How not to get a job

[beanlet]

Having just advertised a (very) part time admin post I have been inundated by emails from people who have not read the ad properly, and it's taking up most of my working day answering them. Please, people:

If the advertisement says apply using the application form, don't email me your CV; that doesn't constitute applying, and I won't read it.

There's a reason I didn't attach my phone number to the advertisement; don't expect me to be available to talk to you on the telephone.

For god's sake don't send me an email with a naff graphic across the bottom of a hipster crowd-surfing; it gives me the impression you're a waster.

If the adrvertisement says high level of literacy required, don't send me an email in txt spk.

It's usually a good idea not to irritate your potential boss at the first interaction by sending a series of emails that indicate you can't read a basic form and require your potential boss to download something for you that you could easily find yourself.

(rant over)

Any more gems?

I hate forms too, but no choice - big organisation, HR policy. At least I managed to halve the amount of irrelevant crap on the further particulars.

I haven't forgotten the candidates are also interviewing us, in a way, but in this job climate it's looking like we won't exactly be short of options.

Sorry for hijack but beanlet you were kind enough to post some advice a couple of months back on my thread re a job in the research council, just to say I got the job and have been there 3 weeks, I keep having to pinch myself mentally because I cannot believe how much I am enjoying it. I have never met such nice and supportive people in my professional life, and the projects I am working on are awe inspiring, frankly. I feel very lucky indeed - and thanks for your support at the time.

If you do get an interview, don't describe your previous employer as a "bunch of cunts". They might well have been but it is isn't a promising starter for ten...

I don't do any of the things you have all stated. Would anyone like to give me a job?

Don't complain at interview that when we wrote to invite you for interview, we should have told you what buses to take to our building. I was shocked the first time this happened a couple of years ago, but I have had it a few times since then and always from young people. Are young people so spoon fed today that some now think that us not telling them this is somehow bad practice? I would have thought that finding out how to get to an interview in the city where I work would only require the most basic initiative.

I heard the best line on The Cat in the Hat cartoon today and wonder if I could use in an interview.

Cat was asked, "You can make a nest?"
Cat said, "I don't know now, but will when I'm done!"

Reckon that would be a good answer to any question regarding skills and abilities?

Yes, young people are that spoon fed.

Oh God, all the ones about spelling on the first page scare me. It's been a while since I last applied for a job and I expect it'll be a while before I do again but my blood runs cold when I see an application form is required.

Spellchecker can edit out most of my dyslexia for me, my pernickity OH can manage the rest, so I know my CV will be word perfect. An application form though means handwriting, and handwriting is a risk. It's not that I can't spell, I can, it's just that somewhere between memory and hand the order of letters can shift and when I proof read my stuff I don't always see my mistakes. What you read as corockd can look to me to be crooked, but then might look like total tosh on the second read through, or might still look fine to me.

From now on should I find a way to mention that I have dyslexia and sometimes my spelling in unspellchecked material will be imperfect or should I get OH to handwrite the form for me in my own words?

My friend used to recruit for government and not for profit and lost count of the number of people who "really want to work in the pubic sector"

I have seen some terrible attempts at a cv in my time but where applying for unsuitable jobs is concerned and a couple of other things, it is mainly down to the Jobcentre.

Apparently a job you know you can actually do is only your ideal job as far as they are concerned, and if you're "jobseeking" for too long you will be forced asked to apply for unstuitable other jobs. You are told that you should ask about flexible hours, always send a cv, use your intitiative and follow up ignored applications with a phone call. (I've worked on enough switchboards to know if they haven't already called, they aren't going to and they aren't going to speak to you when you call!)

Jobseekers know this, but are told to do it anyway under threat of losing money...complete waste of everyone's time.

Had someone recently who listed grade 1 flute as an achievement. Also, grammatical mistakes in a cover letter for a job which has specified 'native English speaker level' was a no no. As was the woman who called ke three or four times to debate whether she should send in her cv. It was a managerial position that involved decision making.

My all time favourite though was the 10 page cv that started 'I was born on a small farm in Idaho...'

typos however, of the kind I made in my last post are easily done in the early hours of a Sunday morning...

