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AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!


OP posts:
Xales · 07/04/2011 18:46

Yes Tondelayo

Doesn't have the guts. IE the balls to tell someone face to face the really nasty hard thing that their partner who they are considering moving to the other side of the world with and give up their dream job is cheating.

Because it takes a lot of guts to tell someone that their partner is cheating, it is a bloody hard thing to do because a lot of time it is a case of shoot the messenger. If it were an easy thing to do then Quattro would just have done it and shrugged it off.

If Quattro doesn't want to she can take a much easier option and just send the string of emails.

I wasn't insulting Quattro, telling her she was a bad person or any of it was her fault. Simply stating that it is a bloody hard thing to do but IMO the right thing to do.

Her friend should have kept her mouth shut but she couldn't as much as she couldn't keep her legs shut and now she has the nerve to play the pity me I made a promise please dont tell card. Her friend is more concerned about the guy she cheated with being betrayed than the person she is meant to be in a relationship with.

And I would have doubts about how good a friend someone was if they didn't tell me. It doesn't make them a bad friend just much less of a friend than I considered them.

SugarPasteFrog · 07/04/2011 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 07/04/2011 20:12

didnt say op is bad guy,am saying her solution is inadequate and dose not address her actual op and yes she remains complicit in deceiving him,as she has bumped the responsibility over ti the cheating gf

op ended on "And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!"

she remains complicit eg knows a relevant piece of information eg gf is a shagger. this remains directly unchallenged,as op has not told her friend,she has emailed the gf instead and cancelled joint holiday. so the main protagonist,gf shagger is left to disclose.hmmmm how likely is that then?

op has procrastinated and allowed manners/etiquette whatever to make it a non direct solution.upshot is op remains complicit and her friend is still likely unaware. the solution chosen is a non solution

if direct dialogue is too stressful,then forward the sent email.not ideal but makes friend aware

Quattrocento · 07/04/2011 22:46

Hang on, doesn't the responsibility actually lie with the GF? I think so, anyway.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 07/04/2011 22:51

Quottro, I am sorry but I think your exchange with the cheating girlfriend has made your more complicit than you were before. You will now be seen to conspire WITH her, against your friend, unless you actually say something. Not the outcome you were hoping for, but that is how your chum will see it if he ever finds out you knew. Do you want to take the risk of him finding out through other sources? Like if the girlfriend decides to casually mention "oh, but quattro, she knew, we have been talking about it together, and I have been confiding in her. She agreed to keep it a secret".

scottishmummy · 07/04/2011 22:53

so why have you ummed and ahhed and sought opinions,giving running commentary of she said, you said.if it was all so clear cut that in your opinion gf do the right thing and tell

you asked for opinions,and overwhelming response was that you should tell him

now what will you do when he asks why arent you joining us on hols.why did you cancel

senua · 07/04/2011 22:54

Yes. The responsibility lies with the girlfriend. Or the "best" friend.
But what if they don't confess? What then?

Happymm · 07/04/2011 23:02

Unfortunately the gf is never going to tell him, the onus is on you OP, but if you feel that you can shoulder the responsibility for your friend to give up his beloved and hard earned career, family, home and friends, based on a flawed relationship, just because you haven't the couage to say anything then so be it. Good on you. And sleep well.

Mumcentreplus · 07/04/2011 23:04

YANBU about being upset but if you want an opinion...if he was a good friend of mine I would tell him..yes it's hard and he may hate you..but tbh a good and loving friend would understand why you had to tell him...I would be straight...give her the oppotunity to tell him herself..if she didn't...then I would

scottishmummy · 07/04/2011 23:10

you are prioritising your lack of candour over his need to scale of things you will suffer embarrassment and angst about telling
he faces giving up career,move to nz,building a false life

this isnt about you,op.but you have allowed your inability to decisively act to make it more about you,how you feel than a friend need to know some harrowing news

up to him what he does with the news,but you are complicit by not revalling

piprabbit · 07/04/2011 23:19

This is a really shitty situation - poor Quattro.

I think you need to tell your friend as soon as you can, otherwise you are going to be seen to be colluding with the GF both by your friend and your DH if/when it all comes out (you haven't said how your DH would react to this betrayal of an old friend both by GF and by your silence).

Perhaps you should run it by your DH first - he may have some insights to add.

Mumcentreplus · 07/04/2011 23:24

I agree scottish..completely..but its hard if someone will not listen or you think the news would destroy that person...

my mum has a friend whos husband is gay or at least sleeps with other men..they have 3 grown children together..she knows this as a fact..but cannot even approach this truth with her friend (she tried in the past)...I suppose it depends on your personality your friends personality... and the type of friendship you have...

pingu2209 · 07/04/2011 23:36

His best friend isn't your dh/dp is it?!!!!

cerealqueen · 07/04/2011 23:46

These things all come out in the end, what goes around comes around. Somebody else will know, will have seen them, one of them will say something out of turn. It will come out that you knew and said nothing. Not just an affair, but an affair with his best friend. They will both be congratulating each other that they got away with it. He doesn't deserve either of them in his life, that is the bottom line. Not surprising she wants to go to the other side of the world.

