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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving my wife and new born baby at home to go to a wedding

155 replies

tryingtobeagooddadandhusband · 05/04/2011 13:07

Am I being unreasonable to leave my wife and baby at home to go to my brother's wedding 7 weeks after my wife has given birth? I would have to leave very early in the morning and be back at about 9pm.

I am thinking that this is a huge event for my brother and would be sad for him if I could not make the wedding. On the other hand, my wife is very panicked about the thought of me being away for the day and the damage it would do to the baby for me to be away that long.

Please help! I hate the arguments it causes with my wife and she feels betrayed by the split loyalty feelings I have.

OP posts:
thesnowmanleft · 05/04/2011 13:46

Or, hire a nanny for the day and she can stay in the room (assuming there's a hotel) with baby. You rwife could pop up for feeds if she's breastfeeding?

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 13:46

It sounds to me like your DW may be feeling a little resentful of the fact you will be able to go and 'enjoy' yourself for the day whilst she is at home by herself with the baby. Which is unreasonable in itself but maybe she just feels she will struggle, nobody knows until the baby is here how they will cope. But you should absolutley go, you will regret it if you dont. She will be just fine and there will be NO damage to the baby whatsoever...

lesley33 · 05/04/2011 13:46

When somone is very anxious, you can actually make their anxiety worse in the long term by agreeing not to do the things that makes your OH anxious. I would go the wedding, but I would also work out a plan with your OH to help her deal with her anxiety while you are away.

This could include for example, x friend visiting for an hour at 11am and having a list of people who have agreed that she can phone if she is getting too anxious and they will come over.

MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 13:46

Hampsters I was saying nothing bad would happen to her because OP had said somebody else would be with her all day - she wouldn't be on her own.

thumbwitch · 05/04/2011 13:46

Hampsters - the OP isn't planning to leave his DW on her own with the baby - he has apparently already suggested getting someone in to sit with her and been shot down as "shirking his parental responsibilities".
In your case, would you have been trying to hang yourself if there had been someone there with you? (Genuine question)

QuintessentialShadows · 05/04/2011 13:47

You should go to the wedding. Your wife needs to either get a grip or get help. Ideally both. She cant hide behind her anxieties and shirk her responsibility as a human, a wife a parent, just to let her anxieties "thrive". If she is this anxious, she needs professional help. She will be a mum soon, what is she going to do then? What are YOU going to do, when you have to divide your care between your baby and her? You need to look after yourself, too.

millie30 · 05/04/2011 13:47

I've suffered from anxiety, yet I was amazed at how well I coped when I had my baby, and I was a lone parent with no support. She may find that once she has the baby she is able to manage much better than she thought.

Either way, I really don't think that you should miss your brother's wedding, so maybe arrange for someone to help and support her that day if she needs it. But don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed, it sounds like you are very supportive and are planning to be around to help alot once the baby arrives, so give yourself a break.

suzikettles · 05/04/2011 13:49

How long is it until the wedding, or in other words how long until your wife gives birth?

Can you say to your brother that you very much hope to be at the wedding but that your wife might not be well enough on the day so you'll play it by ear? Do your family know about your wife's mental health problems? If not, do you have anyone who will be able to give you support at it sounds like you will potentially have a lot of caring responsibilities when the baby is born if your wife isn't well.

Does she have medical support for her anxiety? She could be at increased risk of post natal depression so it would be good if the health professionals have a heads up to this now so she can get extra support.

If she has mental health problems then it might be that you can't go to the wedding if she's not well, but I don't think it's reasonable (although understandable given her anxiety problem) to expect you to say a definite "no" at this point.

NoWayNoHow · 05/04/2011 13:51

YANBU. If she's worried about being at home alone for that amount of time, then she should get a member of her family/a friend to come be with her. She DEFINITELY shuoldn't be trying to guilt you into not going to your own brother's wedding by telling you the "damage" it'll do to your baby.

What a crock. I'm afraid your DW is the one BU.

MollieO · 05/04/2011 13:52

I really think you need to be sorting out professional help for your wife. You sound very caring. I don't think I've ever read an OP on here where a new father is planning to work one day a week. Most take two weeks at best. Some of us do it all by ourselves from the off.

Being away from your baby for a day won't damage baby/you/your wife. Can't you arrange for a friend or your MIL to spend the day with your wife?

travispickles · 05/04/2011 13:53

You have to go. Unfortunately IME these situations are exacerbated by you playing up to them, so if you agree to stay at home you will soon find that you never do anything without your DP's agreement again. I don't know if I am making sense - but then I have just driven 200 miles with an 8 week old baby (leaving DP at home to work) to stay away for a few days. And the baby doesn't seem too damaged by it. Your DP is probably worried about how hard it will be (I was the same), but I have found it much easier than I thought.

HampstersDontSwim · 05/04/2011 13:54

Thumbwich,
I would have got into a state and legged it/done it before the other person got there.
It used to make me worse if I was feeling low and I knew somone oter than H was coming to check up on me.
The ops DW might have a nice DM or Dsis, if so then maybe they could help her, but for me there was none else.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 13:55

Get in touch with Homestart-providing the marvellous coalition government hasn't got rid of it- they were invaluable for me with my DD, they provide volunteer visitors/groups/access to other organisations, all free of charge.

FabbyChic · 05/04/2011 13:57

Your wife can get CBT via a referral from her GP alternatively you can pay privately up to £50 an hour, she may well be recovered by the time the wedding comes around.

If you give into her emotional blackmail now you will always be doing it.

What is she going to say when the child is six months old and you have to return to work? Live a life of poverty because the child will miss you?

