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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm their bloody aunt?

227 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Committed, but unmarried. Unlikely to marry. Don't wish to marry. We have a daughter of 4.5 years.

Partner's sister and her husband have together 8 years, married for 5. It's the second marriage for each party. They have a son of 2 years and newborn daughter.

We are very friendly and see each other at least once a week. We babysit for each other and our daughter calls them Aunty X and Uncle Z. I love my niece and nephew very much.

Their son is beginning to talk. He has been instructed to call us Uncle A and First Name. I am apparently 'not really an Aunty' because I am 'only a girlfriend'.

I'm hurt, to be honest. AIBU to think their children should call me Aunty Scarlett and not just Scarlett? We're the only unmarried partnership in the whole extended family and sometimes just feel so bloody misunderstood.

OP posts:
ballstoit · 03/04/2011 21:46

YANBU.
One of my brothers is married, we see he and his wife about 3 times a year, she has children and grandchildren from a previous relationship and doesnt get invloved with my DC at all.
My other brother lives with his partner, and we see them at least once a week if not more. They both take a lot of interest in my DC, play with them, take them to the park and for sleepovers, help them with homework and reading books.

Both SILs get the 'Aunty' title (although I'd like the married one not to because she doesnt care about/do anything for/like my DC), the marriage certificate doesnt affect the reltionship IMO.

Gracie123 · 03/04/2011 21:47

If it is a genuine miscommunication, as some people are suggesting, referring to yourself as aunt Scarlett would clear that up too.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/04/2011 21:47

YANBU.

I would be miffed too.

We are married but we were together 8 years and had two of our children before we were. I have about 40 DN and DNeph and they all called me auntie after the first year of our relationship (pg with DD by then). Well the ones that were born then obviously Smile

It seems petty to exlude you in this way and I dont understand it. I agree with totally use it yourself in cards etc. Take ownership of your auntieness! Grin

MillsAndDoom · 03/04/2011 21:48

Oh and if you continue to refer to yourself as Aunty Scarlett then that is waht the DCs will call you.....until they get too old cool and drop it in favour of your first name only - BIL was in DS life for 7 years before he and DSIS got married - he was always known as "Uncle Martin" - however gradually he has come to be known as "Martin" by DS yet DD being younger still calls him "Uncle Martin"

catinthehat2 · 03/04/2011 21:49

My cousin asked to be called auntie by my DC as she has no other relatives of that generation and would not be an aunt otherwise - I was most happy to oblige, it's a well earned privilege.
Sounds like pure arsiness re the OP's rels.

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:51

I'm sure they know that I want to be an aunty, I refer to myself as Aunty Scarlett and sign cards that way. In fact I did very recently for my new niece's new baby card.

My DD calls them Aunty and Uncle.

With regards to the grandparent debate, I grew up with a grandparent and her new partner (my grandfather died before I was born) and just referred to him by his first name, it never seemed odd to us. He came into our lives when I was about 6 IIRC. But he was happy with that where I understand some of the older generation would not be.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 03/04/2011 21:56

I would just ignore it and keep putting Aunty and referring to yourself that way. Don't get drawn into any arguments-just do you own thing.
If you don't want to then you could do the opposite and DP drop the uncle.

purplepidjin · 03/04/2011 21:56

Back in my day (early eighties) people were either "Mrs Pidjin" or "Aunty Purple". I have an Aunty Katie who is not in the slightest bit related to me, but is my Mum's best friend - DP also calls her Aunty Katie! I am referred to as Aunty Purple to his niece and nephew and we've been together just over a year Shock

rustygate · 03/04/2011 21:57

Why do you want to be an aunty but not a wife?

Just wondering.

Gracie123 · 03/04/2011 22:04

You could also correct her DCs.

'Scarlett?'
'Aunty Scarlett?'
'Aunty Scarlett?'
'Yes, dear?'

If you can get DPs backing with this I'm sure kids would soon stick with it. Kids are always seeking adult approval. If you correct them gently every time they say your name, they will pick it up. Regardless of what their parents call you.
I call my mum 'mum' but DS always calls her grandma, because thats what she calls herself to him.
I always call my DH by first name. DS calls him daddy. He sometimes boasts to other people that his daddies name is 'first name' but he would never call him that to his face.

