How not to get a job

[beanlet]

Having just advertised a (very) part time admin post I have been inundated by emails from people who have not read the ad properly, and it's taking up most of my working day answering them. Please, people:

If the advertisement says apply using the application form, don't email me your CV; that doesn't constitute applying, and I won't read it.

There's a reason I didn't attach my phone number to the advertisement; don't expect me to be available to talk to you on the telephone.

For god's sake don't send me an email with a naff graphic across the bottom of a hipster crowd-surfing; it gives me the impression you're a waster.

If the adrvertisement says high level of literacy required, don't send me an email in txt spk.

It's usually a good idea not to irritate your potential boss at the first interaction by sending a series of emails that indicate you can't read a basic form and require your potential boss to download something for you that you could easily find yourself.

(rant over)

Any more gems?

Don't send me a CV listing volunteering for organisation that considers the industry in which you are applying for a job (the drinks industry in this case) to be the manifestation of evil as one of your current hobbies

Don't address your covering letter to a competing firm, and state how much you would love to work for 'Notmyfirm and Co.'

Do not put as your contact email address [email protected] or any email address other than [email protected].

someone sent in a letter enquiring about the vaccine instead of the vacancy

Yeah! Job seeking cunts.
They should be ashamed at taking up so much of your precious time.

No, it's careless Job seeking cunts I believe.

Who would've thought you'd need to apply common sense to get a job?

If you are applying for a job as my deputy, don't, when asked if you have any questions, ask how soon I am likely to be moving on from my current role.

If they really wanted the job, they'd take more care over the application.
I used to proof-read and check a lot of job applications when I was teaching in an economically-deprived area. The peole wanted the jobs and felt that a teacher would be literate enough to help them apply properly.

Sticky keys!
people

Well some of these must have been successful because in my local high street - the girl serving in the sweetshop has no knowledge of English currency.

• the girl serving at the cash desk at the cinema when asked about the job advert she was sticking to the window, had no idea what a CV was

and the girl stocking shelves in Superdrug thought foot cream and hand cream were the same thing.

Don't you just despair sometimes, or at least wonder....

Don't make up qualifications.
I can check if you are actually a Chartered Engineer in seconds. And do.

I work in a nursery, and we had an application come through for lunch time help, why would he/she be suited for this job they listed:

• i like children
• i need money

Cookie love - now that sounds honest, and to the point. Employ them.

And make sure that words that can be spelt several ways but mean different things are spelt correctly in the context of your application.

My dad used to bin CVs that talked about "Driving license" rather than "Driving licence".

Well it was years ago, and we did not

Don't slouch in the chair, chewing gum and fiddling with your hair. You'll be interviewed in 30 seconds flat and then on your way.

Please ensure that you have washed relatively recently on the run up to interview day.

Anti-dandruff shampoo is not that expensive.

Invest in a suit. Tracksuits, baseball cap and trainers just shout 'chav' and you will not get a job ever.

Learn to speak coherently.

This is from when I was assistant manager in a toy shop.

"When asked how you would deal with a specific problem that may arise in the job (during interview) don't say 'I would ask you'. The question is designed to see if you have initiative - you obviously don't!"
Sometimes that question is designed to check that people won't overstep their responsibility and experience. Fine if the answer should be obvious, but sometimes it is right to check with a superior.
I'd say don't wear casual clothing, even if it will be acceptable if you get the job in the end. Be smart, if you're broke then charity shops are your friend.

An applicant for a well paid, professional job at my DP's company stated in his cv that he had spent a year trying to be a professional poker player. Another submitted a half page cv with hardly any detail.

You don't need to tell me about your children, and husband, and their names, and ages, and what they study at uni. It doesnt make you capable of operating a photocopier.

Don't reply to obvious female name Dear Mr ....

Dh just got a job and his newboss said out of 97 applicants he was the only one who talked about his experience in that area( and his was only as a hobby!)

I once had a (good) CV through and the contact email at the top was 'madhamsterlady@...' which made me smile.

Also one from a German guy who, in the personal details section, stated he was 'having a relationship with a child' (instead of married with one child) which must surely be the worst translation mistake ever.

Genuine statements I've read in application forms. All for a pretty well paid local gov't finance job. Typos are reproduced exactly, as I was shortlisting while posting to my blog, so had a happy hour copying the best entries.

"Having had many years in an accounts field, my numerate skills are excelent. working in administration, my literate skills are also excelent." Errrm, no, they're not.

"Proficeient in the use of Microsoft packages including Lotus Notes, Outlook, Loutus Notes..." Ignoring the fact that Lotus Notes isn't a Microsoft package, do you spend all your time on the email?

"I think that as i work in a similar sort of enviroment at the moment it would not take long for me to pick up on how things work there and also should not require a great deal of training either. As most of the requirments listed on the employee specification, I am more or less doing them now in my present job, so i should be well aware of the standards of work required." This was their whole personal statement.

"I work daily"... I hope so too.

"I am good with money and I like people". Again, this was their entire statement.

Oddly, we didn't interview any of these people.

Might I also point out another problem is spell checkers on the PC, things may have been alright until they hit that button and it all turned into yank English.

When asked if you have any questions, don't ask "so what bus route are you on?"

I ask for an application form for a reason (so I can compare candidates from a level playing field. Don't just send the blank form back with your CV stapled to toe back!