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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm their bloody aunt?

227 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Committed, but unmarried. Unlikely to marry. Don't wish to marry. We have a daughter of 4.5 years.

Partner's sister and her husband have together 8 years, married for 5. It's the second marriage for each party. They have a son of 2 years and newborn daughter.

We are very friendly and see each other at least once a week. We babysit for each other and our daughter calls them Aunty X and Uncle Z. I love my niece and nephew very much.

Their son is beginning to talk. He has been instructed to call us Uncle A and First Name. I am apparently 'not really an Aunty' because I am 'only a girlfriend'.

I'm hurt, to be honest. AIBU to think their children should call me Aunty Scarlett and not just Scarlett? We're the only unmarried partnership in the whole extended family and sometimes just feel so bloody misunderstood.

OP posts:
ValiumSoltera · 05/04/2011 20:40

Ladysybil, do you feel bullied that the common people will not respect your 'right' to imperiously and pompously be a snidey bitch? That is really heartbreaking.

tigitigi · 05/04/2011 20:45

that seems a bit mean of your DP's family.

I am married and it drives me mad that DH's DN's call me auntie - I don't want that I just want my name (everyone even my kids call me by my name). My kids call all relatives and many friends auntie and uncle because that is what they want to be called.

It is very important to you and insensitive of the rest of the family to single you out like that and not give a thought to your feelings.

Could your DP have a quiet, non confrontational word with his family about how hurt you are without making a big issue of it?

Oh and I think some posters have been really mean. I would never live with a DP or have children without being married but that is my decision and not for me to dictate to anyone else, nor would I ever say to my kids they could not call someone in your position 'auntie', that's just bonkers. I hope that your DPs family come to their senses soon.

SilverScarf · 05/04/2011 21:14

I think you should sit down and nicely and calmly explain that it bothers you and why.

I am sure they will be delighted that you care enough to request that you are called Aunty. Perhaps they weren't thinking, didn't want to be presumptuous or it was an oversight?

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 22:40

Perhaps SilverScarf. Let's hope so.

OP posts:
ladysybil · 05/04/2011 23:36

valium, i dont need to come onto an online forum to be bitchy. feel free to keep that right for yourself and anyone else who would like to go through life unable to see that every story has two sides to it, at least.

ValiumSoltera · 06/04/2011 08:30

I believe you that you don't need to go online to be a snide bitch, or as you say 'see two sides to a story'. Hmm Seeing two sides to a story usually makes people feel empathy and behave more sensitively.

ladysybil · 06/04/2011 13:30

did writing that make you feel better about yourself valium?

noprivateprofile · 06/04/2011 13:56

It always surprises me how many posters on MN assume that everyone sees a cohabiting couple with a child as the same as a married couple. The fact is that lots of people and families still believe that marriage is important (even though we all know couples that have lifelong relationships without being married) and I think that this has come across in some of the comments.

In all likelihood they probably don't see your relationship as having the permanence of a marriage even though you have a child together and that is why they don't refer to you as an aunty.

I know that you don't see it this way and feel that this couple are not seeing this from your point of view, but it might be worth looking at it from theirs. Why don't you explain to them how much this means to you.

BTW, I've never been known as 'Aunty' anything. I like to be called by my name.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 06/04/2011 14:02

I think marriage is very important. But only to me.

I really dont understand why people get married or are expected to if they dont want to.

Particularly church weddings if you dont believe in God ( I dont mean if you dont go to church). Why SHOULD people HAVE to get married?

I am very much in favour of longterm or even lifelong, committed and loving relationships but I dont see why that has to mean a wedding.

rustygate · 06/04/2011 14:38

Not having to spend 30 years referring to someone as your "partner" or "other half" is incentive to marry.

At what stage in a relationship does someone go from being a boy/girlfriend to a partner?

ValiumSoltera · 06/04/2011 14:49

I feel good about myself thank you ladysybil. That's why I'm not tempted to be pointlessly snide and mean to people whilst simultaneously asking them to respect my right to be snide and mean.

rustygate · 06/04/2011 14:51

Valium and ladysybil - would you both please wind your necks in.

