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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving my wife and new born baby at home to go to a wedding

155 replies

tryingtobeagooddadandhusband · 05/04/2011 13:07

Am I being unreasonable to leave my wife and baby at home to go to my brother's wedding 7 weeks after my wife has given birth? I would have to leave very early in the morning and be back at about 9pm.

I am thinking that this is a huge event for my brother and would be sad for him if I could not make the wedding. On the other hand, my wife is very panicked about the thought of me being away for the day and the damage it would do to the baby for me to be away that long.

Please help! I hate the arguments it causes with my wife and she feels betrayed by the split loyalty feelings I have.

OP posts:
pooka · 05/04/2011 13:30

Well you'll be out working one day a week anyway. Is no great leap for you to be out 2 days a week that particular week.

I'm terribly sorry, but your wife is being unreasonable. Particularly with regards to the 'shirking responsibility it friend/family member helps out' aspect.

deardoctor · 05/04/2011 13:30

It would definitely be normal for you leave wife and baby at that stage (thinking wistfully of DP buggering off working abroad for a week when DS2 was 2 weeks old).

If you are worried about wife's health then could someone come for the day and help out? Could you arrange for health visitor to drop round that day or could she meet a friend for tea? Anything to break up what might feel like a long day for her.

nenevomito · 05/04/2011 13:32

If your brother is getting married or having a do at a hotel, my advice would be for all of you to go and wife and baby can go to the hotel room and you can go in and out. I took a 6wo to a wedding like that and we dipped in and out of the wedding.

If not - no, YANBU to go to the wedding, its a one off.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 13:33

I think that you and your DW are going to have to push for professional help for her mental health.

She needs professional assistance to help cope with her anxiety.

I would suggest you post a thread on the Mental Health section asking for advice on where to access such assistance.

It is unfair for her to expect you to be available night and day, and at some point will not be feasible - I presume you will have to go back to work eventually?

nethunsreject · 05/04/2011 13:33

Oh, sounds tough, op.

Your wife may well find being a parent helps her - I am far less prone to anxiety and depression now than pre-kids.

It is only one day. It would be too much for a lot of new Mums - at 7 weeks, bfing is still getting going and your body is just starting to heal and recover. I think you need to go to your brother's wedding as it is important, but make sure provision is made for her to be kept company that day.

HampstersDontSwim · 05/04/2011 13:34

Of corse she cant value your DBs wedding over her anxieties lol!

I dont think she has taken up anxiety as a hobby.
She needs help and you need help to understand.

thumbwitch · 05/04/2011 13:34

Ah no, she is being a bully. You are not "shirking your responsibilities as a parent" by wanting to go to your brother's wedding for one day.

OK, she has anxieties. OK, she might have troubles being on her own - but if you can get someone to be with her that day, then you are taking responsibility by acknowledging her anxiety and helping her out. Her trying to throw that back in your face means there is more to it, not just her anxiety.

Please do go - you will resent her for stopping you from going if you don't.

MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 13:34

Ok so she has anxiety problems which I am in no way belittling - but there is nothing wrong with you being away for one day for something as important as your brother's wedding. And if there is another friend or family member who can be with her, that's another reason why you should be able to go.

Am wondering if,in her anxiety, your wife sees you as a crutch to help her cope from day to day? That's understandable, but you also have a life of your own and cannot be expected to be with her 24/7 - particularly if something important comes up.

It may actually be good for her for you to be away for the day. Nothing bad will happen to her; she will be fine at the end of it all, and it may just help sow a seed of confidence in her own abilities in her.

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/04/2011 13:35

Is the baby born yet? If not then I guess with her anxiety levels she is freaking out at the unknown. I have to say, your idea sounds like a recipe for disaster though - home with her 6 days per week? I know my relationship could not stand that, maybe yours is different though...

YANBU to leave her for a day when the baby is 7 weeks old. My DH left me for a weekend to work when DS was 6wo. It will not do the baby any harm. You cannot put your entire life on hold to be with her and/or the baby 24/7. You need to take your turn, let her have a rest, do what she wants to do away from the baby (probably not much at first, but in time it will) and be involved but you cannot avoid socialising or things like weddings forever Confused

thesnowmanleft · 05/04/2011 13:36

OFGS tryingtobeagooddadandhusband get a babysitter and have a day out, just the two of you.

The baby wont even notice! I don't wish to be disrespecctful but was this a serious conversation between you and your wife?! The mind boggles.

stripeytiger · 05/04/2011 13:37

Sounds like you have a difficult time ahead Trying.

Think I should step away from this thread before I say something hurtful rather than offering sensible advice which you are obviously looking for.

Best of luck.

pommedeterre · 05/04/2011 13:38

If I were your brother I'd be seriously pissed off if you did not come to the wedding.
Your wife definitely needs to sort herself out before the baby arrives. Shirking responsibility is an awful (and quite frankly, stupid) thing to say. Seriously, rather than having ludicrous conversations with you she needs to be prioritising getting meds/counselling whatever it is she needs.
Sorry to sound harsh but she sounds like she needs people to stop pussy footing around her and smack her in the face with reality.

