How not to get a job

[beanlet]

Having just advertised a (very) part time admin post I have been inundated by emails from people who have not read the ad properly, and it's taking up most of my working day answering them. Please, people:

If the advertisement says apply using the application form, don't email me your CV; that doesn't constitute applying, and I won't read it.

There's a reason I didn't attach my phone number to the advertisement; don't expect me to be available to talk to you on the telephone.

For god's sake don't send me an email with a naff graphic across the bottom of a hipster crowd-surfing; it gives me the impression you're a waster.

If the adrvertisement says high level of literacy required, don't send me an email in txt spk.

It's usually a good idea not to irritate your potential boss at the first interaction by sending a series of emails that indicate you can't read a basic form and require your potential boss to download something for you that you could easily find yourself.

(rant over)

Any more gems?

Xenia you ask a good question. From my limited experience I have seen the following:

A man with severe learning difficulties being told to apply for admin jobs but protesting he can't read/write very well.

Being told to apply for a job where Arabic was a "highly desirable skill" when the person spoke no Arabic.

Being told to apply for full time jobs when caring commitments meant the applicant could only do part time and being told to put in a covering letter that you can't do the full time hours they want.

Being told to apply for jobs where the applicant has no previous experience when previous experience is clearly a stated essential requirement because some of the core skills are similar to jobs the applicant has done.

Being told to send in CVs speculatively "on the off chance they have a vacancy about to come up".

Demanding an applicant "networks" (or pester by phone) with their former colleagues to see if there are any jobs going. This is despite the applicant having been made redundant from the organisation they worked for for 8 years and due to clauses in the redundancy contract (which they have seen and copied) not allowing them to work in any capacity for their former employer for the next 6 months.

Instructing applicants to take their (unsolicited) CV in directly to local offices/branches of national or multinationals they want to apply to. Even if that is not how anyone bar the most junior staff are recruited in the industry and it's wholly inappropriate to hand a CV to a junior member of staff when you applying for managerial jobs.

When asked at interview what specific part of your job motivates you, don't reply "Nothing, I'm pretty miserable at the moment"

Don't day you want this job "because it's 9-5 and will allow me to spend more time with my husband" (I suspect the husband actually completed the form on her behalf!)

When applying to the NHS don't talk about how your skills will help "our business to be profitable"

actually - ignore that last one - screw the mental health patients, there are hip replacements to churn out!

Xenia - I completely agree, that is why I always liked application forms.
I can assess the candidate's handwriting (a lot of instructions/results from tests have to be handwritten so needed to ensure candidates could write legibly) and also their ability to follow instructions (the application form the company I worked for had at the top "please complete in full in black or blue ink". I would reject any application that said "see CV" all over it - they clearly were filled in by someone who is lazy/ignored the instructions.
Now I have terrible handwriting, but I always took time and care to fill in any form so that it could be read clearly.

It is frustrating for job seekers and employers that the Job Centre forces people to apply for unsuitable jobs. I remember going to the job centre when I was graduating from Uni and them trying to get me to apply for shift work in the middle of absolute no-where, miles and miles from where I was living, when I didn't even have a driving license, let alone a car!

I used to work in recruitment doing retained searches for renewable energy jobs in Germany. If the advert reads 'Engineering degree and German speaker essential' PLEASE do not apply if you do not speak German, don't have a degree (oh but years of vital experience, piss off) and are not eligible to work in the EU

• don't make me fly to Germany to interview you for a senior role and then answer all of my questions with one sentence. then, when asked to expand your answer, respond with "i feel i have fully answered the question". shortest interview ever.

• don't take out a notebook and spend the entire time we spend describing the role and company to you flicking through it. then, when asked what questions you have for us, don't spend an etttterrrnittty looking through it to find the questions you wrote last night. and read them all to us, regardless of whether we already answered them during the interview.

and for interviewers: don't ask the candidate, "this is a white male [country name] culture company. how do you feel you will fit in with us? i made some non-committal answer and rang the recruiter afterwards to say HELL NO to the job, but i always wish i'd replied: "actually i decided in the first 5 minutes of the interview that i hate you". as that was the truth. i thought his HR person was going to burst into tears, she looked so miserable.

Just the job centre trying to go through the motions and wasting people's times although some of those such as asking around, contacting people you k now to see if they have a job can be worth it. I know a few of my daughters' friends have got jobs because someone mentioned to them there was a job going at XYZ where the other friend worked. So I don't think that is a bad recommendation.

Also leaving off exam grades doesn't help - it means I am not very clever and messed up by GCSEs.

