How not to get a job

[beanlet]

Having just advertised a (very) part time admin post I have been inundated by emails from people who have not read the ad properly, and it's taking up most of my working day answering them. Please, people:

If the advertisement says apply using the application form, don't email me your CV; that doesn't constitute applying, and I won't read it.

There's a reason I didn't attach my phone number to the advertisement; don't expect me to be available to talk to you on the telephone.

For god's sake don't send me an email with a naff graphic across the bottom of a hipster crowd-surfing; it gives me the impression you're a waster.

If the adrvertisement says high level of literacy required, don't send me an email in txt spk.

It's usually a good idea not to irritate your potential boss at the first interaction by sending a series of emails that indicate you can't read a basic form and require your potential boss to download something for you that you could easily find yourself.

(rant over)

Any more gems?

I once had an application form from a mature student doing a degree. She was obviously very proud of herself (and so she should be!) but seemed to think the fact she was working for a degree and now a applying for a job which didn't require one would impress me so much I'd be rushing round her house begging to employ her on the spot.

It was a competancy based applciation but to every question she answered. 'Doing a degree. Example in my course work. Can be supplied on request.'

As in:

Q 'Give me an example of when you have had to develop a member of staff to achieve their full potential'

A Doing a degree. Example in my course work. Can be supplied on request.

No,No,No.

Also under no circumstances submit an application for using a lower case 'i' and no paragraphs. It will be binned especially when literacy and report writing are essential parts of the job. A lso quite scary when you realise the writer had a Hons degree in Social Care.

I'm not involved in giving people jobs but had a great time reading CVs once. I was working in my fathers office temporarily and they had advertised for a new legal secretary. All the CV's came in one day and I could not believe some of them. Some applications were people trying to get solicitor training contracts, one in particular must have had a generic training contract cv that they have sent every time a solicitor was looking for someone, even if it was making tea, that was so OTT i had to laugh. There was a 6 page cv a covering letter as to why they wanted to be a solicitor and then on top of all that 4 pages detailing all their experiences and what skills they felt they developed during each one. For real training contract opportunities there can be hundreds of CVs do they really think someone could be bothered reading it? Other CVs had the usual spelling mistakes and "creativity", yes because we like our court documents to be done in comic sans with a flowery boarder.

After being horrified by CVs i have discovered the reason, universities! We had to do a CV building thing and mine turned out 5 pages long, and filled mostly with shite about how my baking hobby has given me skills that can be transferred to a job. My CV is arial size 12 two pages long with relevant stuff on it. I do an individual cover letter for each application that is never longer than 3/4 of a page. It had never failed me. I think the cover letter is the most important thing. I sent CVs to local solicitors to do temp holiday cover over the summer. I looked them up and saw what type of work they do and tailored my letter accordingly. It took a whole 2 minutes. I would look like a right dick sending a generic CV and letter detailing my background to a solicitor that did work i have never done before. I have so far sent 4 CVs and have had 3 places confirm weeks they want me and a fourth that is to get back to me. Getting a job and the application process has got so needlessly complicated, I think i get jobs because my CV and letter take a few minutes to read, they are straight to the point and I take pride in them and make sure they have no mistakes in them. (Plus I'm much cheaper than a temp agency)

I never apply for a job that requires an application form to be completed, a C.V should be sufficient.

However, I would not respond to those who had not adhered to the ad, in your case. Why waste time? Most employers these days if you are not successful to interview do not bother contacting you at all.

This is a great thread. I've just started looking for a 'proper job' after a few years as a SAHM and I absolutely HATE this process. It is really demoralising when I spend ages on a form, cv etc only to get knocked back straight away.

Still, this thread has made me laugh. And given me a few more hints.

A little paranoid though, as yesterday I sent off a form for my ideal job - having spoken to the boss all about my application, he was great and gave me loads of advice - but now I'm scared I've done it wrong.

I'll rock silently in the corner until they get back to me...

It's so easy to miss a spelling mistake in an application.

I always complete the form, then get someone else to read it, sleep on it and then read my answers again the next morning when i have a clear head before i send.

Don't say "You need a man for this job. A woman would not be able to cope with such a demanding job." Thereby ignoring the bit of the advert asking applicants to send their applications to Mrs Girlyname Surname...

