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to say no to scans for ex.

160 replies

chunkybum · 30/03/2011 21:44

So I have just got off the phone to my ex, our baby is due in 6 months.
I have asked him to decide what he would like to do for the baby etc.
he replied 'well im coming to the scans, you cant F-ing stop me'.
I explained that I was only prepared to have him there if i could trust him enough and that he needed to meet before etc for coffee or something to break the ice a bit first.
We split up on the back of him being a bit horrid and i said i couldnt see him anymore.
He has suggested that i get RID as he puts it.

I am very uncomfortable around him because he can be very aggressive too.
He then said and let me know what i need to buy for my house as ill be having the baby all weekends.
I was like 'er no, it dosent work like that, i need to be able to trust you so we can build up contact over time and the more trust you gain the more le-way ill let u have'
he then stated' you cant fucking stop me seeing my fucking kid alright, and im coming to the scan and u can stop that either'
im not happy being around someone that feels its ok to talk to me like this.
where do i stand, i dont want him at the scan, i dont want him near me at all.
is that unreasonable, to not allow him there, and to want limited contact till i can trust him properly.
he does not have a brilliant track record with aggression and im genuinly scared that he would loose it with the baby, not hit the baby, just shout lots and swear lots.
Also I want to breast feed but he says he will give the baby a bottle when he has him/her. I dont want the baby to have a bottle as my other kids have allergies/ intollerances to dairy!!!!
i have posted this in loan parents before i knew this AIBU bit was here. sorry!!!

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 30/03/2011 21:45

loan parents???? its in lone parents lolGrin


squeakytoy · 30/03/2011 21:47

How old are you both?


2cats2many · 30/03/2011 21:48

He sounds like a right charmer! For the record, YANBU. Scans are a lovely time. I have great memories of mine. Why let this horrid man spoil them for you?


AKMD · 30/03/2011 21:49

:( Poor you, it sounds horrible but like you definitely made the right decision to leave him, he sounds more than a bit abusive.

Don't tell him when the scan is. If you have told him already, change the appointment with the hospital.

Your MW should be able to point you in the right direction for legal advice on what his 'rights' are and to get you support. It might also worth looking at the Women's Aid website for their contact number for advice.


OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/03/2011 21:49

YANBU to say "no" to scans, and if he wants weekend access from birth, let him go to court for it.

a) He won't be bothered
b) No, no judge would demand you hand over an EBF baby for a weekend.


troisgarcons · 30/03/2011 21:49

He's got no legal right to be there. The hospital wont disclose your appointments to him. So don't tell him.


NoseyNooNoo · 30/03/2011 21:49

Well the hospital won't let him into the room if you don't want him there.

Not sure what to say about the rest of your post. He sounds horrible. Good for you sticking to your guns.


Clytaemnestra · 30/03/2011 21:49

You can stop him coming to the scans. Just don't tell him when they are. He'll have no access, or right to access to your medical notes so there is no way for him to find out unless you tell him. So don't. Likewise for being at the birth, as I suspect that will be another thing he demands to attend.

He also doesn't have any right to access "all weekends". Get to see a solicitor, find out what the rights are (they'll be supervised hours here and there) and then get it all formalised.


chunkybum · 30/03/2011 21:49

i am 26 and he is 22
i already have 4 kids from my marriage he has no kids (that he knows of)

OP posts:

DeepPurple · 30/03/2011 21:49

How long were you together?
How many other kids do you have and how old are they? Are they his too?
He doesn't sound great and tbh I wouldn't want him around me or my children. Just don't tell him when your scans are. He doesn't have the right to be there.


AgentZigzag · 30/03/2011 21:50

I've not had experience of your situation but just on the surface of it (however much of a twat he might be) he's proabably a bit scared.

Scared of being a dad, of not being a dad, that you are both having problems together...

If he's a verbally aggressive person anyway, is it possible that this is how he's expressing the strength of what he feels?

No excuse for it at all, even so.

He needs to calm down and do what you say ie talk about what's going to happen, how you can get him to see that I'm not sure.

How long were you together before you got pregnant?