I dont want people's old school exam results at all.

It all comes down to context. In some industries you know people across the industry. In others they are very organisation centred and mixing with the competition is not on so you just might not have contacts elsewhere.

I think the trouble with the job centre is that the staff aren't equipped to deal with anything above junior/menial roles. Their support for professionals being made redundant is poor so they give blanket instructions without thinking: does this make sense? Will it just piss off the recruiter? Will this get the applicant a bad name? Does doing this make the applicant look stupid/ignorant/arrogant/like they have no judgement?

I can also remember a poor woman exasperatedly explaining to the woman at the desk that there was quite a bit of difference between Director of marketing, her former role, and marketing assistant and that if she started applying for those jobs she would lose her career and her mortgage insurance would stop paying out and she wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage.

That said there are some very lovely and sensible people working in job centres but anyone with half a brain seems to be promoted to supervisor and then no longer deals with job seekers directly.

you've done well at not getting a job Katie

You try shagging a balding toff and sucking up to the family and try telling me that's not work!

The hair alone takes 2 stylists and an hour of blow-drying

hmm, put like that!

Don't block the director's car in when you're called for interview

OK, so he was badly parked, but I reckon they were writing out the rejection letter while I went down and moved my offending vehicle

I always used to think if I was made redundant it would be OK as I could walk into a job - would be much lower paid and a pain for commute but we wouldn't lose the house
(not being big headed, there are plenty of these sorts of jobs in every city)
However... having recently got a bit close for comfort I realised the problem is - when do you decide that? When do you write off your chances of getting the 100k job in favour of the 70k one that means you can still pay the mortgage (figures for illustration only - I wish!!)?
It's not as simple as I previously thought :(

My sister was in an interview and they asked her to provide an example of her attention to detail. Her mind went blank and the only thing she could think of was several spelling and grammar mistakes on the letter inviting her to interview. She used it and got the job someone might have had stern words that day.

good for her :o

I have a few of these....

If you put on your CV that you have a degree, it would be a good idea if you do actually have a degree. Getting angry when you have to admit that you lied and saying it isn't relevant, isn't going to endear you to me.

"Hanging around with mates and trying to decide what I want to do with my life" is not a previous employment history.

Do not direct all of your answers to my male subordinate. When I insist that you address me in the interview, do not direct all of your remaining answers to my breasts.

Do not turn up late for interview and say its because the transport is so awful you don't know how anyone makes it in.

If you are applying for a highly technical post, you need to have done something more than working the night shift in your local Esso.

We have application forms, but they can be filled electronically. If you are applying for a web-developer, submitting a hand written form as you "don't have access to the internet" will not get you to interview stage.

lol at "Hanging around with mates and trying to decide what I want to do with my life"

That was the same chap who said his weakness was getting out of bed in the morning.

Dh had over 100 cv's for his latest jobs. One said they had been "actively seeking employment", for the last 13 years. Hadn't managed to find a job in the last 13 years, but had been actively seeking !!

If you get asked to name one strength and one weakness, don't volunteer two weaknesses. Actually I gave him the job - but I did advise him not to do it on future interviews.

And don't claim credit for initiating and leading projects when it was actually the person interviewing you who did this and you were brought in at a later stage to help out.

Dh interviewed a guy to be his Warehouse Manager, who admitted that he didn't know what a 'stock check' was !!

When called for an interview that involves a test (that you have been warned about in advance), don't say, "What would you say if I refused to do the test? I have 15 years experience in the field, as you can see on my CV, and don't see why I need to prove myself."

He was shown the door - must be the shortest (non-)interview ever .

As for the job centre and their failure to cater for professionals, when I was out of work, after doing university research, they made me call their national helpline to see if they had any suitable jobs in their lists. They had just one job with 'research' in the title, half my previous salary, half way across the country ... don't think I'd be relocating my family based on that!

When writing your UCAS personal statement do not leave out the 'o's when waxing lyrical about hoe you want to study accountancy and become an accountant. Your personal statement will be the cause of much hilarity.

When being interviewed for a highly technical position, do not address your answers to the technical questions to the only male on the panel. He's the HR gimp. It's also a good idea to know when to stop answering a question. If half the panel have glazed eyes and the other two are quietly playing noughts and crosses you can safely assume you've lost your audience.

Oh no! I'm scared, I have two interviews in the next two weeks, it would be nice if I got one of the jobs!

makes note must not do silly things in interview. Last time I said penis in my interview... Actually I struggled to say penis, then said it anyway... I didn't get the job....