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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm their bloody aunt?

227 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Committed, but unmarried. Unlikely to marry. Don't wish to marry. We have a daughter of 4.5 years.

Partner's sister and her husband have together 8 years, married for 5. It's the second marriage for each party. They have a son of 2 years and newborn daughter.

We are very friendly and see each other at least once a week. We babysit for each other and our daughter calls them Aunty X and Uncle Z. I love my niece and nephew very much.

Their son is beginning to talk. He has been instructed to call us Uncle A and First Name. I am apparently 'not really an Aunty' because I am 'only a girlfriend'.

I'm hurt, to be honest. AIBU to think their children should call me Aunty Scarlett and not just Scarlett? We're the only unmarried partnership in the whole extended family and sometimes just feel so bloody misunderstood.

OP posts:
BeerTricksPotter · 03/04/2011 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

griphook · 03/04/2011 22:23

I think they are being very very judgemental and so very rude, and when the new born is a little bit older I think you dp should be having very strong words with his family.

You have got me thinking though what myself and dp are called by brothers and sisters children. We are not married and have been togther for 16 years (alot longer than some marriages) and we have no intention of getting married, our relationship is often deemed to be second class by jugmental marrieds.

Glitterandglue · 03/04/2011 22:25

Some people want to be really specific about stuff like this, exact definitions of relationships and such. Others think it's more about what the relationship means than whether it exactly fits the word.

Um, what I mean is, my cousins and I always called our nan's boyfriend Granddad John. Even though they weren't together that long and she was dead by the time two of us were one, so we would have started using that just when/after we started learning to talk. And I am aunty to my cousin's kids because I do all the things you'd expect most aunties to do (like seeing them regularly, taking them out, babysitting, generally taking an interest in their lives) and because getting kids to say 'first cousin once removed' is both confusing for them and pointless. It doesn't mean anything, whereas aunty does. They mostly call me by my first name anyway or by a family nickname, but I get 'aunty' in cards and things. Whereas my cousin's sister, who almost never sees them (she's never been round to her sister's house and she's lived there two years now, and she lives approx two miles away) is just 'mom's sister' whenever she is rarely spoken about.

TheSkiingGardener · 03/04/2011 22:30

Well they are technically correct, in that you are not related to them. You have a child with someone who is. If you would like to be related to that family you have a solution available to you.

They are labouring a point though which doesn't seem worgy the amount of hut it is causing.

upahill · 03/04/2011 22:33

I never said they weren't proper cousins!
I said they were because of the OP's boyfriends relationship.

I omitted the word 'children'

The op's children are cousins of course because the Op's boyfriend is the uncle.

(too many mother's day glasses of wine is making me have typos!)

bilblio · 03/04/2011 22:35

YANBU. I'd be hurt if this was me. Who is is that's said this? Is it SIL, BIL, MIL?

I'm not one for confrontation so I'd probably keep refering to myself as Aunty and correct the child if he calls you by your first name.

DH and I finally got married last year, after 15 year together.

We have both always been Aunty & Uncle to our nieces and nephews who started appearing 5 years ago. I've called his family my In-laws for at least 10 years, and they've called me their daughter in-law ("even though you're not really, but it doesn't matter" said my drunk MIL when BIL got engaged.) My family have always done the same with him... but without the drunken comments :)

Everyone was very pleased when we did finally get around to getting married, although MIL and SIL were a bit shocked/disappointed that I was keeping my surname and not becoming another Mrs X. :o
I don't know why I'd been saying for 15 years I'd keep my name.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 03/04/2011 22:35

I'm surprised they don't just get their DC to refer to you as 'Hey You'...Hmm ffs

PelvicFloorsOfSteel · 03/04/2011 22:37

YANBU in this day and age marriage shouldn't be such a big deal, no-one [in their right mind] goes round saying 'this is your bastard cousin' - which would probably be the legally correct definition if an aunt can only be someone married to a parent's sibling.

I think it's the relationship with the children that matters so my sister's husband is an uncle, DP's sister's partner (they are not married and currently have no children) is also an uncle. They're both brilliant with DS and that's what matters Smile.

blackeyedsusan · 03/04/2011 22:39

call bil fred, rather than uncle fred...

or just call yourself aunty scarlett (as mentioned above)

How petty, understandable if you are new on the scene but 10 flippin' years and a child together Confused

moominmarvellous · 03/04/2011 22:39

Eek! I could well be your SIL! (I'm not as i only have sisters) but DH's brother and his GF have been together longer than us, have no children and are not married and i refer to them as Uncle John and Sally, not because they're not married, but tbh, it's just never occurred to me to refer to her as Auntie.

In my defence, DD doesn't call any of my sisters Auntie either, it's just never evolved that way. She knows they are her aunties, but we don't call them that as a title. None of my nieces or nephews call any of us Auntie anything.

Somehow BIL became Uncle John, think the IL's started calling him that to DD so now so do we!

missedith01 · 03/04/2011 22:40

Speaking as someone who has been only a girlfriend for 20+ years, some people will never get that lack of marriage doesn't necessarily mean lack of commitment. They are either mean or extremely thoughtless. YANBU.

honeyandsalt · 03/04/2011 22:42

Sounds like they they you should be married and they're making a passive-aggressive point. If you want to sort it out, get them round, cook a comfort food meal, and hash it out over a bottle of red - your views on marriage I mean. You can open the conversation obliquely, like, ask them what they think of the royal wedding or whatever. You've got your own reasons for not wanting to get married obv and hopefully if you explain them and your commitment to your relationship they'll respect your decision more.

