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AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!


OP posts:
BecauseImWoeufIt · 09/04/2011 16:15

In your exchange of e-mails, Quattro, what did you ask of her? Did you ask her to end the affair/tell her DP? And did you say that you would tell her DP she didn't act as you had asked?

If you did, then I reckon you don't have to anything at the moment - but you need to know that she has done as you asked/she agreed.

If she hasn't, then you need to decide what your next move will be ...

spidookly · 09/04/2011 17:36

Your reaction to finding out something dreadful about your friend's life was to be upset at how knowing would affect you.

You weren't upset that what you had found out was true, just that you knew about it.

So you don't care about your friends being treated well, just that you shouldn't have to deal with any inconvenience.

On that basis what you have done is entirely consistent.

You are selfish and want an easy life. This guy's shit life will play out thousands of miles away, so why upset yourself over any of it?

Georgimama · 09/04/2011 17:42

Don't hold back spidoolky, you say what you think.


StillSquiffy · 09/04/2011 18:15

Oooh, get you spidookly, bullying your way round cyberspace.

Quattro, there's tons of advice, lots of supposition and lots of rubbernecking going on in this thread. Hope you've taken what you can from it.

spidookly · 09/04/2011 18:50

I was just summarising the OP's position as it stands. It's hardly contoversial, she pretty much said the same thing herself.

spidookly · 09/04/2011 18:53

Lol @ rubbernecking

if you're against that, you're against mumsnet

Oblomov · 09/04/2011 19:00

I think spidookly makes some very valid points.
OP = I am so shocked she told me.
Later posts, I have done more than I think.
There seems to be very little concern for the consultant here.

Georgimama · 09/04/2011 20:07

I think her concern for her friend is obvious, otherwise she wouldn't be angry about being made complicit in his girlfriend deceiving him. If she didn't think there was anything wrong about that, she wouldn't be bothered that the girlfriend has over shared, would she?

Quattrocento · 09/04/2011 22:07

BIWI I didn't issue an ultimatum but it was clear how I felt and she said that she would tell him.

For me the big deal is the moving to NZ.

OP posts:
chickbean · 09/04/2011 22:24

If he knows/they have an open relationship/etc. surely she would be saying "I'd hate him to know that you know" rather than "I don't want him to know". Did you get a sense of whether this was the case?

Can you ask her to let you know when she has told him, as he needs to know before he makes the decision to hand in his notice/move to NZ? If it's likely to change his decision, then he needs to know in time to make the decision. If he knows already and is okay with it, then her talking to him about it shouldn't make any difference (she doesn't have to say that you know).

Quattrocento · 09/04/2011 22:32

I'm sure that she thinks he doesn't know

Whether that is the case or not, I'm not sure. I mean he knows which way is up, the boot has been on the other foot previously (in other relationships) which would sort of make you wise up a bit

But maybe he really has no inkling at all.

OP posts:
Happymm · 09/04/2011 22:37

for me the big deal is the moving to NZ Well FFS DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT instead of wringing your hands here and doing nothing!

ongakgak · 09/04/2011 22:45

op you should start another thread and ask the world of MN if they were your chum in the situation would they want you to tell them. I bet my last bean pretty much everyone would.

Jeeez, grow a pair! You are being a coward, and somehow towing a line of silence in the name of non-interfering morals and honour. Messed up ethics if ever I heard any.

princessparty · 09/04/2011 22:50

If you tell, they will both end up hating you, really.

ongakgak · 09/04/2011 22:52

princess that is an action motivated by selfishness.

Happymm · 10/04/2011 09:35

So true ongakgak!

FAB5 · 10/04/2011 09:40

Surely it is better to lose a friend through trying to do the right thing than by staying silent.

Ragwort · 10/04/2011 09:46

Please tell him. I was once the 'innocent' party in this sort of situation and the thought that 'friends' knew about the affair yet were happy to 'hide' it from me was horrible. When I asked someone later why they hadn't told me they just squirmed their way out of it - it is not the way a true friend behaves - I didn't keep their friendship as I realised they had not been true friends to me - ironically the relationship did survive after we went to counselling. Smile.

susansocks · 10/04/2011 09:54

can i ask, having not thread entire thread.
that best friend will not be giong to new zealand too?

so it will be just the 2 of them?

susansocks · 10/04/2011 09:55

perhaps that is why he is keen to emmigrate?

FurCoatNoNickname · 10/04/2011 10:07



Why are you still fannying about?
I've been there. I left it too late. I lost a dear friend 12 years ago because I didn't have the guts to tell her.
I still miss her.

susansocks · 10/04/2011 10:22

you may well have lost the friend either way.

do what you think best quattro.

QuickLookBusy · 10/04/2011 10:23

So your friend resigns from his dream job to emmigrate with a girlfriend who clearly doesn't love him?

And you will allow this to happen?? I think you need to get your head out of the sand.

Could you really stand by and let your friend make life changing decisions, without all the facts. I can't believe any real friend would do this.

FurCoatNoNickname · 10/04/2011 13:53

susan but at least I would always know I did the right thing. My lack of action haunts me to this day.

scottishmummy · 10/04/2011 20:17

op attitudinal shift from outrage,to not my business is really quite crass self preservation. shame it all boils down to that.that the avoidance of a social scene and discomfort trumps his need to know

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