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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be angry about teenage Mum

104 replies

ftm42 · 01/04/2011 08:24

Another rant on the teenage pregnancy issue: [and I'm waiting for the flack] - our house is next door to a hostel for homeless singles / families and teenage mums. One of the teenager's own mother lives just round the corner. Why isn't she living with her mum instead of taking up a place that would be better for a 'genuine' case.

Her Mum visits daily and they walk up to her Mum's house to spend the day or go shopping, so she obviously has a good relationship with her. Her Mum's house is a big one [she's got several kids] so there's no reason why she should be using a room next door that someone else must need so much more? I know her Mum to chat to and she is very proud [sic] of her daughter and grandchild, but why can't she support her daughter responsibly instead of abusing the system?

OP posts:
theresapotatoundermysink · 01/04/2011 08:26

Why don't you mind your own business?
You only know what you've observed who knows what the hell is going on behind closed doors.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 01/04/2011 08:26

2 Shit stirring threads started before 8.30. Hmm nice

mumblechum1 · 01/04/2011 08:27

Erm, would you want to live with your mujm?

I wouldn't. This way she's hopefully learning to be at least a bit independent (though sounds strange she sees her mum every single day)

Cher87 · 01/04/2011 08:28

It seems to me that they are trying to be 'bumped' up the list for a counsil house by her being there she will be more of a priority rather than in her mums nice big house with lots of room iyswim?
Doesnt make it right but I have seen this happen alot!

cantspel · 01/04/2011 08:31

If i had my judgy pants on i would say it is so she is given more points for social housing.

Original poster
ftm42 · 01/04/2011 08:36

hobnobsaremyfave - love shit-stirring - it's making you think isn't it? We aren't all permissive to the exclusion of everyone else. Let's all go do whatever we like - the Big Society will pick up the pieces, like they always do.

OP posts:
pingu2209 · 01/04/2011 08:37

It is one thing being proud of one's child/grandchild, and another to fully support it. Relationships are often better when they are not living under 1 roof.

pink4ever · 01/04/2011 08:37

Ahh mn liberals. So easy to say dont be judgey when you are living in your Hampshire villageHmm. I would judge my arse off over stuff like this. I know a girl at my nursery who has just been given a 4 bed house(currently in a 2 bed) because she has a dd and a ds.I have a 3 dcs in a 2 bed house but we have bought ours. She got these free houses by telling council she was homeless.Total lies.She has a very good relationship with her mum and could have stayed with her.
Before I get flamed I have no problem with people who are genuinely in need through illness/redundancy etc(especially in current climate) but pisses me off when some get handed everything on a plate.We tried to get a council flat/house when we first moved here and were basically told no chance(not for people who actually work apparentlyHmm?).

LoveBeingKnockedUp · 01/04/2011 08:38

Oh dear. What a two faced person you are, if it bothers you so much why don't you ask her?

Squinkle · 01/04/2011 08:39

It's not your decision as to whether or not she's a 'genuine' case, and how do you know she's 'abusing the system'? Hostel places are incredibly hard to come by and the staff would only have accepted her after a thorough assessment... I can completely see where you're coming from, but you're only seeing the very surface of the situation, and although you clearly mean well, you need to trust the hostel staff's decision and respect their work. They need all the friendly neighbours they can get!

cantspel · 01/04/2011 08:41

Oh i will admit i do judge but so early on a friday morning after a long hard week i am finding it hard to get worked up at yet another person playing the system.

Abcinthia · 01/04/2011 08:48

At the end of the day, you don't know everything about her situation. She might be playing the system, she might be a genuine case. There could be some very good reasons why she isn't living with her mother.

vj32 · 01/04/2011 08:50

Where do you live?

In the south you have to jump through massive hoops and wait a long time for most council/social housing.

You don't know the circumstances either. The only time I know that our local council rushed through an application was for a 17 year old, a few weeks off her 18th birthday. She was living with her family but they were overcrowded and one of her other siblings was terminally ill. The additional stress of overcrowding on top of a dying child was considered so serious they bent a few rules to give the family more space. I think they did the right thing.

