Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm their bloody aunt?

227 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Committed, but unmarried. Unlikely to marry. Don't wish to marry. We have a daughter of 4.5 years.

Partner's sister and her husband have together 8 years, married for 5. It's the second marriage for each party. They have a son of 2 years and newborn daughter.

We are very friendly and see each other at least once a week. We babysit for each other and our daughter calls them Aunty X and Uncle Z. I love my niece and nephew very much.

Their son is beginning to talk. He has been instructed to call us Uncle A and First Name. I am apparently 'not really an Aunty' because I am 'only a girlfriend'.

I'm hurt, to be honest. AIBU to think their children should call me Aunty Scarlett and not just Scarlett? We're the only unmarried partnership in the whole extended family and sometimes just feel so bloody misunderstood.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 04/04/2011 08:08

My DC don't call anyone aunty or uncle - not their blood relations or long-term friends. Not even my aunty and uncle.

I don't think any of the children I know use the terms aunty and uncle either.

It never occurred to me that this is a problem?

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 08:18

I agree they are being thoughtless and silly, and would bring it up with them.

It is your decision not to get married, and they should not question that. However, I hope you have got wills in place in case something should happen to either of you? It can be a legal nightmare regards bank accounts, property etc, if one party of the unmarried couple dies, as it wont automatically fall to the surviving partner unless there is something legal in place. Marriage offer both tax relief and legal protection. But I am sure you have been considering all this, and what measures to take to protect the family in its place?

ValiumSoltera · 04/04/2011 08:22

My neck is perfectly in place upahill. And I'm hardly the only one who thinks your views are harsh and pedantic.

It screams to me 'we got married! we went one better than you! and we have to remind you of that'. Really sad point-scoring.

FellatioNelson · 04/04/2011 08:23

How ridiculous. They are being extremely petty and you are right to feel hurt. But I agree with the post above - check with them that it is not a misguided attempt to appease you by being politically correct.

FellatioNelson · 04/04/2011 08:24

Sorry - not the post directly above, the one back a bit!

hocuspontas · 04/04/2011 08:25

WTF is this 'technically' business?

'Technically' even if you are married you are no more an 'aunt' to your dh's nieces and nephews than if you are not imo. He's the uncle and calls his sisters' or brothers' children nieces and nephews. The 'wife' has no blood ties to the children at all. As far as I can remember back neither of my parents called my cousins nieces and nephews unless they were blood related. As I said earlier - a courtesy title that's all.

FellatioNelson · 04/04/2011 08:26

but bigtilly in their family there obviously is a culture of using the names aunt and uncle, and the OP is being singled out by not being treated the same as her partner. I agree it doesn't matter whether you do or don't (mine don't) but what they are doing is mean.

purits · 04/04/2011 08:29

"It pissed me off that despite obviously being Dh's long term partner, our relationship wasn't legitimised to her until we were officially married."

PMSL. Well "durrrrrr" and all the rest.
If you are not married then the relationship isn't legitimate. End of.

Why do so many say that they refuse to get married but then demand all the extras that go with it? The world is not going to order itself according to your whims; you can't kick against societal norms and then complain that it's not fair when the rest of the world doesn't fit in with your view.Hmm

If the acceptance of the family is so important, OP, why are you refusing to marry into it? You want your cake and eat it.

ValiumSoltera · 04/04/2011 08:29

Exactly hocus, a wife isn't suddenly a blood relative.

Surely to all sane people the fact that their long term partners are brothers and the fact that their children are cousins and share grandparents, that's the relevant part. To some people though that's not what countS! it's the legality of it all!

stealthcat · 04/04/2011 08:31

technically you arent their aunt - I dont think that they are necessarily reducing the importance of your role in their DC's lives, just that you arent an 'aunt' becuase you arent either their sister or sister in law.
The children wont see you as any less important just because of the title that their parents give you (or dont).

yama · 04/04/2011 08:33

I was about to write the same HocusPontas. "Technically this, technically that ..." It's just a made up title.

YANBU. They are idiots.

ValiumSoltera · 04/04/2011 08:34

Actually Purits, I think 40% of births are now outside of marriage. Hardly the freakishly odd random whim* of some rebel who rejects the societal norm, because it is the new norm whether you like it or not. I'm not saying that's a good thing. My view is that you're better off getting married to protect yourself.

*Some of these parents later marry, but I wonder are there far fewer aunts and uncles than their used to be??? Hmm

NoWayNoHow · 04/04/2011 08:34

YADNBU - our closest friends are "aunty L" and "Uncle B" to our DS, and they're not even relatives!

Definitely speak up and explain that it's actually quite hurtful to be excluded like that when you consider them and your nieces/nephews your family. Explain that just because you're choosing not to marry doesn't mean there is any less of a lifelong commitment.

