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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm their bloody aunt?

227 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Committed, but unmarried. Unlikely to marry. Don't wish to marry. We have a daughter of 4.5 years.

Partner's sister and her husband have together 8 years, married for 5. It's the second marriage for each party. They have a son of 2 years and newborn daughter.

We are very friendly and see each other at least once a week. We babysit for each other and our daughter calls them Aunty X and Uncle Z. I love my niece and nephew very much.

Their son is beginning to talk. He has been instructed to call us Uncle A and First Name. I am apparently 'not really an Aunty' because I am 'only a girlfriend'.

I'm hurt, to be honest. AIBU to think their children should call me Aunty Scarlett and not just Scarlett? We're the only unmarried partnership in the whole extended family and sometimes just feel so bloody misunderstood.

OP posts:
corblimeymadam · 03/04/2011 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 03/04/2011 21:13

I tink they're being quite mean.

Have you told them how you feel?

Honeydragon · 03/04/2011 21:13

UANBU they are making a issue of it Sad

babylann · 03/04/2011 21:14

YANBU. I have the same with DP's family, we haven't been together as long but we do have a child together and don't foresee ourselves breaking up.

Have you spoken to them about it? Maybe you should express that you never plan to marry, but do intend for your relationship to be permanent "as though married". Assuming you do, of course.

ConnorTraceptive · 03/04/2011 21:15

That's really shitty of them. I would neglect to do aunty type things like gifts and cards. I do think you should speak up about this though.

bubblecoral · 03/04/2011 21:15

They are being mean, but technically, they are right.

I think a lot of committed long term relationships can be easily misunderstood if marriage isn't involved, but the fact that you have a child together should speak for something.

MillsAndDoom · 03/04/2011 21:17

I really think you should speak to them about it - they possibly misguidedly think that your choice not to be married means that you don't want to be called Aunt

pozzled · 03/04/2011 21:17

YANBU. How petty and judgemental.

Have you told them how you feel? How does your DP see it?

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:17

I will speak up, but realised that today -Mothers day, big family gathering, in front of extended family, and with the brand new baby naturally the focus, so post partum hormones etc, a factor for my SIL (as I consider her to be) - probably wasn't the ideal time to make the point.

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 03/04/2011 21:17

They sounds like utter twats.

skyberry · 03/04/2011 21:18

You are their aunt. I would just call yourself aunty scarlett in front of their children anyway.
Won't they be confused by the whole not a real aunty thing?

thorahird · 03/04/2011 21:20

oh its bollocks isn,t it how bloody picky some people are,2 of my closest girlfriends are both refered to as my dd,s aunties,im married now but was in your position for years,was with x for 11 years which i hasten to add was longer than 2 of my brothers 1st marriages put together but there relationships were always taken more seriously because they,d had the ritual,i wouldn,t let it get to you to much you cant change how some peoples minds are set and to be honest the word auntie in a childs head really wont hold much weight it,ll be more about how much fun you are Smile

vintageteacups · 03/04/2011 21:24

It's a bit like that with DH's brother and SIL. Their kids call DH Uncle X all the time, as do the parents when referring to him, yet when they speak to them about me, it's just Vintage Teacups. I now, don't tell my kids to call them Aunty and Uncle and always write their first name only in xmas/birthday cards.

can't be doing with the hassle of it all.

heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 21:27

YANBU, my Dsis has been with her DP 5 years. DS 6 calls her DP Uncle x, not prompted by us, and I asked how he felt about it as I was happy for him to do it if he and my sis were. (only been together 18 mths at that time but was serious iyswim?). He was flattered and has always been uncle x and now whispers she early pg he will always be uncle x as its his cousins dad.

NeverAttributeToMalice · 03/04/2011 21:29

I say this as someone who is in a similar situation re marriage: YAB a bit U. You can't expect people to treat you as a wife if you don't take the steps to become a wife, IYSWIM. I suppose the same thing applies with the "aunt" tag.

However, I would approach your B/SIL and ask them if they have some sort of problem with your relationship with your DP and point out that they have a very passive-aggressive way of making their point. Regardless of your marital status, you are part of their extended family and it is a hurtful way to make a point.

Maybe they think you don't want to be called "aunt" and they're trying to be PC?

