How not to get a job

[beanlet]

Having just advertised a (very) part time admin post I have been inundated by emails from people who have not read the ad properly, and it's taking up most of my working day answering them. Please, people:

If the advertisement says apply using the application form, don't email me your CV; that doesn't constitute applying, and I won't read it.

There's a reason I didn't attach my phone number to the advertisement; don't expect me to be available to talk to you on the telephone.

For god's sake don't send me an email with a naff graphic across the bottom of a hipster crowd-surfing; it gives me the impression you're a waster.

If the adrvertisement says high level of literacy required, don't send me an email in txt spk.

It's usually a good idea not to irritate your potential boss at the first interaction by sending a series of emails that indicate you can't read a basic form and require your potential boss to download something for you that you could easily find yourself.

(rant over)

Any more gems?

I wouldn't have a problem with an application form being handwritten in block capitals.

Ryoko - no I wouldn't judge for it being in block capitals.

At my last firm, we had an application from a woman whose application claimed that she "had the ability to remain alert and aware".

Obviously it's nice to feel assured that one's new lawyer isn't going to drop off at her desk or walk into poles, but we did feel that it was setting the bar rather low.

There's actually some really useful pointers here.

I've applied for voluntary redundancy from my public sector post, and if selected will probably leave later this year. One of the problems I'm facing is that despite all the experience I've gained in managerial roles, my public sector department was always reluctant to fund people in gaining externally recognised qualifications, unless it was absolutely vital for the job, e.g. professional accountancy (which I wanted to avoid).

So I've decided that I'll use some of the redundancy payoff to fund some qualifications while looking for a job closer to home. That 60 mile round trip to work really takes it out of you after a few years.

Ryoko I would think less of an application all written in capitals unless it was a very basic form (name, address, qualifications, current employer address etc). My dh writes all in caps and it looks awful - like being shouted at. If he had an application form to fill out I'd get him to type it or I'd fill it in for him.

I agree with the suggestion to print clearly. I'd actually prefer that to joined up handwriting I can't read when it's a paragraph of text.

I don't really come across anything hand written. A lot of the appcliations my graduate age chidlren have had to make have been on line - to the application form would be completed on line with lots of complicated exercises and tests too.

As for travelling it depends on people's circumstances. Some will find it easier than others to travel to work. Some won't get a job unless it's two doors down the road. Different people have different hoops they're prepared to go through.

I do get sick of people stating things that sound silly to see written - good people skills etc. Describe key core experience, what you did, what your grades are. No management speak. Use short sentences. Avoid flowery prose. Get as many people as you can find particularly those with good English to read it for you in advance and make suggestions.

Occasionally I have told someone how badly they come over to be helpful. I think some have no idea what good English looks like on paper and unless some people point it out they go ahead with application after application looking very bad.

I keep on being asked for advice by various people, which is flattering but:

• don't use txtspk
• don't ask how much I earn so you can "benchmark all [your] fantastic offers from different investment banks", because I will assume you're lying
• if you're say, a lawyer, and are wanting to move to a different jurisdiction with a different legal system, don't get all surprised when I say that you might need to do some exams to qualify in the new place. I thought that would be pretty obvious
• don't come and ask me for advice on how to get an internship, when your jobs/skills/experience/aspirations have absolutely nothing to do with mine. How on earth am I supposed to advise you?

What do you mean you can't write joined-up as you're left-handed? I'm left-handed and don't have this problem.

I had a fantastic cover letter from a candidate. He applied for a Credit Control role and stated that the best part of his day was going home. He also detailed his hobbies and recent activity regarding those hobbies; apparently "Bad Boys" was an "ace" film but another film mentioned was "shit".

I'm a left hander and can write legibly but would try to type into an application form, even if lots of test photocopying was required to make it fit.

My tip would be when applying for a serious post graduate job in a traditional profession don't start your covering letter "you may wonder why I'm writing on Harry Potter note paper. Well, like Harry Potter I have had to endure hardship in my life...."!

Do not tell the interviewer that the questions are stupid.

Do not tell the interviewer that they are too young to interview you.

Do not say to the interviewer that you cannot see the point in answering questions as your CV should speak for its self.

Do not tell the interviewer that she looks sexy before the interview has even started.

