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AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!


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Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:58

If I don't tell him, he'll hate me. If I do tell him, he'll hate me. This is a no-win position for me. My instincts are all against telling him though, Hecate. They might have a more open relationship than I thought they were having, for instance. D'you see? Nothing worse than unwarranted intervention.

This emigration thing is preying on my mind though.

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NessyBay · 03/04/2011 15:59

This happened to my DH. A friend told him...their friendship is now over. He just didn't want to know and did not want to be implicated.

hecate · 03/04/2011 16:01

If it was an open relationship, she wouldn't have confided an affair to you, would she? She wouldn't be keeping it a secret from him.

I suppose you could just tell her how angry you are that she has put you in this position and how disgusted you are with her that she is willing to let him uproot himself under these circumstances and hope she does the right thing.

violethill · 03/04/2011 16:01

I think you must talk to her then.

Say that you're really concerned about what she told you, and that you're worried about him emigrating without knowing the truth of what's going on.

She may open up and admit that she's got doubts.

She may say that there relationship is on a different footing than you thought.

She may feel awful because she admitted it in a moment of madness.

But whatever the reason, it at least puts the ball back in her court, and she'll be aware that you're not just going to ignore what she told you

Itsjustafleshwound · 03/04/2011 16:02

It is a sh*t position she has put you in and whatever you decide to do (because you cannot ignore it) there are no winners.

If he is planning to give up so much for her, it does make me feel that there has to be some ultimatum - she has to tell him.

violethill · 03/04/2011 16:02

their relationship!

GORGEOUSX · 03/04/2011 16:02

Quattro If you have a heart to heart with her, I reckon she will lie and tell you that she's going to finish the affair (she won't of course).

I think you should tell her that she's put you in an unforgivable position, and you can't sit back and watch him ruin his life and that she must tell him, otherwise you will.

I'll also bet, that if you did that, she would tearfully tell him that the affair is over, and then carry on anyway; and if he's smitten he'll believe her because that's what he wants to believe. Good luck.

lalalonglegs · 03/04/2011 16:03

At the risk of making even more people complicit, could you discuss it with your husband/partner who also knows them and see what he thinks would be the right thing to do? As he knows their characters/set-up, he might be able to give you a more informed idea of what to do even if that is nothing.

Like others, if they weren't going to New Zealand, I would say leave it and keep away for a while but that move does really complicate that strategy.

valiumredhead · 03/04/2011 16:06

I would say NOTHING. She has involved you in this but you don't actually have to DO anything. Make it clear you want no part of it and leave them to it.

BecauseImWorthIt · 03/04/2011 16:07

What a bitch!

And how absolutely unforgiveable of her to tell you.

I think the only thing you can do is to talk to her - or write/e-mail, if it's easier for you - saying what a difficult/horrible position she has put you in.

Especially because he is about to give up something so important to accommodate one of her wishes.

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 16:13

I do like the idea of emailing her better than actually talking to her

Much easier for me.

There are a couple of social plans lined up over the next three months. One in particular is making me cringe. This involves a holiday cottage for five days, with me, DH, friend and girlfriend, and friend's best friend. This is going to be swiftly cancelled, I think.

Honestly HOW DARE SHE!!

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BecauseImWorthIt · 03/04/2011 16:15

How do people like this
a) think it's reasonable to burden their friends with this kind of information
b) sleep at night

And I would definitely be cancelling the holiday!

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 16:18

We literally only had five minutes alone together. She couldn't wait to tell me. Including far far too much information. My reactions are normally quite quick but I just sat there, mouth agape and said NOTHING. i think I was in shock.

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ashamedandconfused · 03/04/2011 16:19

quattro "If I don't tell him, he'll hate me. If I do tell him, he'll hate me. "

the difference in my experience is, that if you tell him, yes he will hate you because people do lash out at the messenger, but one day he will thank you , truly he will. (he may already have his doubts and suspicions he has been trying to turn a blind eye to)

If however, you DON'T tell him, and he finds out you knew, he will never be able to forgive you.

I am astounded so many people think you should say nothing, and a little statistical analysis of how peoples opinions differ and whether they have been a cheat/cheated on/told by a well meaning friend....would be interesting, IMO

give her an ultimatum - tell him or you will

ashamedandconfused · 03/04/2011 16:22

OMG the holiday makes it worse, but think - if you pull out, will that mean the 3 of them still go?

tell the poor sod asap, they are playing him for a fool good and proper Sad

any chance you/DP can talk to the bestfriend and get him to see sense and end it??

RumourOfAHurricane · 03/04/2011 16:27

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Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 16:33

I like the say nowt suggestion much better than the talking to her suggestion, and I simply can't do the telling him suggestion

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StillSquiffy · 03/04/2011 16:35

God, No, don't tell him.

Horrible situation. I like the idea of an email, telling her that she had no right to put you in this position, that he has been your friend long before you knew her and that you are furious that you have been given this information and now have to deal with it. And I'd also say that she needs to decide and act very quickly - either this affair ends now, or she tells him before he cuts all his ties to follow her round the World.

I'd also cc the 'best friend' she's sleeping with as well.

RumourOfAHurricane · 03/04/2011 16:35

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/04/2011 16:42

Well it's not an open relationship is it? If it was, you'd have said so in your first post and it's a comforting bargain you possibly made after you were shocked by posters urging you to do something. If this man is a dear friend (I also love the word chum, incidentally Smile) then you won't sit back and let him make life-changing plans all the while you've got information that could change them and save him from ruin.

E mail her and tell her that she's got a fortnight to tell him what's been going on, or you will intervene yourself. You must add in that E mail that she has placed you in an intolerable position and that it was selfish of her. It's entirely possible that she was hoping you'd do the deed for her, as I can hardly imagine that she thought you'd greet her news with good cheer? Call her bluff then - and try to force her into taking responsibility for her own ghastly behaviour.

Finally, put yourself in your male friend's position. How would you feel if a good friend sat back and let you risk your sexual health and your entire career and future, by maintaining code of silence, all for some flawed libertarian cause?

Honeybee79 · 03/04/2011 16:48

Yanbu. What a horrible, horrible position to be in.

Your friend needs to know what's going on but I don't think it should be up to you to tell him. You need to have serious words with his girlfriend and she either needs to stop the affair right now or end the relationship with your friend.

If she refuses then I think you need to speak to him and tell him that his girlfriend has put you in a terrible position, you feel utterly compromised and he needs to get home and have a serious chat with her. That way he knows it's something serious but you basically leave it to her to fess up.

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 16:57

WWIFN - that's a wise post

I think I was bargaining myself out of doing anything at all. Because I don't want to do anything. I really don't. This friend of ours, he's a gem, though. The most I can possibly bring myself to do is talk to (or email) her.

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Skinit · 03/04/2011 17:04

Of course it's your place to tell him! He's your friend..will you let him move away abroad with lying cheat?

WereOffToSeeTheWizard · 03/04/2011 17:08

The thing is Quattro it's not all about you.
It's his life she's fucking with and I am amazed that you could just watch that happen and say nothing.
Have a bloody heart and tell him or make her tell him.

FABsBackAndIsWell · 03/04/2011 17:14

Won't he hate you more if he discovers you knew and said nothing?

She is being unfair to him and unfair to you. I don't get why she thought it was okay to tell you seeing as you are long term friends of his. Maybe she thought you would enjoy the gossip all girls together Hmm.

You can't stay quiet. You have to find a way to tell him.

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