Don't put a head and shoulders photo of yourself where your top and bra are so seethrough that you can see your (hairy) nipples...

I wonder if many of these come from the job centre's policy that they will give you jobs that you must apply to or face losing 6 months unemployment support.

Often the job centre try to get people to 'diversify' (apply to jobs they are not suited to, have no experience or qualifications in), so these could be the creative response.

Don't apply for a job as a mental health support worker in a secure unit for dangerous and severely ill people saying you couldn't "fit" all your convictions onto the CRB form and 2 years previously you'd gone on a "crime spree" but had got over it now

Don't state the statutory sick pay as being the reason you wanted to get a permanent rather than temporary post when you absence record as a temporary person was shocking anayway

Don't apply for a job as a staff nurse on said unit when asked how you might help the seriously disturbed and vulnerable patients say "I would hold them to my chest and smother them with love" said non ironically.

these are all real life example of interviews i did when ward sister on a secure unit.....words did literally fail me whilst choking trying not to laugh.

I stopped using the Job Centre in the end, just went through Agencies. Got fed up with time wasters who clearly did not want the job, couldn't be arsed sending a decent CV and frequently turned up late or not at all to job interviews I had invited them too.
Because clearly I had nothing better to do with my time than to interview random people for a job (when in fact I was running a very big industrial lab, and was interviewing as we needed extra people to help with the workload!).

Don't if invited to an interview ask if your mum can come with you?...Yes really! Strangely we did not offer her the job?

Don't at the end of an interview when asked if you have any questions say "can you tell me more about what the job involves?". We had already guessed at the interview that you had no idea what the job is and hadn't done the most basic research. You have just confirmed that guess.

Don't turn up at a first interview for a prestigous graduate training scheme 20 mins late, then blame not being able to park without a word of apology, then tell your interviewer in a nudge-nudge-I'm-so-creative-me way that you eventually decided to park in a disabled bay using the blue badge you'd taken off your father that morning "just in case".

If you are in your early thirtys do not put that your were a prefect and head boy at school. It's fine if you're a school leaver or fresh graduate, but it's time to get over it now...you're a grown up.

I interviewed a man who presented me with an oil painting he'd done of Eastenders' Kat Slater.

Don't tell me during your interview that you were the president of the debating society at a particular university between 199X and 199Y, and then get arsey with me when I inform you that in fact I held that post for the years in question.

minxofmancunia - are you sure it wasn't the patients you were interviewing?

Do not get lost and arrive 45 minutes late for the interview.

I did this last week., and I got the job.

Last year my dh was interviewing to employ someone for his very small design company. We had literally boxes and boxes of CVs as lots of people want to work in the field but nearly all were completely unsuitable.
The main crimes were:
-completely ignoring the person spec and essential requirements eg applications from shoe designers for a job doing industrial equipment
-failing to research the company at all (v.v. easy to google it) and therefore find out that we don't do shoes
-addressing your letter to dear sir/madam when his name is on the ad as the person to write to. Just looks rude and ignorant.

• surprising numbers of people were unable to spell 'design'. If you are not able to spell check your own CV there seems not much hope that you will check important production drawings correctly.
• being so clueless that you expect us to assist you to get to the interview. We had cheeky requests to be picked up from the station or asking what bus to get. Does not bode well for initiative and err.. you're not Jonathan Ive yet love!

I have a mate who applied for loads of jobs with a comedy email address on his CV and would hear nothing of it when I told him that he'd stand a much better chance if he got himself a new email address.

If you must put a photo on your cv make sure it is the right way up. And I really don't want to see a picture of your dog. I'm also still trying to work out what the person who put petting down as a hobby actually meant. And winning a skipping competition at school does not count as a qualification.

I've been lucky enough to not have had to 'apply' for a job, as working in the service industry, I've just moved from one restaurant to another when asked to come aboard. And now I'm an artist with representation and SAHM so work on my own.

Recently I was going to apply for a PT position at the university but when I read through the post and came to the end and read that "although we are obligated to publicly post this position, there is already an internal pool being considered for the position", I thought, well, that would have been a great waste of time applying for that.

lol camdancer my ex used to mail cv's from his hotmail dazpimpin@hotetc he didnt see anything wrong with it. dur. cringe