Capitals makes it look like they are uneducated and you would think how did they write GCSE and A level exam papers if they cannot write? Some application forms can be sent in word or filled in on line and others you could type answers to them (or just practise writing - plenty of left handers spend years learning better handwriting)

Ryoko, I wouldn't want to see an application in capitals. It doesn't matter that you don't write in joined up writing, printing is fine just not capitals.

when working in germany we had the same issues with the job centres. the company I worked for recruited (or better tried to recruit) local people for the unskilled jobs from there. all other jobs were advertised via newspapers or online places like monster.
the "best" one just wanting the stamp so he could claim job seekers benefit was a very grubby looking man who only wrote his adress and a badly worded "I want this job please" on a piece of kitchen paper. I denied him the stamp...

I once had a man sing me a song to show me how much he wanted the job. His application form was awful but the song did it for me and I gave him an interview.

He was so sweet at interview he showed me his muscles and kept telling me I was beautiful. I really wanted to give him the job but unfortunately I was outvoted.

It was an eye opener for me and it made me rethink our recruitment procedures. His english was very poor and yet for the job he was applying for only basic English was required. The standard application form and interview process quite clearly put him at a disadvantage.

PMSL at "I have the ability to stay awake at my desk"

Most application forms these days can usually be downloaded as a word doc, so you shouldn't need to handwrite. What happened to the days where we used to type up our answers on our typewriters, get the scissors out and glue the bits to the form, then photocopy and voila?

50% youth at uni also means lots of people have to borrow money and pay it back with interest.

Don't keep your eyes closed during the entire interview because you are too nervous to look the interviewer in the face.

Don't, as ex boyfriend once did, tell the interviewer to "Fuck Off".

It was with the RAF.
Oddly enough the Navy, Marines and Army all cancelled the interviews he had lined up with them.

PMSL at these
Oh yes, and there's no need to tell me what you do in your spare time, especially if that is "Socialising with my mates"

On the flip side of all this negativity, I once interviewed someone internally. It was the end of the day, the Friday before Christmas and we had done about 5 interviews already that day. This guy was known for being very shy, nervous, awkward with women, low self esteem and we were really only interviewing him because, on paper, their was no reason not to. Before he came in we already thought we'd got our candidate.

Anyway, he came in and looked at the floor. Then he took a deep breath, looked up, gave us a beaming smile and gave confident, technically correct, competent answers. Eye contact, hand gestures, good body language. Something just clicked. The interview was a joy, with a near perfect score. As he left, me and the other interviewer looked at each other and said "Was that really the XXX that we know?". We gave him the job. It was the making of him. It was one of the loveliest moments I have even had of being quite grown up at work.

For a professional technical role.

• Don't put your photo on the CV, you will be judged, sorry, but its human nature. Especially don't put a photo of you in a pub with your mates.
• Don't use the phrase "highly motivated individual", it is meaningless and every CV seems to have it
• Don't say you have fantastic communication skills, I will be able to tell if you do or not.
• Don't send your CV without a covering letter or email.

• Don't sit in reception before your interview talking loudly on the mobile to your mates arranging your social life (apparently for ten minutes according to my receptionist) and then when I approach, make the 'talk to the hand' gesture at me and continue your call for 5 minutes while I wait, then end the call and say "shall we get on with it then" in an annoyed voice
• Don't tell me that you doubt that I have the technical knowledge to even begin to understand your skills and experience
• Don't tell me that you nearly didnt come to the interview because you think my company might not be good enough for you.
• Don't flick and fiddle with your hair throughout the interview, giggle a lot, ask me about my love life and tell me stories about how drunk you were at the weekend.
• Don't tell me how much you love red wine and drink bucketfuls every night (I dont care if you do, but it doesnt count as an interesting hobby)
• When told that your interviewer (me) works part time, dont say "not very committed then, I will have your job"

God, some of these interview stories are jaw-dropping. I promise I will be back to update if we have any car crash moments at interview. Though, thankfully, I've had more than enough sensible people emailing as well that I don't think that will happen. Touch wood.

Don't give one of your strengths as having an overactive immune system that means you never get ill.

And don't ask at the end 'In the unlikely instance that you give me the job, please can you call me after the weekend'.

WTF does that mean?

The application form I filled in last week specifically asked about communication skills and motivation - but I managed to provide what I hope was decent evidence that I have those qualities!

Anyway... I need lots good interview tips please as I'm hoping to get a few - keep 'em coming...

I think I can answer the questions, and I'd never say anything so rude/ignorant/hilarious as some of your examples, but I think I'm just not a very likeable person :( I've never had a successful formal interview and I am so scared. Help!