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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm their bloody aunt?

227 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Committed, but unmarried. Unlikely to marry. Don't wish to marry. We have a daughter of 4.5 years.

Partner's sister and her husband have together 8 years, married for 5. It's the second marriage for each party. They have a son of 2 years and newborn daughter.

We are very friendly and see each other at least once a week. We babysit for each other and our daughter calls them Aunty X and Uncle Z. I love my niece and nephew very much.

Their son is beginning to talk. He has been instructed to call us Uncle A and First Name. I am apparently 'not really an Aunty' because I am 'only a girlfriend'.

I'm hurt, to be honest. AIBU to think their children should call me Aunty Scarlett and not just Scarlett? We're the only unmarried partnership in the whole extended family and sometimes just feel so bloody misunderstood.

OP posts:
poopnscoop · 04/04/2011 09:13

As to the 'drama of a wedding'... a wedding is what YOU both make of it. Huge, with all the (stress) trimmings.. or small and intimate. This is an excuse I have heard way too many times for people not wanting to get married, so it doesn't wash with me. It can be done cheaply, with nil fuss.

nethunsreject · 04/04/2011 09:14

They are being rotten, op.

Of course you are their Aunt.

lalalonglegs · 04/04/2011 09:17

At my now-husband's brother's wedding, I wasn't allowed in the pictures because they were only for spouses and fiancees... We had been together three years longer than the bride and groom, bought a house together etc etc Hmm

ValiumSoltera · 04/04/2011 09:18

No wedding is 'nil fuss'. Some are done cheaply and fair play, but in the last 20 years of watching friends get married I've never, ever known a wedding to be 'nil fuss'. Weddings terrify people, especially introverted men I think.

poopnscoop · 04/04/2011 09:18

Lala... that is ridiculous!!! :(

ValiumSoltera · 04/04/2011 09:19

lalalonglegs, you gotta wonder what goes on in people's heads that they think it's reasonable to verbalise that out loud. "I don't want you in the pictures because you're not married". I mean, she'd only been married ten minutes herself! Was she allowed in your pictures?!

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 04/04/2011 09:20

That's just bloody nasty. How are things with the SIL & BIL otherwise?

Stokey38 · 04/04/2011 09:20

They are being mean, I am 'aunty' to all my DPs neices and nephews even though we aren't married. We've been together 9 years.

ValiumSoltera · 04/04/2011 09:25

Stressedheaderic, I don't see the anti-marriage venom. Hmm but some married people seem to be saying 'you must respect my right to look down on you and treat you differently because you're not married'.

Also, somebody says something a few posts back 'an excuse for not getting married' and it doesn't wash with her. Well that just shows that it's the other way 'round!! People don't need an excuse TO get married. But people have to provide a satisfactory excuse for not getting married?! Hmm

NinkyNonker · 04/04/2011 09:53

I'm not called Aunt by any of DH's nieces and nephews, I'm just Ninky. Never thought much of it, do I'd imagine your hurt is more at being singled out OP, which is fair enough.

Definitely pick them up on the just a girlfriend comment, and carry on referring to yourself as Auntie!

poopnscoop · 04/04/2011 09:59

Valium, that was me who said that, but not in the way you mean... I do not mind/am not bothered etc. whether friends etc/. etc. are married or not. It has nothing to do with me. How they live their life is their concern. It just bothers me when we have a conversation and she/he might say they aren't getting married due to finance alone. A trip to the registry office is cheapo... hence me saying it's an excuse that doesn't wash (for me) :)

ValiumSoltera · 04/04/2011 10:09

I would still like to get married one day. And if/when I do (god I pity myself for still having a gram of optimism at 41) I don't want it to be a dash in and out of a register office and then back to work. I know some people do that, but I don't blame people for not wanting that. Even a meal for close family and friends and a few flowers a small cake, a dress, suits, a honey moon... even a low key wedding is expensive. But of course it is all about priorities but I just remember how exasperated I felt when I was judged by people like the OP's in laws. As it turns out I'm so glad he wouldn't marry me. I wouldn't give him the time of day let alone marry him when I came to my senses! But I think in these situations there's often one who wants to get married and one who doesn't and usually the one who does is in a very awkward position. Short of saying pathetically, 'unlike your fabulous committed partner' mine won't commit! what do you do when you're put on the spot. If you say fuck off, a lot will be read in to that too. It's a tricky line to tread, and the line might not be of your choosing.

Kewcumber · 04/04/2011 10:25

just to stop all the "technically" bods. By law aunts and uncles are the brother or sister of your parent ONLY, relatives by marriage are not legally in the "next of kin" list at all. So whether you are married to your partner or not the title Aunt is courtesy only.

I think its sad and I would say so. My DS calls my best Friend "auntie" X and she isn't married. It means something to her and to him.

Technically as DS was adopted and I am not married, I guess he should call me "Kewcumber" rather than mum? Hmm

PoisoningPigeonsInThePark · 04/04/2011 10:29

I was brought up in 1980 rural village England that referring to an adult it had to be Mrs or Mr Surname or Uncle/Aunt Christian name anything else was disrespectful.