I myself suffer from anxiety but not to the point that I put my illness on others and cause them hardship and stress.

TerrysNo2 · 05/04/2011 13:57

Is this something you have discussed further, removing the wedding from the equation? I remember when my DS was 7 weeks old and I hated every morning my husband went to work, I am a very capable and calm person usually but those first few months of being a parent were very tough. I can understand why she might be scared of the prospect.

Has she been left on her own yet? It might be worth trying this in short spells before the wedding, a few hours then half a day etc.

Is there anyone else that can come over to support her on the day?

Don't underestimate her fears into BU or not, I don't think it can be that simple, if she is suffering from PND or anxiety then this could be a really big deal for her.

I hope you can talk and resolve this. Good luck!

piprabbit · 05/04/2011 13:58

At the moment it sounds as though you and your DW are planning to follow the 'joined at the hip' parenting technique. Seven weeks of being stuck in a house with an anxious wife and newborn baby will not be a walk in the park. Six months of it is likely to test your marriage to the extreme.

You and your DW need to be coming up with some strategies for coping with a baby, sharing the workload and having some time for yourselves (alone and as a couple).

Ideally, these strategies could be used to enable you to attend your DBs wedding without feeling guilty. Having people popping by, preparing lunch in advance, making plans for some 'what if' situations might all be helpful.

louloudia · 05/04/2011 13:59

go, enjoy yourself

having a baby doesnt mean you never leave the house ever again

AllGoodNamesGone · 05/04/2011 14:00

Her anxiety is the only real issue here but she is trying to put the responsibility onto you with the stuff about it being harmful to the baby, you shirking duties etc. The baby will be absolutely fine and you are not shirking anything.

I do sympathise as she has a real problem here and she can't pull herself together any more than she could fix a physical disability that made it difficult for her to care for the baby alone.

However, it's totally unreasonable to expect you to miss your brother's wedding and, I'm sure, if she were feeling her normal self, she would realise that. You must go.

Crawling · 05/04/2011 14:01

Even so Hampsters being a carer for someone who is mentally ill is hard and sometimes for the sake of thier own mental health they must put their own needs first op is giving up work to care full time he will need to go to support himself, have a break and get family support. In my case my partner will section me if he cannot care for me or I am too ill.

sungirltan · 05/04/2011 14:05

have to agree with piprabbit - i thought i'd be lost without dh when he went back to work - quite the opposite! so much easier when he's not here - dd stays in her routine and everything gets done properly :)

again i'm more concerned about your paternity leave and dw's anxiety on the whole. i am more than sympathetic BUT she is being a bit manipulative.

if you are not planning to bf you could always consider taking the baby with you to the wedding - imagine dw would be apopleptic at this suggestion though

thumbwitch · 05/04/2011 14:08

Hampsters it is rough that you had no one who you could call on - but given what you say, I would say to the OP that he should get someone to come and be with his DW for the whole day, not pop in and check up on her. So this person needs to come before you leave, OP, and be there when you get back. I hope she does have family/ friends who would be able to do that for her/you.

QuintessentialShadows · 05/04/2011 14:10

I also suffered from anxiety, but it was MY anxiety, thus MY problem. I could not let it affect others. My husband would have none of it, btw. He would instantly recognize it for what it was and just ask me to deal with it. Best thing really. He did not pander to it, or make an issue out of it. He did however, help me through pnd.

When our first baby was born, I was terrified of him going back to work. He did go back to work when the baby was 1 week old. I must have rang him, what 10 times, the first day? Begging him, pleading with him to come home, threatening him, if he didnt come home, etc. He came home at 5 pm.
I was terrified of taking the baby out. I was terrified to drive a car, I had not driven for over 7 years when our baby was born. He had to go to India with work when our son was 3 months old. I realized I had to drive. I got into that bloody car and drove with our baby from Putney to Fulham, for a baby group. Scariest thing I had done in a while, but I did it. And I was so proud.

Life with a baby is not easy when you have anxiety. Our son slept with a cooking pot next to him on the pillow for the first 3 years of his life. Until our son was born, the emetophobe in me was scared I was going to throw up. Now I was scared our son would..... Hence the cooking pot on the pillow. A cooking pot could be easily sanitized after. Natch. Cook and kill the germs.... But one day I thought to myself. "The boy is three, what shall I answer him the day he asks me why there is a pot next to him". The pot was stowed UNDER the bed instead. One day I managed to put it back in the kitchen cupboard.

I am just sharing the above to let you see that having a baby, and being alone with a baby, is possible even when you have anxieties. But my husband never pandered to me, and I think if he did, he would normalize the situation, and ours would be an odd household, with cooking pots on every pillow as we would arrange our lives around my anxieties, rather than trying to manage the anxieties and get rid of them....

HampstersDontSwim · 05/04/2011 14:10

I do totaly understand that crawling.
I guess I have a bee in my bonnet about people saying that she should just get on with it and its not fair on her Dh ect.
Its not fair on the op but its not her falt and she needs help not just being told to get on with it. I bet if she could (just get on with it) then she would.

Imo the op should go to his Dbs wedding and have a great time but only if he can be sure that his Dw has help at hand.

The bit about it being bad for the baby to be away from its Dad was her speaking out of fear.

Parmallama · 05/04/2011 14:12

I was about to say this had to be a spoof...but

No problems whatsoever to leave the baby. It really won't know or care...it's far too young.

As for the wife....would need to know how serious her health problems are...especially given that she's just had a baby.
Surely there is a way around this?
Is there no-one who can pop in on her while you are away?

Crawling · 05/04/2011 14:14

I agree with you about it not being fair to say op DW should just get on with it. Proper care should be in place, and she should get help.