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AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!


OP posts:
BaronessOrczy · 08/04/2011 09:45

Quattro, I think this so called friend of yours is not a friend at all. Go back to your original post and outrage - hell, I'm outraged on your behalf!

Tell him. If it was you, what would you want your good friend to do?

She's put you in an awful position. But she's put herself in a worse one. And I agree that by telling you she is hoping against hope that you will be doing something about it to resolve the situation.

Tell him. She's the one who has lied and deceived - don't lower yourself to her level.

koekje · 08/04/2011 10:21

I almost feel superfluous but you HAVE TO tell him.

She's the lying cheating cow and he WILL find out in the end, you have the chance to limit the damage NOW.

And tell your DH who's probably wondering what the hell's happened to his holiday...

TheGrimSweeper · 08/04/2011 13:45

You've given her the opportunity to redeem herself, and she hasn't. What with the relocation/career situation, I can't believe you're considering not telling him. To allow a friend to lose a career they love in a web of deceit is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Quattrocento · 08/04/2011 17:14

I know it's frustrating that I'm seemingly not taking on board any advice

But I have done more than my instincts allowed and honestly can't tell him

I'm sorry for being a bit irritating on this subject, but thank you all very much for your advice and sympathy and everything

OP posts:
FAB5 · 08/04/2011 17:15

Why can't you tell him?

Quattrocento · 08/04/2011 17:20

Because he's quite a private person - he would hate that I know about this. And actually, I think he might already know, or half-know. He's quite empathetic and intuitive and just hate the interference. I'm of a live and let live disposition (and so is he) so interfering like this is something that's just too much for me. It might be a youth/fling, age/maturity trade-off for all I know. And clomping in with well-meaning intervention is just not for me.

OP posts:
muffet76 · 08/04/2011 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AxisofEvil · 08/04/2011 18:01

Well up to you Quattro but I'm quite a private person and would be unhappy with a friend knowing if DH was having an affair. But not a fraction as unhappy as finding out friends knew and didn't tell me.

Maryz · 08/04/2011 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoWayNoHow · 08/04/2011 18:42

quattro you seem intent on justifying your actions (or lack thereof) with platitudes about him being private, already knowing (utter nonsense) and interfering.

In terms of you constantly referencing how much you don't like interfering, let me just clarify something to you.

Interfering is gossiping about your friend's GF behind her back with other friends, or telling your friend you don't think she's good enough, but without backing it up with anything, or dropping hints about her character (generally being a bit of a moo)

Interfering is not telling a good friend that his GF is shagging his BEST MATE before he packs up his whole world and moves across the world.

I'm a private person too - I don't tell a soul about the intimate details of my relationship with DH, not even my sister/best friend. If I found out that my friend knew my DH was having an affair and didn't tell me, I'd cut them dead.

If you've not got the guts to do what is blatantly obviously the right thing, be prepared for that to happen to you.

bristolcities · 08/04/2011 18:50

I have been in this situation. Told the cheater he had to tell his girlfriend or I would. I'm not sure if i really would have but he told her and then thanked me. He was so pleased someone had made him come clean.

How will you react to being around both of them at the same time? Or will you avoid them and risk loosing him as a friend because of something his girlfriend has done?

Fab123 · 08/04/2011 19:05

Ultimately it is up to you, but with friends like these... I do start to feel a bit sorry for this poor guy. Seems no one wants to do the decent thing where he is concerned.

I'd always worry that if the same happened to me I would know someone would tell me and not carry on acting the fool. If the shoe were on the other foot and people knew about your DP and a friend of yours, wouldn't you feel mortified thinking everyone had kept quiet merely because "you are a private person"?

Up to you dear, but you did ask for our advice on here.

scottishmummy · 08/04/2011 19:58

interfering is telling him what to do with the information.imposing a pov. it is up to him to decide what he does with this disclosure

you cannot bear how this makes you feel whether it is etiquette,manners,doing right thing i dont know. but his problem has diminished, as you think it all over,and the emphasis now is how you are affected

re-read your 1st few posts,you were not procrastinating then.or considering his live and let live disposition.or suspecting he kinda knew. your position has changed from how will this affect him,to how will this affect you

FAB5 · 09/04/2011 07:39

Just to say I am the original loopy FAB and am not Fab123.

SugarPasteFrog · 09/04/2011 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarExpat · 09/04/2011 12:50

Quattro could you write him an anonymous letter telling him? He wouldn't know it's you and would then have the info to do with as he pleases.

beesimo · 09/04/2011 13:48

NEVER send a anoymous letter to anybody it is a disgusting cowardly thing to do, they will do their head in trying to work out who sent it and why, it is a very wrong/cruel thing to do to anyone.

Just ring him and spit it out OP before it 'chokes' you.

Quattrocento · 09/04/2011 13:56

The odd thing is, an old (and given that I am 44, we're talking donkey's years) school-friend is also having an affair. But I don't feel awkward about that at all - she was my friend first and foremost, I was her bridesmaid and she mine. Understand why she is confiding in me, understand better why she is doing this (there are lots of oddities about her marriage, including her DH insisting that if she wanted children she would be solely responsible, and she is) and don't remotely feel conflicted. This despite having known and quite liked her husband for years.

This instance is uncomfortable for a number of different reasons. And no, I am not going to start sending anonymous letters, just can't do that, somehow.

OP posts:
Georgimama · 09/04/2011 14:05

You can't tell him. You just can't. I think the cheated on partner often suspects something and may be hoping it will blow over (which it may well do, if they are planning to up sticks). If you tell him - what if she denies it? Point blank denies it - and he believes her?

In fact, exactly what Xenia said. Put it this way, I hope to God it never happens but I would not want someone to tell me my husband was having an affair.

And anonymous letters are foul and nasty things. If you send either of them one they may even involve the police and then where will things lead?

Georgimama · 09/04/2011 14:16

Put it this way, I have known of at least two female friends' affairs at the time they were going on. I could have said something to their partners, some may say I should have done, but I didn't. And those people have now been married for 10 plus years each and have four children between them.

Also I can't see why you feel so censorious towards the blabber mouth younger girlfriend but not towards your female friend. Both are equally reprehensible imo.

StarExpat · 09/04/2011 14:17

Blush sorry. I just remember reading on another thread that someone had found out about her dh's affair by an anonymous letter and was so grateful. She said she was so happy someone had done it.

I'm not a nasty, horrible person. I just lifted the idea from another poster who had success with it, first hand.

Quattrocento · 09/04/2011 14:20

It was an idea that I hadn't thought of - and thank you for posting it.

Yes Georgi, I don't know why I feel censorious about the younger friend. i think it's because she isn't a proper friend IYSWIM. With the older friend my loyalties are clear and unequivocal. With this pair, my loyalties are divided a bit, but skewed towards him. And then of course I realised that for me it wasn't an issue of principle, but an issue of loyalty and how much is owed to whom

OP posts:
StarExpat · 09/04/2011 14:21

Also I think you, more than anyone on here knows what is best and you should trust your instincts.

Personally, I would want someone to tell me if they knew my dh was having an affair. I wouldn't want to be with him of he had and I'd feel a fool if a friend knew and I didn't.
I wouldn't want to share my life with a cheat or liar, either.

But this situation may well be different.

FAB5 · 09/04/2011 14:56

Just remember that you might chose to stay silent but if it all comes out the cheater could drop you right in it and say you knew along...

princessparty · 09/04/2011 15:00

It will come back to bite you on teh bottom big style!

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