It not something I do with my DC - we take our cues from the people themselves.

But my parents who raised me this way objected to my dc referring to sis partner and father of her DC, their cousin, as uncle they wanted him to referred to by just his first name. They owed a house were engaged through with no wedding on horizon but apparently he was not my DC uncle Hmm.

He now no longer around as he left sis but it did make for awkward gatherings though guy in question never made a fuss - we always felt what ever we did we were in the wrong.

upahill · 04/04/2011 11:12

Sorry Valium. I have rew read what I have wrote and yes it is harsh about 'winding necks in and all that' Sorry .
I did expain that I was in a similar situation (albeiit 3 years less than MissScarlet ) and that I was brought up not calling people 'aunty' unless there was a legal connection.

It's not a wrong or right view but it is my view.
Op asked if she was being unreasonable. The majority don't think she is. I do. Fair enough. I do think she has also been treated rudely though.

It's not end of the world stuff. I understand people don't get married for many reasons but I just hope her and other people in her situation have all the legal bases covered if in case anything goes wrong in the future.

I have had a conversation with a bloke at work who has been with his girlfriend about 19years, dead happy and no children. He didn't realize that he is not her next of kin if something terrible happened to her.
It's all very well families getting on when everything is good but the sqabbling starts when there are differences of opinion. Another colleague pointed out that if the girlfriend was on a lif esupport the final descion would go to her parents whether or not the 'boyfriend' agreed with it or not if there was no legal document in place.
I hasten to add I'm not certain about that but I thing that proves there are a lot of myths and assumptions about being a 'common law' wife as it used to be known.

darlingdds2 · 04/04/2011 11:41

I think that they are right, technically you aren't an aunt. People are often confused with this with regard to inhertitance law. Marriage changes more than people realise in law.

Chrononaut · 04/04/2011 12:03

takes a deep breath and prepares for flaming

maybe they say not to call you an aunt, not because they disapprove of your relationship, but because its just incase you and dp should split up? im not saying you will btw.

Also some families dont really accept couples as having a solid relationship untill their married, SOME, not all. I mean, (i know im going to get screeched at for this, but its just an opinion) breaking up is alot easier than divorce so couples are seen as more likely to stay together by some people.

just a thought, now im going to hide from this thread whilst the flaming commences!

MizzyDizzy · 04/04/2011 12:05

My lot would be calling you Aunty by now.

With my own sister though she was always called Aunty but her partners were always called by their Christian names...as it was this was the right thing to do - as my eldest would have 'lost' half a dozen Uncles by now!

spatchcock · 04/04/2011 12:12

"maybe they say not to call you an aunt, not because they disapprove of your relationship, but because its just incase you and dp should split up? im not saying you will btw."

How is this different from a married 'aunt and uncle' splitting up?

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 04/04/2011 15:27

Thank you for all the concern regarding my marital status.

I am very well protected in law and not in the least disadvantaged by not being married. We have all the necessary legalities signed and in place should bad things happen. I am not and never have been financially dependent on him, nor he on me.

He would have married me yesterday. I don't wish to marry. Perhaps that view will change one day, I am young and open to new experiences, willing to hear any benefit that marriage would bring and consider it, but right now I consider it pointless.

I still want to be considered an aunt to my nephew and new niece. Those are not titles bestowed by marriage. And no I'm not willing to get married just so they will call me aunty, that would be ridiculous.

OP posts:
minipie · 04/04/2011 15:38

YANBU

However, I am sure the children do love you and consider you in the role of an aunt, even if they don't call you Auntie Scarlett. And it's surely the relationship that matters, not the title (as you presumably believe given your choice not to get married.)

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 04/04/2011 15:52

I know it's the relationship and not the title, but it is still petty, and there is the possibility that it could affect our relationship as I have been obviously singled out as different and even small children can pick up on that.

OP posts:
Journey · 04/04/2011 16:01

You want your cake and eat it. You're not married so you're not an aunty.

ShushBaby · 04/04/2011 16:16

Well said, MsScarlett! I might cut and paste your post of 15.27 and wear it on a T-shirt!

I'd really like to know why it seems to rub people up the wrong way that other people choose not to get married (I refer to your rellies and some of the posters here). It's like it actually ANNOYS them. Quite funny really, especially since I (who is unmarried) tend not to give a stuff about other people's marital status- or indeed to cast judgement when yet another married couple who've been together less time than me and DP split up. There I said it!

They are so BU. Although I have to say, we called all our aunties and uncles by their first names. But then my parents were right-on lentil weavers.

minipie · 04/04/2011 17:00

Yes I agree it is petty of them (after all what's the harm if their DC call you Auntie?) - it does seem like they have "views" about you not being married Hmm and are trying to use their DCs to get those across.

Have you said to them that you regard yourself as an aunt and really like being called Auntie Scarlett? Might make them feel a bit embarrassed at being so petty.

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