Original poster
ftm42 · 01/04/2011 08:50

Abcinthia - you're right, I don't know everything about it, but it seems to me if her relationship with her Mum is so good, why is she using a space that someone else who's more in need should have?

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 01/04/2011 08:54

YABU

Most of the teenagers I work with still have lots of contact with their parents and seemingly supportive relationships - despite all of them having been in care for much of their lives. Very occasionally a young woman has to be moved out of her parents' house when she gets pregnant due to risks to the child from her parent/s. Just because she takes her shopping and is proud of her doesn't mean she isn't abusive. You know literally fuck all about the circumstances so beak out.

HecateTheCrone · 01/04/2011 09:20

I have worked with young women. Some of them had excellent relationships with their mothers.

Once they weren't living together.

When they were living together, it was all rebellion, fights and heartache.

The girls came to me and were able to rebuild their relationship with their families, now they had their own space and independence and much of the conflict had gone.

Living seperately changes the relationship. Changes the dynamic. changes it from mum and child who needs to be disciplined, grounded maybe Grin all the 'while you're under my roof' stuff - into a more mature relationship, a more equal one.

You really don't understand how these things can be. That's not your fault, you've (hopefully) not worked with or been a troubled teen.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 01/04/2011 09:23

There's no need to be rude EricNorthmansMistress. You can tell the OP she doesn't know anything about the actual relationship and ask why she feels the need to judge. Or ask why she seems so obsessed with teenage mothers. Or ask what exactly does she think should happen to teen mothers? Or ask if she has a problem with 'big society', the current Conservative panacea, how far right do her politics lie exactly and did she see that nice leader of the Mongol Empire on her way past.

Journey · 01/04/2011 09:25

Sounds like she is trying to get a council house by appearing that she is homeless.

harassedinherpants · 01/04/2011 09:25

I love my mum to bits, but I couldn't live with her! Not now, and not when I was a teenage mum either.

Maybe the daughter and baby would make the house overcrowded, maybe other children have behaviour issues..... you don't know. There could be any number of issues and therefore you shouldn't judge.

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2011 09:32

Do those of you that are judging not read the threads where the poster has grown up with a toxic mother (even though the outside world would never know it). Even if the relationship isn't everything it should be we tend to keep contact with our mothers. Something has gone amiss in this girls life to bring her to where she is, you cannot possibly say that there are more deserving cases than her. If there is a cronic shortage for people in need in your area, campaign for more. There may be a reason she needs to get out of the hostal during the day, i have had relatives work in them and they are not fun places to be.

altinkum · 01/04/2011 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maristella · 01/04/2011 09:33

I was a teenage Mum, and the Big Society, in fact a part of society in general seemed keen to exclude me because I was a young parent.

None of us know this woman's circumstances, but some of us have an idea of the challenges she faces. So I wish her all the luck and courage; she'll need it in this judgemental society of ours. This young and potentially vulnerable woman might bother you a lot less if you were to focus on your own life a bit more, and stop obsessing and making assumptions about hers.

Oh, and I say this from the Hampshire village in which I live Grin

Birdsgottafly · 01/04/2011 09:33

Unless her mum is telling them that she can go home then she is homeless. So her mum is not as 'lovely' as she seems.

GypsyMoth · 01/04/2011 09:35

tell us about yourself op......let us judge YOU on some limited info....go on.....

Bucharest · 01/04/2011 09:35

My half-sister's daughter is in care because her Mum walked out and left her alone, at 14 to look after her 5y and 18mth old brothers.
She still has contact with her Mum because she's a kid, who loves her Mum no matter that her Mum doesn't deserve diddley from her children.
You should see her Fb, every time her Mum visits her at the foster parents the kid is over the moon. Makes me weep with fury that she is even allowed contact with her children, but there you go.
So, yes, YABU for not knowing the situation.