You may find that it's coming from that misguided place that if you're not married, it's easier for you to split up, and therefore they don't want their DCs to potentially get hurt. As I said, misguided, so you need to speak up...

stealthcat · 04/04/2011 08:41

Being called 'Aunt' isnt a measure of how much they love you. It is a description of a relationship that a lot of people (including the OP's family, obviously) think doesn't apply here.

upahill · 04/04/2011 08:43

I agree that you have an important role to play with their children and I also agree that you are more than just a casual girlfriend. But by definition you are not legally an aunty.

No matter what Valium says I do know what it is like because I was in the same situation albeit it for a mere 7 years and not 10. I never thought about it last night but DH was in the same position because of my sister having a son. None of us dreamed of calling him Uncle. None of us gave two hoots about a title but we enjoyed being part of a big (now sadly fractured ) family.

I gave my reasons last night my thoughts why I don't like it but hey! It's a free country they are my views.

I'm not some sort of purist who thinks people have to be married 'for the sake of the children'. I wasn't married when I had DS1.

upahill · 04/04/2011 08:46

Oh and just to add, like I said last night if they refered to you as 'just a girlfriend' I would be challenging that and saying something like ' he hasn't just picked me up you know.............. 'and take it from there.

If it was said like that and meant to hurt it wasn't nice.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 08:49

I agree with Purits:

"If the acceptance of the family is so important, OP, why are you refusing to marry into it? You want your cake and eat it."

I think this is the key actually. They are not calling you auntie because you have made it clear you dont want to be part of this family!
It is simple really!

bruffin · 04/04/2011 08:52

Agree with Quint and Purits.

poopnscoop · 04/04/2011 08:59

You are not an aunt as has been mentioned, as you are not married. HOWEVER, you've been around for 10 years for goodness sake and technicalities (imo) should have been wavered a long time ago. We also (South African) have a cultural thing where kids are automatically introduced to older people as 'Aunty so-and-so'.. as a sign of respect. So YANBU.

As to someone commenting 'Marriage is a state of mind'.... haha... I am married and it's SO much more than that - but then if you are not married, you'd think this possibly. I wouldn't wish to be a girlfriend for all the tea in china. I am an all or nothing kinda gal.

iskra · 04/04/2011 09:02

Well, my DD has one legal aunty & lots of completely unrelated - some of them are even unmarried women! - aunties. I think YADNBU. Utterly ridiculous that some posters are suggesting you are being unreasonable, in my opinion.

Gosh, I just realised that half of MY aunties aren't actually my aunties according to this thread, since they are not married to my uncle. Sod the years of love & interaction they have given me!

iskra · 04/04/2011 09:04

I disagree with Purits.

Marriage is not the only way of recognising or creating family.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/04/2011 09:04

But that is a cultural thing. When we stayed in India, I was auntie to all the neighbourhood children. I meant nothing special. Just older woman the same age as their mum, sort of. But I dont think this is the kind of auntie the Op has in mind.

tassisssss · 04/04/2011 09:08

How horrible of them. My kids call all sorts of people "Auntie" just because they're close family friends; of course you're their auntie.

ValiumSoltera · 04/04/2011 09:10

You're entitled to your views upahill. I'm entitled to mine without being told to 'wind my neck in'. Yes I disagree with you. Doesn't mean my neck is any more 'wound out' than yours is. Who's to say your neck isn't the one that's 'wound out'.

And to the OP, I'd say this. Do you really not want to get married? Or is it him? Even if you don't want the drama of a wedding, you should protect yourself. Are you well protected financially if you split? ARe you financially dependent on him? Or is your job the better job and is he a sahd? Do you have a joint mortgage?.

I learnt the hard way that if a man doesn't want to marry you then you definitely shouldn't make things easy for him by just agreeing to live together indefinitely. It is very hard on the woman when she is as committed as her married friends but judged for being less committed. And as you can see people don't just judge privately! they take this 'gift' of an opportunity to let you know how they feel by telling their children you're not their auntie! SO petty and smug you have to feel sorry for them. So, I'm pro marriage but anti rudeness and anti making petty points which serve no purpose but to hurt somebody.

stressheaderic · 04/04/2011 09:12

OP, I am in a similar situation and would be hurt and upset too by not being able to use the title auntie.
I have no wish to get married, for many reasons - cultural, religious, financial - but we have a child, a 30odd year mortgage and are very much committed!
Incidentally, my DP's bro and his partner have recently split up but I still refer to her as my SIL despite her not being connected to me in any way (she is my best friend), and their children still call me auntie.

Quite a bit of anti-marriage venom on this thread today.