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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm their bloody aunt?

227 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Committed, but unmarried. Unlikely to marry. Don't wish to marry. We have a daughter of 4.5 years.

Partner's sister and her husband have together 8 years, married for 5. It's the second marriage for each party. They have a son of 2 years and newborn daughter.

We are very friendly and see each other at least once a week. We babysit for each other and our daughter calls them Aunty X and Uncle Z. I love my niece and nephew very much.

Their son is beginning to talk. He has been instructed to call us Uncle A and First Name. I am apparently 'not really an Aunty' because I am 'only a girlfriend'.

I'm hurt, to be honest. AIBU to think their children should call me Aunty Scarlett and not just Scarlett? We're the only unmarried partnership in the whole extended family and sometimes just feel so bloody misunderstood.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 04/04/2011 17:41

"I think that they are right, technically you aren't an aunt. People are often confused with this with regard to inhertitance law. Marriage changes more than people realise in law."

No no no = (at the risk of repeating myself) in law (as far as I am aware) when determining next of kin Aunt and Uncle are ONLY blood relations and NOT by marriage. Same as for rules of intestacy - aunts and uncles by marriage have no right to inherit if you die intestate.

Aunt and UNcle for ANYONE not a blood relation is a courtesy title only.

minipie · 04/04/2011 17:59

Kew yes, true, I suppose to be correct you'd say "aunt by marriage" or "aunt in law" but people do just use "aunt" for short.

But with someone who is not married you can't say "by marriage" or "in law" -so I guess technically you couldn't say "aunt" for short either".

yama · 04/04/2011 17:59

Well done Kewcumber. All this incorrect "technically" nonsense was irritating me.

Kewcumber · 04/04/2011 19:15

there no such thing as an Aunt in law or an aunt by marriage technically they should be called "that woman who is married to my uncle". If we're being technically correct.

hocuspontas · 04/04/2011 19:17

journey - are you in my yr2 class at school? That sounds like something they'd say...

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 04/04/2011 19:19

We're differentiating between Aunt-in-blood and Aunt-in-law by name now?

I shall ask to be called Aunt-in-sin.

OP posts:
ladyintheradiator · 04/04/2011 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moomaa · 04/04/2011 19:36

Erm I wasn't keen on my kids calling my sister's boyfriend uncle and it wasn't really because they weren't married, although I used that as an excuse, it was because I didn't like him that much (and the main reason for that was because he smoked and was smelly Blush). When I stopped being mean and made an effort to get to know him I changed my mind and kids now call him uncle.

RunAwayWife · 04/04/2011 19:43

I think they are being horrible.

If you had only been around for a month of so fair enough but you have been together longer then them and also you have a child together.

MEAN NASTY PEOPLE

TeddyMcardle · 04/04/2011 19:44

Aunt it Sin is great Grin
YANBU

upahill · 04/04/2011 20:01

It doesn't matter what people here think about whether you should be called aunt or not.

What I do think should happen is that you should have a chat with them because the important thing is that it is an issue to YOU.

I would also say that it stung being refered to as 'just a girlfriend'

smokinaces · 04/04/2011 20:16

On the other side I was called Auntie by me Ex-H's sister's children. we were together for 7 years and I adored those kids. I was proud to be "Auntie" even when we werent married.

However, since he walked out I have been cut out of their lives - his sister wont let them speak to me properly. And now the ex's new girlfriend is "auntie xxx" Thats devastating to me.

So now I wont be Auntie to anyone but my blood relatives.

YANBU to be upset though. My best friends kids have never called me Auntie, but the 10 year old told me the other day I was his Aunt really - made my day inside Grin Its the acceptance as a major part in their life isnt it? And you're being denied that Sad

smokinaces · 04/04/2011 20:17

"by me"??? by my! sorry, long day

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 04/04/2011 21:05

So, under the laws of intestacy, 'relations by marriage' cannot inherit just as 'unmarried partners' cannot.

Same category, there.

