AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

[Quattrocento]

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!

AIBU?

[scottishmummy]

confide it in someone who will tell him,chose a friend colleague of his who upon hearing this will disclose it to him.seeing you cant face doing it

[Onetoomanycornettos]

Ragwort, so you chose to keep the unfaithful partner, but get rid of the friends who 'betrayed' you by not telling! So, they paid the price of his unfaithfulness, he didn't!

See, that's what I always feel about these situations, the OP didn't betray anyone and she will probably end up losing the friendship because if she does tell they will hate her and if she doesn't tell they will hate her.

Most people rather blame the messenger than their unfaithful partners who make shit choices. I personally would be happy to lose a friend who thought I was the most badly behaved person in this situation by not leaping forward to interfere in their relationship and then forgave the person who was unfaithful and not me!!!

[Ragwort]

Onetoomany - yes, that is a good point you have made and is actually something I have been thinking about since posting this morning.

I probably posted hastily this morning I didn't 'get rid' of the friend in a malicious or nasty way but the friendship sort of drifted (have to say she was equally embarrassed and let it drift as well - we still actually see each other ocasionally and have a 'polite' friendship). We were probably never as close friends as the OP and her friend in this situation (which makes it even harder for me to understand why she won't thell him). The relationship was 'saved' (at the time) because of a lot of in-depth counselling between my partner and myself. (Note: the affair was not 'forgiven' but I was able to deal with it). Perhaps if my friend and I had had the same counselling our friendship could have survived - I found it very hard that a friend had just stood by and said nothing whilst this affair had gone on just because she was 'embarrassed' to say anything presumably or felt it was not her business.

That is why I would tell someone if their partner was having an affair - yes, I know a lot of people 'blame the messenger' but I feel that by saying nothing you are being complicit in condoning the affair.

[Quattrocento]

I absolutely agree that being told put me in a no-win position

Which is why people just shouldn't tell other people this sort of stuff.

[scottishmummy]

but it isnt all about you? or is it

you do seem to have moved to a specific not my problem stance,most different from your op

how did indignant ire amd fuming op result in you are torn and the put upon party

[bumpsoon]

Oh for goodness sake message me with his work details and i will bloody tell him , you can act all shocked and dismayed ,and he can make choices regarding his life based on all the facts .

[bumpsoon]

I have recently done a NHS 'breaking bad news' course ,which im sure will help me impart the facts to him with just the right amount of tact and sympathy

[scottishmummy]

stop all the handwringing.tell someone who will tell him

this frees you from your will i wont i morality and manners dilemma, and facilitates someone with conviction to do the job

are you really going to let him leave job,get a boarding pass and fly off with the loose knickered girlfriend?

[spidookly]

This thread should be called: I just found out my friend is being betrayed in the cruellest way, how terrible for me

That you are concerned with what "win" you get out of a situation with such devastating consequences for someone you call a friend is chilling.

The shit thing is happening. Better a friend knowing than nobody other than thd bastards who are doing it.

Keeping a secret that a friend is being fucked over is a betrayal. You are now complicit.

[ongakgak]

Quattrocento Sun 10-Apr-11 22:35:59
I absolutely agree that being told put me in a no-win position
Which is why people just shouldn't tell other people this sort of stuff.

Me-itus is a terrible affliction i hope you feel better soon

You have been put in a terrible position and I feel for you, I think we have all been there in varying degrees. You still need to bite the bullet and say something.

Good Luck, it wont be easy, but it is the right thing to do.

[TheGrimSweeper]

Is this still going on
Quattro you need to find a way to tell him before he resigns from his job. The worst case scenarios are -

a. You tell him, he gets well and truly pissed off, there is much fall out and he buggers off to NZ with cheating wench of a GF where they live happily ever after, never to speak to you or your DH again. You look like a meddling cow to some, but at least you're left feeling that you did the right thing for the right reasons - you can look yourself in the mirror.

b. You don't tell him, he leaves his dream job, goes off to NZ with cheating GF where she continues to cheat on him with his BF and others. His life becomes miserable there, he ends up coming back but can't get his career back to what it was. He ends up suffering depression and all sorts, all very sad. Meanwhile, he has been told you knew, asks you how you could let him ruin his life without warning him. Much fall out, everyone thinks you're a spineless cow with no loyalty to friends. You live with much regret for not having the guts to do what is really very simple....

You choose.

