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AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!


OP posts:
clam · 11/04/2011 21:27

Oh dear! I wonder what on earth she has said to him. Trouble is, it's highly unlikely to be that you've been trying to be the good guy.
Leave it a day or two, try again (to contact him, not her. She should be history as far as you're concerned) and then, assuming he does know about the affair, tell him your side of the story, even if he doesn't want to hear it.
Then give him time to flounce off and cogitate on it, before turning up to make friends again and thank you.

Fab123 · 11/04/2011 21:52

Well, now you'll never know what she has told him and about how compliant she may have made you out to be. Sorry to say it but if you had told him yourself when she had had a chance to talk and hadn't you would know what the situation was and have been able to put your point across (as in, you didn't really want to know but the silly bint blurted it out when drunk and you've been grappling with what to do since). Unfortunately even if you were to try to email/message him about what you knew (perhaps saying something like, "if you need to talk about it I'm here for you, I didn't really want to get involved but it is a horrid situation") he will probably think you have been laughing at him with her behind his back.

Best stay out of it now I think, unless you actually DO care about the friendship Hmm which I don't think was really that important to you in the first place, as you can't turn back time and have done the decent thing.

Quattrocento · 11/04/2011 22:09

Equally of course, if I had said nothing at all to her, and just carried on as normal, no-one would have batted an eyelid ...

You're absolutely right about leaving well alone, I think. Either one or both of them comes round, or they don't. Nothing more to be done.

OP posts:
Happymm · 11/04/2011 22:55

As usual Quattro, opt out of doing anything FFS Hmm

NoWayNoHow · 11/04/2011 23:01

MMark my words, this will all end in tears and you'll look back and wish you'd done the right thing from the start. Saying "nothing to be done" doesn't make it so. Truly a proverbial ostrich.

scottishmummy · 11/04/2011 23:09

but you havent done anything.havent been decisive.have not handled this well at all

chipmonkey · 11/04/2011 23:47

Quattro, could you forward on her and your emails to him?

spidookly · 12/04/2011 08:09

You care about whether she comes around?

sparkle12mar08 · 12/04/2011 08:30

You know full well that you've brought whatever 'trouble' this causes upon yourself, don't you? You should have either kept your mouth shut altogether or told him outright. And for the final time, THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU for gods sake!

I think you'd be better of not posting about this anymore tbh. Go and reflect on whether you think you really have been a good friend. Take a long look in the mirror, beacuse if you can do that and look your self in the eye without flinching then I'll be stunned.

Quattrocento · 12/04/2011 09:19

I do agree that I should either have told him, or not said anything at all.

I also agree with you also that I shouldn't post any further about it.

Not entirely sure I deserve the rancour on here. Is it really common currency to go barging into other people's private lives?

OP posts:
MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 09:26

Not sure why you are getting a flaming, Quattro.

I think that this was going to blow up, no matter what you did. You chose a less confrontational plan of action than some posters advised, but that was your decision.

What has happened between the two of them is now their business. You have done your duty as a friend, and brought it into the open. If (as it seems since neither are answering you) he now knows about the affair, then it is up to him to decide what happens next.

I don't think it is unusual to worry about how this will affect your life, and your friendships.

Onetoomanycornettos · 12/04/2011 09:33

I also think you have been unfairly flamed, and my bet is that if you had told, the fall-out would have been just as bad.

Sorry to say these things are always messy, but leaping in within a day to 'tell' on someone having an affair isn't what I'd do, so you are not alone.

sparkle12mar08 · 12/04/2011 09:40

Yes the fall out would likely have been equally as bad, but she'd HAVE DONE THE RIGHT THING! Her supposed best friend is about to move to the other side of the world with a cheating tart, and she knows some critical information that would influence this hugest of decisions. I can understand exactly why people are losing patience...

AyeRobot · 12/04/2011 09:41

Quattro, sorry that it all seems to have gone pear-shaped, although that was somewhat inevitable given that she seems to have only a loose connection to honesty.

What would you have done if you had seen the woman and the best friend snogging in the street and neither knew that you had seen them?

Maryz · 12/04/2011 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 12/04/2011 09:48

Some people are being ridiculously harsh.

"take a long look in the mirror"

REALLY? Get some perspective people. Quattro was in a fuck-awful position here. Maybe she didn't do the right thing straight away, but none of this shit heap is her fault. Someone put her in a terrible place, by giving her this information and she didn't know what to do for the best.

We can all think she should have said something straight away, but to say that she shouldn't be able to look at herself without flinching is more than a trifle over the top.

MollieO · 12/04/2011 09:50

The GF could have said all sorts about you. If I'd confided you in you and had your reaction I would be doing everything I could to cover my arse. Top of this would be destroying your credibility and your friendship with him. That way if you do tell him it will simply fit in the scenario I'd created and you wouldn't be believed.

It is probably too late to say something now if your suspicions are correct. All you can do is support him.

If it hadn't been too late (and I'd seen this thread a week ago) I would have asked you if you could live with the consequences of doing nothing- him moving to NZ giving up his career and life here and then having to return to the UK and rebuild his life, all the time knowing you could have probably prevented it. If you didn't want to tell him then you could have told your dh and let him deal with it. This man is your friend first and foremost not his GF so I would have felt no loyalty towards her (which your silence could be interpreted as).

chipmonkey · 12/04/2011 10:07

Quattro, I really don't think you deserve the kicking you have got here. The GF is the one who is in the wrong, not you. I think faced with the same situation, most people would not know what to do.

blueshoes · 12/04/2011 10:21

Don't feel bad. You were never going to win the first round, quattro. No man in love will believe his friend over his GF, even if you got in first.

If your friend is private as you say he is, I agree with your approach to sit tight for now. You have to wait for the scales to fall from his eyes first, before you are going to even get a word in. Intervening even more may embarrass him so much there might be no turning back.

Give her a long enough leash and she will surely hang herself. Your friendship with him means you will wait for that moment and longer. Supporting him is more important than clearing your name.

Innishvickillaune · 12/04/2011 10:40

I think that Quattro may be getting a kicking because she has form for reporting Big Crises that Something Must be Done About and then... doing nothing?

I am not here long, just reading between the lines.

Quattrocento · 12/04/2011 10:45

No previous on that score, thanks :) Life relatively free (touch wood) of big crises. Probably now tempting fate for half a dozen to come round the corner.

OP posts:
BecauseImWoeufIt · 12/04/2011 10:50

WTF, Innish? If you haven't been here long, don't read between the lines because you're bound to get the wrong end of the stick.

Innishvickillaune · 12/04/2011 10:53

Well, it was a question. It seemed that way from the "FFS" comments about doing nothing.

MmeSurvivedLent · 12/04/2011 10:55

I have been here long, and I absolutely do not know where you got that idea. That is not my impression of Quattro at all. Very unfair to make that kind of comment without any evidence to back it up.

Innishvickillaune · 12/04/2011 10:58

It wasn't a comment it was a question judging on some of the comments made up thread e.g.
"As usual Quattro, opt out of doing anything FFS"

I don't think it's unfair, on an anonymous forum, to read into what other posters are reading and hypothesise that there's a reason for the aggression that's been directed.


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