How not to get a job

[beanlet]

Having just advertised a (very) part time admin post I have been inundated by emails from people who have not read the ad properly, and it's taking up most of my working day answering them. Please, people:

If the advertisement says apply using the application form, don't email me your CV; that doesn't constitute applying, and I won't read it.

There's a reason I didn't attach my phone number to the advertisement; don't expect me to be available to talk to you on the telephone.

For god's sake don't send me an email with a naff graphic across the bottom of a hipster crowd-surfing; it gives me the impression you're a waster.

If the adrvertisement says high level of literacy required, don't send me an email in txt spk.

It's usually a good idea not to irritate your potential boss at the first interaction by sending a series of emails that indicate you can't read a basic form and require your potential boss to download something for you that you could easily find yourself.

(rant over)

Any more gems?

Don't bother putting the full address of your primary school on your CV, while summarising your only, 10-year-long job as "Worked at X". I had no idea even whether she made the tea there or was managing director!

Research the company and the job description. Link both in your answers.

Link your hobbies to the job specification.

Imagine the interview in advance and prepare answers. Research likely questions i.e. what are your strengths?
Why would you like to work here?
what skills do you think you can offer?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
What would your friends say about you?
What are your weaknesses?
Can you tell us how you would deal with an irrate customer/phonecall?
What would you do if you got stuck with something?
How would you deal with a colleage/subordinate that was messing up?
What would you do if you were having trouble meeting a deadline?

When you answer the questions try not to answer hypothetically. I.e don't answer 'I would do x', answer 'well, when I was working at y, I did this. I learnt that, and through my experience would probably do y'.

If you are stumped and can't provide an experience to back you, THEN you can say 'I would do x' but abolutely don't lie about anything.

So, in terms of the example before where the interviewee is asked if they read a certain journal, you would answer. 'No, but I have always taken an interest in my work outside of the office and I would hope to read such relevant literature.

Then in the questions at the end you can bring it up again and say 'Is there a scheme for having access to said journals, or will I be expected to buy my own?'

Oh and book loads of interviews for jobs that you don't want but are similar because a) You'll get a feel and practise at answering the types of questions and b)you might find you change your mind and do like the job after all.

I once got a job that I was desperate for although I didn't realise until the interview that it was my kind of place with my kind of people. I thought it was just another job interview in the list of people who were dismissing me and I turned up quite hung over and complacent.

Turns out they loved me as I oozed confidence as I had 'been there, done that' with all the answers and they just spilled out of my mouth 2nd nature with no nervousness.

When you're applying for a job as a copywriter, make sure you can actually structure a grammatically correct sentence. And when I tell you that, sorry, you haven't got the job, do not ring me up and aggressively challenge my decision.

Just because my christian name is not English, don't assume I'm a man because I hold a managerial position - google it, you'll soon find out which gender it applies to!

Don't proceed to then:

• change my gender to male
• change my christian name into a male English christian name
• change my surname into something hilariously unappropriate

at lambzig - was that all one person? That would have been an instance when I would have taken great delight in providing DETAILED feedback on why she (? I assume because of the hair twiddling) didn't get the job. In fact I'd probably be tempted to send an enticing-sounding invitation to coffee to discuss the role. and then bring her crashing down. (after making her wait while you chat to the receptionist...)

[ahem. I wouldn't really. am far too professional. just in case anyone who might want to emply me in the future is reading...]

Don't forget to pick the car up from the garage the day before an early evening, leaving you with only a battered and temperamental motorbike for transport.
Top marks for remembering you have no sense of direction but if you're going to write out the directions and tape them to the tank so you can read where you're going, make them waterproof.
Don't get lost, rock up 20 mins late, panic, dither over where to park and in your moment of indecision catch the wheel on a low wall thereby launching yourself sideways into a 'burglar deterrent' prickle bush.
Don't experiment with your swear word vocabulary at this point as you'll probably be under the open window of the interview room.
Even though you have most of the hedge in your hair, do still change into your interview suit, don't think 'ah, fuck it' and walk in looking like Worzel Gummidge.

Actually, I got the job so maybe this is exactly what you should do :o
Don't

Oops, stray 'don't' at the end there...

Wow thanks starlight lots to think about there! :)

If there is a job description or person specification take each 'competency' and try to find two examples of why you are 'competent'.

If there is no job description, google the job title and see if you can find another similar job that does have a job description and use that to work from.

SM you know this thread is about what not to do, don't you :o

Oh yes, we once interviewed a guy with "attitude" when I called to tell him he didn't have the job, he said in a pissed off voice "Don't suppose there's any chance of some FEEDBACK??"
Yes, right there - that's why you didn't get the job

Oh yeah, well don't be abusive or arrogant to the receptionist when you arrive, they may well be asked their opinion of you.

ooh yes good one
We had someone do tht before - not an interviewee, someone wanting to sell us somthing

just remembered my boss sent them a snotty email about it :o

When asked tell us about yourself don't start with your primary education.
If you do so and the chief interviewer says "Is that really relevant?" don't say "yes" and carry on.

When having an interview as a maths teacher don't make arithmetical errors. (You can't have 98% of 25 people)

I am in dispair reading this. All those people doing things like that yet I cannot get another job. Only get an interview about 3% of the time and usually make such a bad impression I don't even get a reply.

When the interviewer says tell us a bit about yourself, what sort of things do they want to know?

How do I manage to leave my degree off my CV when it then leaves 16 years unexplainable.

How do you actually answer the why do you want this job question, when the real reason is I'm desperate?

Haha, when I was working in the Gay Quarter (as it was known) in Birmingham, we had a bloke come into O'Neills, ask for an application, then when he handed it in, he asked, "This isn't in the poofs part of town, is it?" I'm pretty sure the boss (who WAS gay) put the form straight in the bin.

Sympathies from me xstitch :(

I know I'll be fine once I get a job. It is just getting one that is a soul destroying process!

Makes me sad when I get really crappy service in a shop or wherever and I think WTF, how did they get a job AND keep it and I don't even get a chance?!

Maybe I'm just not likeable enough to employ.

I find myself thinking that a lot freudian.

Initially just looking for professional jobs but can't afford to be picky anymore. Losing out on some jobs as being over qualified hence trying to pretend no degree.

starlight.. Oh yeah, well don't be abusive or arrogant to the receptionist when you arrive, they may well be asked their opinion of you.

Spot on!

I'm a receptionist and this is exactly what happens in our office.

Don't write "I am looking for a job in accountancy/finance/marketing/London" when the job you are applying for is none of these things.