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AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!


OP posts:
BecauseImWoeufIt · 12/04/2011 11:05

Chill? This another person you're talking about here though.

Think what you like about people but think hard before you post those thoughts.

MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 11:07

It was one comment on a long thread, which you have taken out of context and decided means that Quattro is a drama queen. Which is far from the truth.

Quattro is always a very reasoned poster. I enjoy her posts because she is not one to jump in and start berating the OP, but offers sound and sensible advice.

Innishvickillaune · 12/04/2011 11:29

You are being ridiculous. Quattro herself recognised I was hypothesising, said it didn't apply and moved on. It's highly amusing to talk about a simple hypotheitical being so hurtful to a 'real person' on... AIBU! Let it go. You are flogging a dead horse. It wasn't a comment, as I said, but don't let that stop your groupie comments. Interesting the reaction to my post when there were other far more pointed comments, no?

BecauseImWoeufIt · 12/04/2011 11:41

Of course there were a lot of pointed comments. This is, as you quite rightly point out, AIBU. However, no-one else saw fit to extrapolate what was on this thread into making assumptions about Quattro.

And - 'groupie' Confused?

MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 11:50

I have never been a groupie before. Think I will be a hippy-type.

Innishvickillaune · 12/04/2011 11:52

Well, she seemed confident enough in herself to realise I'd got the wrong end of the stick and leave it, but somehow others feel the need to make a big argument out of a question in her defence, when clearly no defence is necessary. I don't know any of you or the sky over you but it seems you're just a teency bit bored and making a mountain out of a molehill at this stage. It's an online forum. Sometimes people misread things. Untwist your knickers.

MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 11:55

My knickers (would I wear knickers, as a groupie? I think not) are untwisted. When it was pointed out to you, you could have just replies, "Sorry, no offence intended. It was the impression I got", rather than the deeply patronising "chill".

Innishvickillaune · 12/04/2011 12:09

Ah, the mandatory MN induction in what one could say. Which is not at all patronising.

If the OP had seemed offended or upset, I might have done. However, I don't feel the need to apologize to others who are offended or upset on behalf of someone who clearly brushed it off with nary a second thought, as any reasonable adult would do if they didn't agree with the comment of an anonymous cyberfairy. It seems bizarre to continue to discuss the unfairness of one post to the OP when she had already responded.

OP, if I offended you with my question, I am sorry. The rest of you will find your knickers at the OP's feet if you haven't been unable to locate them for purposes of untwisting.

scottishmummy · 12/04/2011 12:54

quattro-nail.head.moment. yes you should have told him,and you still can, instead of procrastinating and ohh and ahh about how you felt and gosh what a burden to you.

you could just bite bullet and tell him. everything
her disclosure,your dilemma, and subsequent dialogue and email with her
unlikely he will take your call, so you may need to email him.not ideal but gets job done.

beesimo · 12/04/2011 13:00


'The truth will set you free' but its got to be the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

spidookly · 12/04/2011 13:59

I can see why Innish took that meaning.

I wondered too whether that what was meant, and was surprised by the accusation because it is pretty much the opposite of how I perceive Quattro in general.

At this point I don't think you should say anything more. Whatever is happening now is happening. I think you need to just leave it to play out.

I don't think the flaming was so much for the action, or inaction, but for the solipsism.

Quattrocento · 12/04/2011 18:31

Solipsism is a perfectly respectable branch of philosophy, y'know.

I think we're done, aren't we? I'll update if anything happens, but it probably won't, or not for a few months anyway.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 12/04/2011 18:41

stop being so self pitying quattro,no flames.plenty poor you (from you mainly)
no i dont think you been flamed, mildly prodded perhaps,but flamed no

senua · 12/04/2011 18:51

This is bizarre. Your friend has stopped taking your calls. The friendship you have been worriting over seems to have gone down the pan and you just shrug your shoulders and say "c'est la vie".Confused

I don't understand. If it was me I would be in there making sure that the friend knew the truth, not the girlfriend's twisted, slandering version of it. And you still haven't told us how you are going to explain all this to your DH.

spidookly · 12/04/2011 18:53

Lol @ a much derided and problematic philosophical position being a "respectable branch".

But sure, if being unable to conceive of anything as not being entirely about yourself seems respectable to you I guess there's nobody else in your world to disagree.

legalalien · 12/04/2011 19:04

I'd interpret friend not returning calls as the two of them having a relationship crisis and trying to work it out - bunker mentality. If it had all gone pear shaped he would be answering the calls I suspect. They probably need time on their own.

There's no right answer. I would probably have told friend; but then again,at one point I suspected a friend's DW and didn't report my suspicions (which were very flimsy and based on her attitude and the clothing she was wearing to supposed weekend work events. Turned out she had been having an affair for 18 months.)

stay out of it and await requests for support or advice.

SlightlyJaded · 12/04/2011 19:15

Quattro have followed this thread and just wanted to add my voice to those saying the flaming is unfair.

It was/is a hideous position to be in and you took a course of action that you deemed a compromise between doing nothing and telling him directly. I think it is probably a similar course of action to that which I would have ended up taking.

All those saying 'it's not about you' are wrong actually. This thread is all about you and your predicament. We are all in agreement that the GF is in the wrong and should not have a) cheated and b) compromised you. Beyond that, the dilemma was all about you and how you deal with this information. You were upset/anxious/angry, you posted for advice, you were given advice, you considered advice, you took advice. It is about you and your level of intervention.

Hope your friend comes back to you some day some how.

chipmonkey · 12/04/2011 19:52
Ormirian · 12/04/2011 20:04

Bloody hell!

You been boiling kittens alive? Or beheading children?

The only justification for all this impotent rage

animula · 12/04/2011 20:13

Ormirian - I think you missed the post where Quattro confessed to having broken into the homes of several posters, and left their dogs/cats/hamsters/whatever nailed by the ears to the skirting board, and the message "Quattro woz ere, LOL" shaved into their fur (in the case of the hamsters, this was done, painstakingly, with nail scissors).

I am Angry that you have clearly not read the whole thread!!

scottishmummy · 12/04/2011 20:18

oh pipe down all the poor quattro being flamed to a crisp.nothing of sort.and hasnt been put off posting or somesuch

BecauseImWoeufIt · 12/04/2011 23:13

LOL a lot at animula Grin

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