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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to scans for ex.

160 replies

chunkybum · 30/03/2011 21:44

So I have just got off the phone to my ex, our baby is due in 6 months.
I have asked him to decide what he would like to do for the baby etc.
he replied 'well im coming to the scans, you cant F-ing stop me'.
I explained that I was only prepared to have him there if i could trust him enough and that he needed to meet before etc for coffee or something to break the ice a bit first.
We split up on the back of him being a bit horrid and i said i couldnt see him anymore.
He has suggested that i get RID as he puts it.

I am very uncomfortable around him because he can be very aggressive too.
He then said and let me know what i need to buy for my house as ill be having the baby all weekends.
I was like 'er no, it dosent work like that, i need to be able to trust you so we can build up contact over time and the more trust you gain the more le-way ill let u have'
he then stated' you cant fucking stop me seeing my fucking kid alright, and im coming to the scan and u can stop that either'
im not happy being around someone that feels its ok to talk to me like this.
where do i stand, i dont want him at the scan, i dont want him near me at all.
is that unreasonable, to not allow him there, and to want limited contact till i can trust him properly.
he does not have a brilliant track record with aggression and im genuinly scared that he would loose it with the baby, not hit the baby, just shout lots and swear lots.
Also I want to breast feed but he says he will give the baby a bottle when he has him/her. I dont want the baby to have a bottle as my other kids have allergies/ intollerances to dairy!!!!
i have posted this in loan parents before i knew this AIBU bit was here. sorry!!!

OP posts:

bristolcities · 30/03/2011 22:13

But can you get help form the CSA if he isn't registered on birth cert? Because it sounds like this 'man' is trying to assert as much control as possible and with holding money would be a typical way of doing this.

chunkybum · 30/03/2011 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

bubblecoral · 30/03/2011 22:13

But this guy hasn't even been given a chance!

Yes, he sounds like a twat, but the baby's not here yet, he might be a wonderful Father. I know my ex acted extremely twattish at times, but he really is a good Dad. And I'm a pretty good Mum, despite considering abortion when I first found out I was pregnant at quite a young age.

My own Dad told my Mum he didn't want her to bring me up when he first found out she was pregnant, he split with her and tried to persuade her to give me to him so he could bring me up in the middle East! But by the time I was old enough to remember, he was a fantastic Dad who loved me very much and supported me and my Mum both emotionally and financially.

People can be twats sometimes, it does not mean they should be denied their children or that their children should be denied one of their own parents! Until this man is physically abusive, he has a much right to be a parent to that baby as OP.

OP's ex wants to be involved with his child, and although he is going about trying to make that happen in completely the wrong way, at least he cares about his baby. How do we know that OP has behaved perfectly in all of this? We don't, he might have a reason to be so angry with her. He might not, but until we know, giving advice like 'don't let him be on the birth certificate' seems like hysterical man hating nonsense.

Clytaemnestra · 30/03/2011 22:14

"if it hasnt got my name im off' im like WTF????"

Well then, that sorts it out. Give the baby your name, then you're shot of him. He's offering it to you on a plate.

mamatomany · 30/03/2011 22:14

I mean that in the nicest possible way honestly I do but my mum had two children with a violent aggressive man and now she has two violent aggressive sons who are just like him and in the same way she couldn't live with their father she couldn't live with the sons once they hit a certain age and it wasn't very old at all.
I don't think there's been much pleasure in it for her to say the least.

zikes · 30/03/2011 22:14

Stop all contact and don't put him on the birth certificate, then.

He's not suddenly going to morph into a non-aggressive man.

ShirleyKnot · 30/03/2011 22:15

That's a shame about your closest friend, but I'm sure she has your best interests at heart. TBH, I would have advocated at least considering termination if this was earlier in your pregnancy, but I completely respect your views and choices.

If your church is supportive and are giving you good pastoral care then that is great.