PrettyCandles · 06/04/2011 15:04

Some people seemto be a bit precious about the title of Aunt or Auntie. When I was a child Aunt meant a sister or SIL of either of your parents, but Auntie So-and-so was rhe way we were expected to address any adult woman who was a good friend of your parents, particularly if you saw her often. Sometimes Auntie also meant a 'technical' aunt.

Surely in the modern world this title is more about theactual relationship between the child and the relevant adult, than about whether a piece of paper has been signed?

empirestateofmind · 06/04/2011 15:12

A partner just doesn't feel as permanent as a spouse. And the statistics back this up:

www.bcft.co.uk/images/Back%20off%20or%20fire%20back.pdf

A quote from the article:
Benson?s analysis also found that marital status was the single most important factor in predicting break-up. Demographic factors such as age, income, education, ethnic group and receipt of welfare payments each independently influence the risk of family breakdown amongst new parents. Yet after controlling for these factors, unmarried parents were still more than twice as likely to split up compared to similar married couples.

(I do know statistics are only relevant for large samples, looking at individuals is not what it is about).

OP your partner's family obviously don't feel like you are a permanent member of the family. You need to talk to them about this if it going to annoy you. Like others I wonder why you won't marry into the family yet you want to be an auntie.

I am not called auntie, my nieces and nephews call me Empire. All my generation are called by their first name (not uncle or auntie) on my side and DH's side yet every couple is married. That is what naturally evolved.

NorksAdrift · 06/04/2011 22:50

Well I am as married as they come, but that is bollocks.

tabulahrasa · 06/04/2011 23:58

So if it's about being married, what happens after a divorce? Do you lose your neices and nephews as well?

fastedwina · 07/04/2011 00:24

probably, unless there is children and you get on well with your inlaws.

tabulahrasa · 07/04/2011 00:33

But if people are saying it's all about the marital status - then none of that would count would it?

ZenNudist · 07/04/2011 00:45

I can understand why you are upset. Technically you are not an aunt. It was mean to make a big deal of it. My friends and family always use aunty and uncle as a sort of title to friends of the family. So to my ds a lot of my friends describe themselves as aunts & uncles. I did the same with my parents' friends when i was little. Is this not customary where you are?

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 07/04/2011 00:49

Yes it is ZenNudist. DD has a few 'aunts' and 'uncles' who are just friends. Several of my friends' children call me 'Aunty Scarlett'.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 07/04/2011 10:26

"Technically you are not an aunt"

At the risk of repeating myself... technically no-one is an Aunt or Uncle except the brother or sister of one of your parents. There is no legal staus to calling someone aunt who is related by marriage.

I assume by "technically" you mean legally.

The courtesy title is just that but obviously OP's family-not-in-law are not very courtious (sp?) or somehow also hung up on the erroneous "technical" definition

stealthcat · 07/04/2011 10:33

If you google the definition of 'aunt' you get a number of results saying:
a. The sister of one's father or mother. b. The wife of one's uncle.

So its not unreasonable for people to think that that is what it means to be an aunt.

People who use this definition arent doing it to be rude, or to make any value judgements about the relationship, but simply because that is the definition they are using.

Kewcumber · 07/04/2011 11:05

if you google you can generally find anything you want to support your position however the majority of dictionaries that I have read include as one of the meanings an older woman used by children often a fmialy friend (or similar).

I think most people mean "legally" when they say technically because I genuinely think most people don;t realise that an aunt by marriage has no status under any law I could fin - intestacy, next of kin, decision under mental health act etc.

I understand that people think Aunt means bro/sis/bil/sil and no-one else but I would be surprised if you can find any technical definition that supports that.

Legally its blood relation, common usage (dictionaries) includes older unrelated woman.

stealthcat · 07/04/2011 11:54

It didnt take any great effort - it was the first definition that came up. My point was that if people think that an aunt is either the sibling of a parent or thier spouse, then that isnt an especially odd opinion to have, and not necessarily a sign of disrespect to the OP if her partners family see it that way.

Kewcumber · 07/04/2011 12:08

I wasn't particularly addressing it at OP's family but at the repeated cries of other posters that "technically" they are correct. No, "technically" they are not correct, it might be their understanding but its not everyones understanding of the word in fact Oxford English dictionary's definition includes adult female friend.

Op's family are quite within their rights to stick to their own definition - but it doesn't make it technically correct. And regular claims of "technically" they are correct is not backed up by law or even the most often quoted English reference point.