FABsBackAndIsWell · 05/04/2011 13:39

Has the baby even been born yet? Confused.

You must go to your brother's wedding, your wife needs to see a doctor about her anxiety levels and the baby will not suffer from you being missing all day but might if s/he has a mother with PND and doesn't get treatment.

HampstersDontSwim · 05/04/2011 13:39

I would argue that 'nothing bad will happen to her' MOOMOO.

I was left on my own whilst having an anxiety epesode (Dh refused to come home as it was my issue not his) and I had tried to hang myself to get away from the fear.
Was 36wks pg and had 2dc.

Its allll to say that she should cope but its not always that bloody easy.

DilysPrice · 05/04/2011 13:39

I do feel for your wife, but you should not miss your brother's wedding - apart from anything else it sounds like you'll be needing as much reciprocal family support as you can get, so this is no time to stack up resentment against you.
Most women are absolutely fine on their own with a 7 week old for 24 hours, but some aren't, and your DW may be one of them, so put a plan in place for alternative support while you're away - there must be someone you can call on, even if it's a paid-for temp from a nanny agency.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 05/04/2011 13:40

She was saying that I was going to be a parent and could not just shirk my responsibilities on to other people (ie a friend or family member to be with her for the day in my stead)

I hardly call having a day out to attend your brothers wedding shirking your responsibilities OP.

Sounds like your wife need some counselling or something to get a grip on her fears and anxieties before she passes them onto you and your baby! Seriously OP, you need to sit down with your wife and try and get something sorted....a new baby if a big enough stress as it is and if you cant even have some time out without a major war breaking out..........the future dont look too rosy!
Hmm

sungirltan · 05/04/2011 13:40

hey op - i sympathise with your wife. firstly because i was super anxious before i had dd and secondly because i have a v close friend with an anxiety disorder who calls me for advice most days so i would never play down how scary something is to the person with anxiety. also i would probably have gone flipping mad at my dh if he was planning to go to a wedding in the same circs. however....i'd be totally fine about it now.

you could make a decison about it closer to the time (though i appreciate your dw wants you to say no once and for all now its the nature of the best with anxiety). you could consider who you could ask to spend the day with your dw (pick osmeone she gets on well with and wont feel uncomfortable with) OR think about staying over somewhere for a couple of nights? how about that and maybe your dw could go to the wedding safe in the knowledge she can retire to a hotel room at any time if it gets too much? - that would have helped me

i do think its important that you go to the wedding - even if you leave early or something - he is your brother and although anxiety isvery hard, you cant let it force you and your dw into a bubble.

wrt the energy levels - i have just started an iron supplement called Spatone (in boots in the vitamin section) it has worked bloody wonders and i am super sceptical of supplements etc - its safe in pregnany too - my pregnant friends recommended it because i was so exhausted few weeks back - worth a try?

lastly, my anxious friend had a baby 6 months ago and actually it has improved her anxiety quite a bit - shes not totally out of the water but realising that she was v capable as a mum has really boosted her confidence - you never know it might for your dw too :)

Crawling · 05/04/2011 13:41

I have mental health problems too, my DP does need to help and support and care for me sometimes but he has to have a break or he will also have mental health problems which means he cannot help me.

You need a break being a carer is hard and if you never have a break you wont be able to help her. Please go to the wedding op.

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/04/2011 13:41

get a babysitter and have a day out, just the two of you.

thesnowman Hmm the baby will be 7 weeks old. Even if she's not breastfeeding do you really think she'll want to leave it all day? I'm not particularly anxious and at 7 weeks old I could only just deal with leaving DS for a couple of hours at a time.

nethunsreject · 05/04/2011 13:42

Yes, good post, Crawling.
You need a break for one day.

nethunsreject · 05/04/2011 13:42

Aye, I couldn't leave a 7 wk old baby.

I don't think that is a realistic option.

TandB · 05/04/2011 13:43

To be honest, I think the wedding is a fairly minor issue compared with the wider picture.

How many days do you work now? How will it affect you financially to go down to one day? Is this something you actively want to do or have you been brow-beaten into it? Is this a long-term option?

I think you need to be addressing this anxiety issue now and developing coping strategies for when the baby is here. You simply can't live in an expectation that you will never be apart except for one day in seven. And how will she cope on that one day if she relies on you the rest of the time? Are you going to be constantly called home to deal with problems?

Forget the wedding and start thinking about how to build a workable, healthy family set-up.

corygal · 05/04/2011 13:44

I think you should go to the wedding.

You won't damage the baby by going away for a day. Your wife sounds knackered and overwrought if she is coming up with stuff like that - it can be par for the course. Ask a mate to spend the day with her and lay in some nice bits of food/dvds etc for them both.

clam · 05/04/2011 13:44

You're going to be working one day a week, for the first 6 months? How many other new mums have that support from their DHs?
Think one additional day ought to be acceptable.
But you have a far bigger problem than this wedding I think.

thesnowmanleft · 05/04/2011 13:45

I only just saw about the anxiety issues - sorry tryingtobeagooddadandhusband

but Eric, yes, absolutely! When mine was 7 weeks I would have sold my grandma for a day away from nappies and vomit!