OP posts:
RevoltingPeasant · 04/04/2011 21:48

Scarlett, YANBU, which you already know.

The real question, being niftily avoided by the technicality bods on here, is why they are so keen to cut you off from their family?

I don't buy this nonsense about not-marrying meaning you are not part of the family - only if you have a barkingly narrow definition of 'family'. You are the mother of one of their blood relations, so if that doesn't qualify you as family, what does? Honestly.

'Only a gf' is the real issue here. If it had been me, I'd've taken issue with that directly and said I didn't like the term gf. After all you are not 16 Hmm!

upahill · 04/04/2011 22:10

'only a gf is the issue here.If it had been me I'd have taken issue directly.'

I have said this several times!!!

niccibabe · 04/04/2011 22:41

YANBU and YABU.

YANBU to want to be called 'Aunty' - you can want to be called anything you like

YABU to want to dictate how other people train their DC to address you.

I would strongly counsel against the getting the DC to call you 'Aunty Scarlett' without the parents' say so - it could cause no end of trouble with the DC caught in the middle.

My family have strongly felt that only relatives (a partner would count as a relative), not friends, should be 'Aunty' and 'Uncle', so before our DC was born, DH agreed with me that we wouldn't refer to friends as 'Aunty' and 'Uncle'.

Some good friends came to visit after DC was born and immediately started to refer to themselves as 'Uncle' and 'Aunty'. DH let it slide because they are good friends. I resent it as a bloody cheek, and avoid seeing them because of it. When we do see them, I always refer to them as first name, and keep doing so, even when they refer to themselves as 'Uncle' and 'Aunty'. They have yet to take the hint. DH has yet to agree that we should mention it, in case they are offended. I am still staggered by their breathtaking presumptiousness.

xkittyx · 04/04/2011 23:07

Wow niccibabe, you need to chill out and get over yourself!

niccibabe · 04/04/2011 23:31

OK, I could have put it much better - was having a bit of a vent Blush. My point was that this couple could have either have taken note that we didn't ask them if they would like to be 'Aunty' and 'Uncle', or asked us if we minded. It's become a sore point in my family, and I didn't think that OP's family would necessarily take well to her following the advice to call herself 'Aunty Scarlett', when they have made a point, rather rudely in their case, of saying that she isn't an aunt.

Pepa · 05/04/2011 00:05

I've called many of my parents close friends aunty or uncle - being a blood relation or married to one is not a pre-requisite. Being someone I could count on and who loved me was....

I would be very hurt and angry by this OP

Pepa · 05/04/2011 00:09

Also agree that ONLY a gf is pointed and cruel and speaks of a family hierarchy that should not exist.

In my experience family is determined by how you treat each other and not by rings on fingers.

niccibabe · 05/04/2011 00:42

Pepa - agree the ONLY a gf comment was cruel, and if I was OP I too would be hurt by this. However, family traditions can be strongly held, and if the family doesn't call unmarried partners 'Aunty' or 'Uncle' because that's what they believe is right (no matter what anyone else thinks!), then the OP may just have to accept that they think in that way. The important thing is that the children won't love her any less, whether she is called 'Aunty' or not.

ladysybil · 05/04/2011 00:47

if you refuse to accept to be a legal part of the family then yabu to expect to be called an aunt. Its your choice not to get married. that means you have to take the good with the bad. In this family it seems that being married is important and if you cant accept that for yourself, thats fine, but forcing other people to conform to your beliefs isnt fine.

fastedwina · 05/04/2011 01:00

perhaps they have no scooby that it is such a big deal for you and mean no harm at all. just speak to them about it and say as you love the children you would love to be called aunty. i am an aunt by my sister and brothers kids but just get called by my name - it's not such a big deal. If you don't want to be Mrs why get so upset by the term 'aunt'?

startail · 05/04/2011 01:11

My mum always said she didn't want to be called Auntie B, she said she was very Pro B
and DPs family are being VVVUnreasonable. Many of the unmarried couples I know have stayed together far more stably than the married ones.