[SarfEasticated]

I still think you need to speak to your DH about it, he may feel able to tell him, or might help you decide to do it. I don't think you owe your philandering 'friend' confidentiality. It makes me feel quite sick to think of your friend being treated this way.

[QuickLookBusy]

Quattro just put yourself in this situation for one moment.....You are about to resign from a job you love, to leave all your friends and family,to go and live half way around the world for a DP who is shagging your best friend.

I know you have been put in a terrible situation, but nowhere near as bad as the poor man who is about to make huge, life changing decisions.

Don't you see, if this couple were staying put here, carrying on with their lives here, I could understand your position. The fact this poor man is about to change his whole life means you really have a duty to inform him so he can make decisions whilst having all the facts about his "d"p.

[Ragwort]

Quattro - if your friend finds out and asks you 'did you know about the affair?' - what are you going to answer?

If your friend knew that your DH was having an affair and didn't tell you, what would you think?

[CalamityKate]

Tell your husband, who will hopefully tell the consultant.

[Quattrocento]

Well I'm a bit at the charges of selfishness and spinelessness

But given that it appears neither of them are talking to me now (not returning either calls or emails) I do not think that I am actually in a position to do anything.

I'm hoping this means that she has told him. Really hoping that's the case. Don't mind if they are cross with me for precipitating that.

[FAB5]

Why are they both not talking to you as you only told her to tell him? Maybe she told him you knew and made her tell him. .

[blueshoes]

Quattro, you say the big deal is moving to NZ.

On that basis, could you do just one more email to that GF. Say that you will keep her confidence. But she must persuade your friend not to move to NZ with her, not just yet. You don't care what excuse she tells him, but she must not disrupt his life here whilst she is fooling around.

If you continue to hear concrete plans for moving, then you may very well have to tell her shagger friend or even your friend.

[Quattrocento]

The fact that he is not talking to me means it's absolutely clear that some discussion has happened. He always used to call or email by return

Now I wonder what it was she actually said to him?

[animula]

Poor old you, Quattorcento. I agree with MaryZ: you were on a losing side the second she told you. Classic strategy to divide you and your friend: there was absolutely no way to handle that safely. She was outrageous telling you.

You did your best. It wasn't fair. Hope he comes round and you don't lose a friend over the long-term.

[tiredfeet]

quattro must be hard wondering what she has said to him. I think you have done what you could. I think you did the right thing. I don't understand some of the nastiness directed at you on this thread, its the girlfriend that's cheating on him and asking him to move across the world for her! Terrible that you got caught up in it and I think how you dealt with it was the right way. I hope and expect that he will come back to you given time, if he is such a long standing friend.

[scottishmummy]

oh yes poor ole you op how burdensome for you?

my god this isnt about you or the high social ouch factor youre experiencing. you could and should have handled this better by you directly undertaking the disclosure. from a friend to a friend. the tippy the round the houses route means you left it to the shagger girlfriend.with no check or balance on what she may or may not have said. or how she portrayed your involvement or the events

[NoWayNoHow]

quattro, don't forget, if this GF has been stupid enough to feed lies to your friend rather than just coming clean (something along the lines of "quattro's been really quite unpleasant to me recently saying such horrible things, she'll probably start telling you lies about me soon"), then you always have those emails.

For now, if he's not returning your calls, there's not much you can do. However, if he does get in touch with you and sounds fine (i.e. if he's not returning your calls simply because he's actually rather busy and hasn't got round to it yet) then I still think you should tell him.

Look at the situation now - you are wondering what she's saying, wondering what he thinks, what could she be feeding him, is the move still going ahead, etc, etc. The only way to move forward and avoid all these guessing games is to tell him. Try something like this:

• you hate to be the one to tell him this, but his GF is/has been cheating on him.
  
• you only know because she told you, and you emailed her to give her the opportunity to come clean (casually mention you still have those so there's no room for doubting your story) but she unfortunately did take it.
  
• because he's such a good friend, you've been to-ing and fro-ing about whether you should (a) tell him and unfortunately as a result really hurt him, or (b) spare his feelings but watch him uproot his life.
  
• ultimately, you decided that even if it puts your own friendship with him at risk, he deserved to know all the facts of the situation before making such a life changing decision.

[FAB5]

Maybe she has said something bad about you and he is pissed off with you. All this could have been avoided if you had just given her until the next day to tell him and then you told him when she didn't.