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 22:06

Same reason I want to be a mother but not a wife. Because I love the kids. And I think refusing to recognise my relationship with them in name just because of my marital status is as ridiculous as it would be if someone decided my daughter could no longer call me Mummy because I don't happen to be married to her father.

OP posts:
upahill · 03/04/2011 22:06

But you are not an aunt.
You are wanting the trimmings of being in a married relationship without being married.

Vallhala · 03/04/2011 22:06

How unkind and how hurtful.
I wonder what they'd do if a current aunt by marriage's union broke up and ended in divorce... suddenly tell the DC that they can no longer call her aunty because she's no longer married into the family? Hmm

twinkytonk · 03/04/2011 22:08

Dp and I are not married and we would both feel hurt and upset if that happened to us. They are our neices and nephew end of!

madrose · 03/04/2011 22:10

we have the opposite problem, SIL isn't married to partner, father to my dd's cousins - her children. As far as my DH, DD and myself he's my dd's uncle, but SIL doesn't think that he is and refers herself as aunty whatever, and he's whatever!!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 03/04/2011 22:10

Im the other way round, Im a happy 'wife' but i do not want to be called Auntie X, So my sis of course goes totally against this and writes auntie bloomin X in everything, she likes it. I repay her by writing X only (no auntie) in her stuff. All taken in (semi) jest!

I dont see the big deal really. Aunt is a title, for a sister of the childs parents. Or a woman married to the brother of the childs parents. So you are officially not an auntie.

upahill · 03/04/2011 22:10

I was in the same situation for many years.
Dh has lots of nephews and it was always uncle so and so and upahill.
When we got married I became aunty upahill to the younger kids.

I still bought them presents and enjoyed their company whether I was aunty upahill or not.

It never even crossed my mind to think about it because I wasn't their aunty.I was there uncles partner/girlfriend even though we had been together longer than the kids had been born.

saffy85 · 03/04/2011 22:11

YANBU and it sounds like they're making a point. Dunno why- maybe they have an issue with you not being married? God knows why- none of their business.

BeerTricksPotter · 03/04/2011 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

upahill · 03/04/2011 22:12

Beertix the Op would be a cousin because of the Op's DH is the uncle so that argument wouldn't hold up.

MavisEnderby · 03/04/2011 22:13

They are being very unreasonable Angry on your behalf.

When dp was alive we were unmarried (15 year rl).DBIL and DSIL are not married but have been together for ages.

They are wonderful enough to have ds to stay at theirs 2 nights per week which enables me to work.I feel very guilty about this.They are wonderful and I don't give a stuff that they aren't married.

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 22:13

How ridiculous upahill.

My DD calls many of my friends aunt and uncle. I have many 'aunts' and 'uncles' from my childhood who were no relation.

I don't want them to sign a legal paper giving me some status as aunt. (although ironically DP and I are the guardians of the children should anything happen to the parents) I just want them to call me Aunty. As per my role.

DP has a brother and two sisters, three married pairs, none have been together or lived together as long as we have, and we are the youngest pair. DD is the oldest child between the lot of them. Every one of them is 'aunty' or 'uncle' and to single me out is hurtful.

OP posts:
hocuspontas · 03/04/2011 22:13

lol at marriage 'trimmings'!

WTF has marriage got to do with Aunt/Uncle tags? You'll be telling me next that your dcs can only be 'half-cousins' if their parents aren't married. Courtesy titles are just that - courteous.

hecate · 03/04/2011 22:15

Well, in so far as you are not the wife of their uncle, you are not their aunt. legally you are their uncle's partner. That does not give you the legal title 'aunt'.

But they're making that silly, outdated 'point', imo, as some sort of punishment / moral judgypants on you not being married.

In your shoes, I wouldn't pussy foot around. I'd tell them straight. after 10 years and a child, you deserve the title aunt, regardless your marital status.

MoonGirl1981 · 03/04/2011 22:15

I've encountered this.

We're not married and sometimes if I mention my MIL or SIL I'll get told by some interfering numpty that they're not my MIL and SIL because we're not married.

Oh, will they ever naff off.

Marriage is a state of mind, the commitment is what's important! Plenty of married people are far less comitted to each other than myself and my partner.

They sound incredibly rude. How on earth do you put up with it.

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