By the way, my friend's sister had an anti-wedding party, sort of a way of expressing their commitment without tying the knot. Think it was a bring a dish village hall wild flowers type affair, sounds like fun...

upahill · 03/04/2011 22:45

I have thought a bit more about this and wondered why I think like I do.
I can understand the 'you're only a girlfriend' comment would sting and I would have challenged that as soon as I heard it.

I can't understand why you are getting uptight about not being refered to as aunty. I honestly don't get it at all and like I said I've been through it and it never even crossed my mind to tell DH's( as he is now)nephews to refer to me as their aunt.

I think this goes back to me being a child and a lot of kids in my street called their mum's best friend 'aunty........' and my mum going on about how ridiculous it was, saying how can they be her aunty?!!'

My closest friend tried to get her child to call me aunty (this is 22 years ago and I totally refused. I love the child (now a grown women with her own children) dearly but I am not her aunt.

I get (reluctantly) that people just use it as a title of conviennce. It doesn't mean it sits comfortably with me though.

muminthemiddle · 03/04/2011 22:45

It does seem a bit odd. I would write auntie on cards etc. However, I wouldn't let it bother me. My ex sil towards the end of her marriage, although I was unaware of her plans to leave bil, stopped referring to herself as auntie to my dcs. She was their auntie as their dad is her husbands brother, I found it quite rude tbh but now can see her reasoning. Sorry doesn't help your situation though.

Icoulddoitbetter · 03/04/2011 22:46

YANBU. They are actively encouraging their DS to not see you as much a part of the family which is just odd as you clearly are.

Before DH and I got married, I remember being really touched by something his brother did. His DS had to take photos of family into nusery, and he showed them to us. I was in loads of them, and on the back it said "UnceDH and AuntyIcould", or "granny and auntyIcould" I though it was lovely as it really made me feel part of the family!

lurkerspeaks · 03/04/2011 22:54

My friends kids call me "auntie lurker" and I"m not even related to them....

..however to use a hideous bit of modern parlance I'm part of their framily and will probably be around at more of their significant life events than their real aunts who live several thousand miles away. I'm not saying this in a competitive way their real family are always going to be hugely important to them it is just that I am able to step in and do some of the things with them that I remember my aunts doing for me (like going swimming, my Mother hated it; buying me 'fashionable' clothes, that my Mother thought were too trendy; providing a welcome pair of non-parental ears to moments of teenage angst - what GCSEs to choose etc.)

However I'm aware that non-family aunts are very controversial on mumsnet.

MajorBumsore · 03/04/2011 22:54

I am in exactly the same situation. Have been with Dh for 8 years, married for 3, have 5 year old. The morning after our wedding my SIL commented to her kids ' oh you can call Major Aunty Major now!'. I was so fucked off at her silly arsed Daily Mail attitude (she is a major nob head) that I cut off my nose to spite my face and retorted 'Oh Major will do just fine'.
It pissed me off that despite obviously being Dh's long term partner, our relationship wasn't legitimised to her until we were officially married. Perhaps in private she thought that our DD was't really her niece!

ValiumSoltera · 03/04/2011 23:00

Sounds like they're making a crappy little point. You are the mother of their children's cousin. That makes you a relative. I'm not surprised that you are Shock Shock at that! Really weird of them.

ValiumSoltera · 03/04/2011 23:11

Upahill, you haven't been through it unless you were with your bf ten years before you got married, and had a child with him before you got married.

When you were buying presents for your dh's nephews how long had you been his gf? Not ten years I'm guessing? Were you already the mother of those nephews' cousins??

You haven't been through it.

clam · 03/04/2011 23:15

I can see why you're pissed off but..... I'm afraid that technically they're correct. You aren't actually the children's aunt, any more than I am. Being the mother of their cousins doesn't qualify, officially.
Bloody rude of them to say you're "only" a girlfriend though. You could remember that next time you're shopping for presents.

HansieMom · 03/04/2011 23:35

You are good enough to babysit their two year old and newborn, and to be guardian of those children should the parents die, but not deserving of being called Auntie? Would you have to marry before you are qualified to assume guardianship? Just asking!

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 03/04/2011 23:41

They are being unreasonable. I am aunty xx to two of my friends children. It's a relationship, not a status. I will be there for both of them, whenever, throughout their lives. Like an aunty

upahill · 04/04/2011 07:42

Valium Wind your neck in.
I was with him my now Dh 7 years and had DS1. Ok not quite 10 but not far off.

So yes I do know.

goodbyemrschips · 04/04/2011 08:01

Consider yourself the cool auntie because the kids call you by your first name.

I am an auntie to 6 and although they know im their auntie they have always just called me by my first name.

It is only a name, what you do for them will be what matters.

doonhamer · 04/04/2011 08:06

I think they are being quite mean too. My DB has been with his partenr for 11 years nw, and both my DCs calle her Auntie x. They are getting married next year so she will offically be their auntie, but always has been in our eyes