Fab123 · 07/04/2011 23:54

I had a similar situation but it was a friend of mine cheating on her husband. She'd been flirting shamelessly with all of my male friends and then at a party I caught her in the spare room with another male friend she had only met 20mins before. She laughed it off but they were clearly being intimate (I could see :( ) and he even laughed about it later on the same night. She swore me to secrecy and, as her friend and knowing she was going through a little bit of a rough patch with her hubby, I agreed. Little did I know she was also seeing another guy who would pop over to their house (!) and they would go for "long walks". She confided in me (again when drunk) that she had been seeing him for months and knew he was in love with her. Again I agreed to stay quiet, although I was now feeling quite sorry for her husband. She even used to ask me to meet her in town and then take a call from him about 15mins after meeting me and act surprised that this other guy was in town too - such a coincidence - at the same time! This happened twice and the second time I just left her to it. It really annoyed me and I told her that she would ruin her marriage this way on several occasions. Anyway - long story short - it went on for months and then I heard from my then partner that she had propositioned him when drunk. I secretly wasn't that surprised but found no harm as my ex found her quite hideous and we had a bit of a (bitchy!) giggle about it. Then in October it happened again...but this time with the father of my child. It was the second time they had met and she offered him sexual favours when they were alone and she was sober!
So, upon hearing this I was livid. I managed to keep it in for about a week (they now live quite far away) but ended up confronting her about it via email. Shockingly she said that "she had to do something to compete" Shock as my partner had been saying about what great sex we had Blush. She seemed to think this was perfectly acceptable. I flipped and decided that the time had come to tell her husband (was 10 weeks pg at the time, so looking back hormones probably weren't helping with rationale) which I did via email.. I didn't go into much detail but just named a few of the people and said that I had seen things that I wouldn't go into. He didn't seem to believe me, but to be honest, he'd have had to be pretty slow to not know it was going on for nearly 3 years. Needless to say I'm not friends with them any more (thankfully) and feel very free of the whole situation. It isn't fun being used as a go-between, keeping secrets from partners when you actually disapprove of what is going on, let alone when she starts turning to your man.

Basically I'd get it off your chest. I know only too well that bottling it up does more harm than good. I resented her for a long time and even found myself backing her husband in their domestic issues purely because I thought he should be cut slack. Gradually I realised she wasn't being a friend to me at all and the last act proved that. I only wish I had spoken up sooner and maybe she would have stopped and at the very least not hit on two of my partners! If he doesn't believe you then more fool him. He may fall out with you for a while, but ultimately he'll know in the long run you did him a favour.

Quattrocento · 08/04/2011 00:49

No, our friend's best friend is not my DH. In fact DH doesn't particularly like them (I did) and I haven't told my DH purely and simply because he wouldn't want to know. Rather like me in fact. It's at times like this I truly value my DH. Wish I could tell him, but he'd go ballistic.

OP posts:
Fab123 · 08/04/2011 00:53

Sorry for the long post earlier - just struck a chord :-<br />
Quattro why don't you tell yr DH then? Surely he would be upset if he knew you weren't telling him? Don't let this spill over into your relationship. Besides he might help you decide what, if anything, to do.

piprabbit · 08/04/2011 00:57

Why would your DH go ballistic? Because you know about the affair? Because you are gossiping about the affair? Because the GF is a trollop? Because his friend will be hurt? Because he thinks you should both keep out of it?

What reason have you given your DH for cancelling the holiday? Have you begun lying to him about it?

Bluebell44 · 08/04/2011 01:15

Quattro you aren't responding to the huge amount of people who think you have now got yourself into an even worse situation and that you should tell your friend.

He is your friend, he deserves to know about such an important situation.

Either she tells him or you do. You just have to.

QuintessentialShadows · 08/04/2011 07:06

Why dont you approach your friend the following way:

"Peter", you know we have cancelled our weekend trip to the cottage. Samantha was supposed to tell you about it. Did she?"
"I see, I was rather hoping she had. I cancelled after she told me something very awkward about you, herself and your friend John/one of your close friends. Ask her about it, as it is possibly better if it is coming from Samantha herself"

Or something.

QuintessentialShadows · 08/04/2011 07:14

Look Quattro, you have to do this. You need to get your priorities straight, protect your mate or protect the cheater.

I was in a similar quandry to you when my best friends fiance suggested me and him have an affair. He arranged to meet me in coffee shop, sober as daylight, 30 minutes before his fiance was due to arrive (he misled ups both regards the real time) to propose to me that we become lovers. As the 4 of us was so close, it would be really easy for me and him to conduct an affair, as my dh and my friend would never suspect.

I had to tell my friend. We are still best friends. She and the shitbag opf course broke up. She is now married to a lovely lovely man. Shitbag has since been married twice and left two families behind. Now he is living it up as a Dj in Europe.

Quuuaaaaattro - this is reason speaking to you. TELL YOUR FRIEND.

FAB5 · 08/04/2011 07:59

Op - you are making a decision about your friends relationship when it isn't really your business. This will come out eventually and you could end up losing a friend as well as pissing off your dh who may well wonder what else you have kept from him. You must tell your friend imo.

plupedantic · 08/04/2011 09:06

Quattro, this is a very horrible situation for you, and is in no way your fault, but, as people are pointing out, it could get worse (if DH/friend/other friends found out you knew).

She put you in this situiation, and you are right to be angry about it. But doesn't that anger make you want to set things right?

PfftTheMagicDragon · 08/04/2011 09:26

Quattro, you have to tell him.

He might already know. But all that will come of this is that he will see what a good friend you are. Maybe he does know, but not the full extent.

When it all comes out (because it will) it will also come out that you knew (because the woman will have no loyalty to you).

It depends on what you would rather deal with? Telling him and possibly breaking his heart, or having him find out that you knew and thinking you are a terrible friend for keeping it a secret?

He will feel that people are laughing at him. His girlfriend and his best mate behind his back? And a good friend knew about it? While he was making plans to change his life to move across the world for her?

Maryz · 08/04/2011 09:43

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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