I was interviewing a candidate for a vacancy in our IT documentation team some years ago. His CV was fine, if he had been applying for a job as a developer, but the entire team agreed that he wouldn't fit. However, our boss was under pressure at the time to recruit permanent staff (most of the team was freelance), hence the interview.
The first thing this chap did, was to tell us he wasn't switching off his mobile 'phone because he was expecting an important call - I am not sure what kind of call this was, but, at 5pm in the afternoon, I doubt that it was employment-related.
The second thing the chap did, was to tell us that he had left or been sacked from his previous two (yes, that's 2) postions because he didn't get on with other members of the team! At this point I went very quiet.
Anyway, he got the job. Stuck at it for exactly a year, nobody actually knew what he was doing, but he made sure that he took every single day's holiday going as well as getting signed off sick on several occasions.
Most amusingly, though, was his reaction to a "friendly" piece of advice from our big boss about dress code (working for a bank). Suits, or at least shirt and tie, were preferred. So chap goes off and buys himself a pale green suit (I think it was a designer one) and proceeds to wear it to the office with the label prominently displayed on the outside cuff of one of the sleeves. He really didn't have a clue!

Underachieving - some application forms have a disability section?

I once helped with some teacher& TA application forms & they were shocking.most of the teacher ones were very similar to each other and all turned out to be NQTs who obviously had university input into 'how to write a CV'.

Don't wear a cannabis leaf t-shirt to an interview.
Especially when the interview is for a job in a pharmacy which,by the way, involves working with drugs
Still trying to work out what her thought process was in deciding what to wear

I had a lady turn up to an interview carrying what looked like a weeks shopping from ASDA - not a great first impression.

I worked as a manager in a credit control department. One of the questions we always asked was how you would deal with irate callers - on interviewee proudly announced 'I would tell them to piss off' - he didnt get the job.

Underachieving - I have the same problem. If I ever have to write anything by hand, I compose it on the computer, run spell check, and the copy it three words at a time onto the form by hand. The 'copying' bit I find crucial. If I force myself to check the spellings every three words and just concentrate on that number at a time I can usually do it without mistakes.

Alternatively, contact the company and ask if they have an electronic version of the form.

We had one turn up to a profesional interview wearing a mini and hello..... kitty hair clips. Another had an email address like pinkfluffyprincess .

underachieving - I think it depends what jobs you are applying for. So for example applying for a job as a proof reader but making spelling mistakes shows you can't do the job.

If the job doesn't require excellent spelling then many employers- although not all - would forgive 1 or 2 spelling mistakes. Personally though I would always get someone to check my application form if I was worried about my spelling.

I don't think telling employers you have dyslexia will neccessarily help. Its about employers knowing you want the job enough to make sure you take care with an application and not getting someone to check it when you have dyslexia, kind of shows you aren't taking care.

On the other side, I once went for an interview for a post which was a lower grade and for less money, for a lifestyle change. The panel asked me a question about a policy in our field....saying I would have to occasionally help senior staff with this and did I understand it. I answered that I knew this quite well, given I had been on the international panel that set the policy and went on for a few minutes about how we established it..The look on their faces said it all and I thought fuck, I havent got this, have I. So I learned to shutup when applying for lower grade posts.

I once received a cv printed on pink paper in landscape, with three columns of text. I think it was supposed to be folded into a leaflet!

I'm almost tempted to copy this thread and take it to the jobcentre. As a few posters above have pointed out, the job centre encourages you to do a lot of the things employers on this thread say is a no no.
We have to apply for 3 jobs a week, if we don't we can lose our benefits,which means a lot of people who know they haven't got a chance of getting the job will apply anyway, as there is not always the jobs around
that fit your specific qualifications.
I live in a very rural area and am lucky if a job comes up every couple of months, so trying to find 3 a week is a struggle

Congrats on your job GOML :)
Ive had some good advice on here and hopefully in a month or two I'll be able to come back and say thanks too...

What are the things job centres tell people to do which employers on the thread do not like?

I get people applying for jobs with spelling errors. DefinATE ratehr than definite is one.

Even dyslexics can surely type first, spell check, get a friend to check and then copy on to a hard written form if it is not an on line form. If on line form then they can spell check elsewhere and then cut and paste. Of course it depends on the job too - there are plenty where spelling might not matter at all.

My older 3 children are all graduate age so we have had lots of job application, forms, on line application things in the last few years.

Oh congratulations GOML - that's fantastic news! So pleased you're enjoying the job too.