How not to get a job

[beanlet]

Having just advertised a (very) part time admin post I have been inundated by emails from people who have not read the ad properly, and it's taking up most of my working day answering them. Please, people:

If the advertisement says apply using the application form, don't email me your CV; that doesn't constitute applying, and I won't read it.

There's a reason I didn't attach my phone number to the advertisement; don't expect me to be available to talk to you on the telephone.

For god's sake don't send me an email with a naff graphic across the bottom of a hipster crowd-surfing; it gives me the impression you're a waster.

If the adrvertisement says high level of literacy required, don't send me an email in txt spk.

It's usually a good idea not to irritate your potential boss at the first interaction by sending a series of emails that indicate you can't read a basic form and require your potential boss to download something for you that you could easily find yourself.

(rant over)

Any more gems?

When you fail the basic spelling and grammar test that is a pre-requisite for working here, do not tell the boss that they are wrong because the Oxford English dictionary and more importantly the clients agree with them and calling me pedantic will not endear you to anyone.

(yes really!!)

When asked why you want to train to be a Chartered Accountant on a highly competetive Graduate scheme, play the fecking game - tell me you're really interested in finance, business, good at maths etc (I know you're not really, you're doing it because you're a bright kid about to get a good degree and you need a job - I just want people bright enough to realise there is a game to be played at this stage)...

...do not tell me at age 22 you are doing this 'because your mum thinks it will be a good career for you'.

Do not guzzle almost a full bottle of cherryade whilst waiting in reception for the interviewer to arrive and then proceed to burp loudly all the way through the interview. Do not then return to collect the remaining cherryade you had forgotten to find the interviewer and the receptionist talking about and laughing at you

Never, ever wee yourself on the way to the interview.

If you have to complete a written test on a laptop, be sure to save as you go along, and make sure you know where the escape key is and try to steer clear of it.

Don't fall into prepared traps in interviews e.g "do you enjoy reading intellectual property periodicals?

Oh yes - enthusiastic gush....

So which is your favourite?
.... (Toe curling silence)

Do not tell your interviewer that they have 'attitude'

Not a job interview as such ............... but when applying for a very competitive University course do not use a Walt Disney quote about "reaching for the stars" (dreams? or something) in your personal statement. It sounds weird.

Do not use a ridiculous font that no-one can read.

Do not cut and paste the example competency based answer into the box for your answer. We will notice.

If you are applying for a customer service job pushing to the front of the queue demanding to speak to the manager at lunchtime when the place is heaving and then thrusting your CV in her face will not get you shortlisted. IME.

A piece of torn lined paper with "WANT JOB" scrawled on it is not a substitute for a proper application.

My favourite ever typo on a CV was the person who wrote 'whorehouse' instead of warehouse, as in, "I spent my summer holidays working in my father's whorehouse."

Don't get your parents to apply for jobs for you, e.g. "Dear Ms. Puffikins, I'm getting in touch on behalf of my daughter Hopeless. She has always loved fashion and shopping, and I was wondering if by any chance you might have anything suitable coming up at BigFashionMagazine. She's in her final term at TopTenUniversity, reading English," etc. etc.

Used to drive me demented. Especially when I then discovered that they were writing because they'd met my mother at a dinner party who had told them that she was sure that I could find something 'fun' for their daughter to do.

I once had an applicant for a job as a Saturday girl in my shop fill in the "Any criminal convictions part" with admissions to shoplifting and assault.

In her defence she said the shoplifting was "From Tescos because she wouldn't steal from a small place" and the assault conviction was for beating her mum up - "Not like it was a stranger or anything". Yes that really impressed me

I also had another girl turn up 30 minutes late to interview because she bumped into an old friend and went for a coffee on the way !!
Not the best first impression to make on balance.

"I spent my summer holidays working in my father's whorehouse."

Brilliant, this has made my day :)

Someone once sent me a 5 page CV. 2 pages of text, 3 of graphs and diagrams of his key skills... honestly there was a pie chart with say 40% great communicator, 20% organised, 10% attention to detail, 5% twat etc. He also addressed the email to me (after we spoke on the phone and I gave him MY email address) and explained at length how he had spoken to a lady who must be my secretary. He also addressed me as Sir.

Someone once sent an application to my friend saying they were a 'fast leerer'. We think they meant learner

If trying to persuade someone to put your band on the bill at their event, don't, when knocked back politely the first time, send a series of angry and abusive emails. Music promoters have long memories and they talk to each other. You will damage your reputation. Tits.

don't bother writing 'I have good communication skills'. it will be apparent whether that is the case or not

Do not get your mother to phone me to find out if you'd be suited to the job.

Do not tell me that you're no good at open book exams when the role will require you to sit several.

Do not address me by my surname when replying to an email I have just sent you

At least put a stamp on the envelope of the application that I have requested by email only

Ah, I've done a lot of these. I've had the Jobcentre hassling me a ridiculous number of times, when I was either waiting to start a degree so it was pointless starting a job, or trying to sort out DLA/Carer's benefits which took nearly a year.

Still had to go through the job application motions just to sign on though, but I didn't want to risk actually being offered the job as I would have been penalised for turning it down. Waste of time for both the employer and me.

Don't approach an HBOS Bank stand at a recruitment fair and ask 'I'd like to work for HOBO's...'

Dont state "dealing with fresh, frozen and ambient" as key skills for doing an intensive family support worker role.

Oh, some of these are just awesome.

I think ticking the jobcentre boxes might have something to do with some of these CVs, but surely you might as well make an effort if you're really trying to get a job?

One more. Comic sans font makes you look like you're about 3. Just no.

Don't send a 7-page cv. Particularly if you are only 23. I am 47 and can fit mine into two sides.

Don't gloat at the person sitting behind the reception desk saying, 'ha ha, I'll have your job soon, blondie', because it's entirely possible that is not the erstwhile receptionist, but the sales manager's PA who will be involved in the interview.

Also, if you hope to make it as an author, never, ever do this www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/2011/mar/30/jacqueline-howett-bad-review

it would appear a lot of you forget that interviews aren't just for your benefit but also for the benefit of the candidate to assess you and the company :o

I've walked away from two offers before because of how the interviewers came accross. Candidates can be and are just as picky as you lot :o

Don't leave the f out of "shift" repeatedly throughout your application.

I got my first job by being brutally honest. I applied to be a waitress and the owner asked me why I wanted to work there and I replied that I needed the money. He liked the answer, and told me it made a refreshing change to be told the truth rather than a load of crap about wanting to get experience of working in a team.

My favourite was the nan who wrote "I have learned to control my anger" in his covering letter. The job? Shelver in a library

MAN, not nan! stupid iPhone autocorrect!