DeepPurple · 30/03/2011 21:50

took me too long to type Blush


Inertia · 30/03/2011 21:50

Well, don't tell him when or where the scans are and he can't come because he won't know! You can discuss the threat of violence with your HCPs and have a note made on your records that your Ex is violent, if that's the case.

And if you exclusively breastfeed he won't be able to care for the baby at weekends anyway.


AxisofEvil · 30/03/2011 21:51

Yadnbu with the scans. It is entirely up to you.


troisgarcons · 30/03/2011 21:51

Oh, and dont tell him when you are registering the baby - it'll take him ages to be arsed to get a DNA test etc etc to establish paternity. Down shot of that is you cant get maint .... mind you sounds like you're better off without him


Littlefish · 30/03/2011 21:51

Also, think very carefully about whether you put his name on the birth certificate as it affords him certain rights I think.


Littlefish · 30/03/2011 21:52

X posted with troisgarcons.


zikes · 30/03/2011 21:52

You might want to try the 'relationships' board.

This guy has no right to come to scans. If he is aggressive and makes you frightened, you may want to look into restraining orders and the like.

You do not have to tell him when your scans are. If he turned up at the hospital, you can ask security to remove him.


bristolcities · 30/03/2011 21:53

YANBU why does this man think he has any say so about what happens to your body? Or the treatment you receive? It is absolutely not his right to be there. I once had to attend an appointment with my best friend. Father to be insisted his PA watched an internal scan. Totally destroyed her.


Vallhala · 30/03/2011 21:53

What OldLady and troisgarcons said.

Furthermore, tell him to fuck off.

I'm fuming for you, my own view would be that I'd make sure that he didn't come within 10 miles of my child or I, ever.


NearlySpring · 30/03/2011 21:53

Yanbu to not want to spend time around him if he is aggresive. Is he actually aggresive or just a bit verbally abusive? if it's the latter then I very much doubt you would be able to stop him seeing the baby. If he is not violent then however much you may dislike him he is as mush entitled to see the baby as you are. You are both 50% parent!

It does sound as though perhaps genus trying to be a good father. Wanting to come to the scan, asking what things he needs to buy etc. Perhaps tell him the benefits of breast feeding and offer to express milk for when he hasthe baby. Benefits the baby and him as he doesn't have to pay for milk!


ShirleyKnot · 30/03/2011 21:53

Does the dad to your other children see them on a regular basis and are you on good terms with him?


FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 21:55

He sounds charming, and very young.

You made a mistake and you are right to say that you need to be able to trust him when he has the baby, however if you do learn to trust him (unlikely), he is entitled to see the child at his own home, how will he feed said child? Would you express so he can take bottled food?


TandB · 30/03/2011 21:55

Easy solution - don't tell him when the scans are. It is your body that is being scanned, whether or not it he has contributed to the child inside that body.

And YANBU to say no overnight contact while you are breastfeeding, but in any event it does not sound like he is someone you can trust to have unsupervised contact, at least at first. His insistence on overuling your choice of feeding method should be ringing warning bells for a start - if he is going to insist on doing something that could potentially damage the breastfeeding relationship, then you are on pretty solid ground to say that he is not prioritising the best interests of your child.

It would probably be sensible to get legal advice but you can put yourself in a good position by making some reasonable suggestions about contact, in writing (or email) so that if this comes to a contact application it will be clear that you have behaved reasonably from the start. For example, why not write to him saying that you want him to be actively involved in the baby's life but that you will be breastfeeding and you assume he will be supporting that and not doing anything that could cause difficulties (eg overnight contact and bottle feeding against your wishes). And that you have concerns due to the level of agression he has displayed towards you during discussions about this baby so you will need the contact to be supervised at first. And ask him for proposals about contact in writing.

Good luck.


ddubsgirl · 30/03/2011 21:55

if you dont want him in there they wont let him in,i wouldnt tell him anything,they cant give out info so just dont tell him and go on your own or with family /friend,you dont have to have him at the birth and you can tell them not to let him,if you worried now they you know the answer,start cutting all ties xxxxx

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