea of going anywhere with a new born baby is too much for many many new mums. If your wife doesn't think she will cope, she shouldn't be made to feel in any way bad about that.

As your brother's wedding is 7 weeks after the baby is born I would say you should go.

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MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 16:40

Fair enough Ledkr Smile

And just wanted to add, OP, as others have said, your wife saying the baby will suffer is a very manipulative thing to say - but she's probably saying anything to stop you going, because she's so full of dread at the thought of you not being around for the day. But that's still no reason not to go - as others have said - pandering to her illness won't help her in the long run.

Make sure somebody else can be with her for the day and then go. And in the long term, do your best to encourage her to get professional help (if yr not already).

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ChristinedePizan · 05/04/2011 16:41

I don't know a lot about anxiety but I do know that if you allow her mental health to dictate what you do to this extent now you have/are about to have children, no good will come of it. Anxiety is one thing, emotional blackmail is another entirely.

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whoneedssleepanyway · 05/04/2011 16:42

I went to my brother's wedding when DD2 was 3 weeks old.

Beforehand I was very very nervous, I was even telling my mum and dad that the likelihood was I wouldn't be able to go.

I did go and I actually had a good time, I didn't stay late but DD2 was still at that sleep loads during the day stage, so she was in the pram most of the day and I just ducked out to feed her whenever I needed.

You sound a very caring husband and dad. I definitely don't think you should miss your brother's wedding as you could regret it and resent your wife.

If there really is no way your wife can come with you, then I think arrange for a friend or family member to be with her while you are away.

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tigitigi · 05/04/2011 16:48

Op your name is a misnomer - you are being an absolutely wonderful husband. Your love and concern for your wife shine through.

She is clearly having a difficult time and this is one of those issues that has blown out of all proportion. As a question - could you take the baby to the wedding with you and leave DW at home for a day off? I don't know if she will be BF or FF or if having the baby away form her would make her feel worse?

Is your wife getting professional support? IF so perhaps you can speak with her counsellor about this or with her DP's or a sibling.

I hope all comes good for you.

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JanMorrow · 05/04/2011 16:49

The alternative is you take the baby with you to the wedding and she stays at home! You'll have more than enough family members cooing over it to help you out (as long as she can express/you bottle feed).

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Ripeberry · 05/04/2011 16:50

You are not going on a long weekend bender, so go! You said it's not even 24hrs. And the baby is 7 weeks old, not 7 hours old!
Go and support your brother and have fun!

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olderandwider · 05/04/2011 17:01

OP, Anxiety UK has some very useful information about treating anxiety disorders. There are good psychological treatments that work well for many sufferers, such as CBT. It may be too much for your wife to think about getting treatment at the moment (it may simply create more anxiety!) but there is help put there and the condition can be overcome.

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olderandwider · 05/04/2011 17:02

out there, not put there

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mathanxiety · 05/04/2011 17:04

While you may not relish conflict, you will have to take the bull by the horns and take serious steps to deal with the anxiety problem, along with your wife, no matter how much it may cost. In the end, it doesn't help to just try to 'appease' anxiety like that, as Leslie says. I feel it would be good for both of you to see that the world doesn't end if you are away for a day, and there are backups caringly set in place by you for your wife and baby. You can be firm and kind about it.

But your priority here needs to be getting help for the anxiety issue, not twisting yourself into knots, rearranging your work, etc. in order to accommodate the problem.

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movingsoon · 05/04/2011 17:04

If your wife is feeling up to him why don't you go on a trip near the wedding for a few days. They she will get a change of scenery and you may be able to take the baby to a bit of the wedding on your own if your wife is not up to it. It may be a good opportunity for extended family to meet baby without having them visit which can also be stressful.
Don't think a final decision can be made until baby is here

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StealthPolarBear · 05/04/2011 17:06

I have only really read your posts OP
If this was a duty wedding (colleague, for example) I'd say don't go. But this is your brother and I think you should do everything in your powerto go, planning well in advance to make sure your wife is OK
The baby...yuo will get a milky kiss in the morning and another when you get back :o

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shushpenfold · 05/04/2011 17:10

Speaking personally I was a complete hormonal basket case following the birth of our first dc....for at least 5 weeks I was truly terrible and until 3 months post birth, pretty damn terrible. With hindsight I was just horribly stressed and hated the lack of control which just seemed to go on and on. You're being a lovely husband (as was mine) but I do think you need to go to the wedding. Good luck and keep chilled...it does get easier (3 dc later!)

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valiumredhead · 05/04/2011 17:12

What help is your dw getting for her anxiety OP?

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