Gracie123 · 03/04/2011 21:30

That does seem very mean.

My little sister has been just dating a guy for 5 years and they got engaged last year, but her DP has always been 'Uncle Mark' to my kids, even when they'd only been dating a short time.

That said, how do people feel about Grandma/Granny for a Grandads GF?
My FiL introduced us to his GF for the first time about 7 months ago. Turns out they've been dating for about 2 years but kept it secret. DH reckons she can't be called grandma/granny as it's disrespectful to MiL. She clearly wants that status and whilst I agreed with DH when we weren't sure how serious they were, they've just bought a house together, so I guess it's pretty serious.

Should we be calling her something other than 'first name'? Is the aunty thing easier because you can have lots of them? Or is the GP thing the same?

Confused
vintageteacups · 03/04/2011 21:31

My auntie always told us not to call her auntie as it made her feel old!

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:36

NeverAttributeToMalice - I don't expect to be treated as a wife (I don't want to be a wife) I expect to be treated as an aunt - as the mother of their cousin and partner of their uncle. An aunt!

OP posts:
inchoccyheaven · 03/04/2011 21:37

Gracie my mum remarried before I had my dc and as he isn't much older than me and we didn't get on at the time I didn't want my dc calling him grandad, besides which they already had my dad and dh dad as grandad. We finally settled on Pops so I think a slightly different name for fil gf. Good luck, my mum was adament he was given a proper title rather than his name which did cause unhappy feeling due to our non relationship but she was happy with Pops so all ended well.

TotallyUnheardOf · 03/04/2011 21:38

Gracie... My dh's dad died when he was quite young (long before we met/had kids), but my dds know (about) him as 'Grandad Fred'. MIL's second husband (whom she married sometime after she was widowed, and after my dh left home, so not a 'stepfather' in any real sense) is 'Grandad John'. Now that my dds are older they also understand that Grandad Fred is their 'real' grandad (in the sense that he was dh's dad); but equally Grandad John is also 'real', in the sense that he's the one they know and see regularly. Would that work? I can't work out from your post whether your FIL is divorced or a widower. Might be more sensitive if your MIL is still around, I suppose... I wouldn't do 'auntie', tbh. I think that's just confusing.

TotallyUnheardOf · 03/04/2011 21:41

X-posted with Choccyheaven... Yes, I guess that 'Nanny'/'Nana' or something might work too...

Sorry, OP, not ignoring you. I think you just have to talk to your B/SIL without acrimony and say 'Actually, I'd really prefer to be called Auntie So-and-So'. And then just use it all the time to refer to yourself (e.g. in cards, on present, when talking to the kids, etc.). It will stick...! Good luck.

Gracie123 · 03/04/2011 21:44

I wasn't suggesting we call her aunty! Grin I was just wandering if DH not wanting to call her granny/grandma was as unreasonable as the OP's SiL not wanting to call her aunt!

TBH, I suspect it's in part because we have only met her 3 times in the last 7 months and they live about a 4 hour drive from us. Both my mum and MiL live about 40 mins away and we see them very regularly.

Just seems wierd that we have no relationship with her, have really just met her, but she wants to have same status as our mums who have raised us, helped out with babysitting and diapers etc...

I think I'd put my foot down and insist if FiL seemed bothered at all, but he doesn't and as DH feels strongly about it I have just let it go. It's his family after all, but having read this thread I am wandering more about her feelings and whether I should have another chat to DH about it. Hmm

MillsAndDoom · 03/04/2011 21:45

OP I agree that you should be called Aunt - but going by your last post

"I don't expect to be treated as a wife (I don't want to be a wife) I expect to be treated as an aunt - as the mother of their cousin and partner of their uncle. An aunt!"

Technically an Aunt is "a person who is the sister or sister-in-law of a parent.[1] A man with an equivalent relationship is an uncle, and the reciprocal relationship is that of a nephew or niece."

JaneS · 03/04/2011 21:45

Are you sure they don't assume that you don't want to be considered an aunty? They might assume it goes with the territory of not wanting to get married, after all.

Gracie123 · 03/04/2011 21:45

Totally - that's a really good idea. If you sign everything off as aunty.... and get your DP to do the same, I'm sure they'll end up accidentally saying it! Grin