Your ex has very few rights at all at this point. This is your body which is carrying his child, admittedly, but for now you must take care of yourself and the baby, so screw him. If he has stated that unless the baby has his name he's 'off' then I would grab that opportunity with both hands.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 22:15

read the thread

he is physically abusive

he doesn't care about the baby, he cares only about controlling the op

bristolcities · 30/03/2011 22:16

bubble why is it assumed physical abuse is so much worse than mental abuse. Which OP has clearly already experienced? And really she has to suffer violence first?

RitaMorgan · 30/03/2011 22:16

I would leave him off the birth certificate, give the baby your name, and hope he fucks off.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 22:16

I wondered how long it would be before the "you are all man haters" shite was spouted..

Original poster

chunkybum · 30/03/2011 22:17

your right i didnt even think of that, i have quite a nice surname too!!!
i havent been un reasonable in this relationship, i have just been me and not been anything other than a good girlfriend, i just put my kids first and was upset when i found out i was pregnant as i have been applying for a promotion at work and didnt want anymore kids for at least 5-10 years

OP posts:

bubblecoral · 30/03/2011 22:17

I cross posted with the OP, at the time I started writing, she had mentioned agression, but not violence.

Which is why I thought it was too early to start denying a child it's parent.

givemesomespace · 30/03/2011 22:17

bubblecoral what you have to understand is that plenty of those posting on this thread think that blokes simply have no useful role in raising children - that's the starting point for them

Vallhala · 30/03/2011 22:17

"although he is going about trying to make that happen in completely the wrong way, at least he cares about his baby."

Are you really that naive bubble?

He doesn't appear at all interested in the baby. If he was he wouldn't be threatening to walk off if he fails to get his own way. What he does appear to be doing is attempting to control the OP. It's pretty much text-book stuff.

SoSaysSarah · 30/03/2011 22:17

Bubble, you're living in a dream world love. I don't think you're all there

SoSaysSarah · 30/03/2011 22:18

FFS! "mentioned aggression but no violence"
wise up!

Vallhala · 30/03/2011 22:19

X posted with PAFPM, clearly I'm not the only one to think this is about control.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 22:19

aggression is violence

don't you get it, bubble ?

punching walls and being verbally aggressive so that the op is frightened is physical abuse as well as mental abuse

you really sound like an apologist for abusive men

first rule of relationships...the only acceptable level of abuse is none

RitaMorgan · 30/03/2011 22:19

givemesomespace - I don't think a shit dad is better than no dad.

chunkybum - my son has my name despite me being in a stable relationship with his dad, there's no law that children must have their father's surname.

mamatomany · 30/03/2011 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

BertieBotts · 30/03/2011 22:21

Please post on the Relationships board as well, there are loads of really experienced ladies on there. AIBU can be a bit... feisty, and Lone Parents is good but moves slowly.

Agree totally with kungfupanda. OP you seem to have your baby's interests totally at heart too. Well done for recognising the situation and getting out before the baby was born as well, I know that sounds patronising, but it really does make your position a lot easier.

Tell him he needs to man up and speak to you respectfully before you will consider giving him any access to any part of your baby's life, including the pregnancy.

Also before anyone spouts any crap, I would have given a totally different answer if the OP had posted along the lines of "My ex really wants to be involved with our baby but I just don't like him."

I don't see what the OP's and her partner's age have to do with anything either - this is unacceptable behaviour whether he was 16 or 50.

Good luck chunky :)

ShirleyKnot · 30/03/2011 22:21

Bubble, your posts just smack of man hating to me. You know, that belief that men are allowed to be 'twats' because, well, poor things aren't capable of anything else.

This man, this particular man, has been controlling, aggressive, violent, disrespectful and abusive. That's not 'twattish' that's being a vile bullying shit.

You are getting hung up on the fact that he wanted her to get an abortion - that is what makes him a shit, the rest of his behaviour us what makes him a shit.

givemesomespace · 30/03/2011 22:21

RitaMorgan I agree 100% - I stand by my previous post though

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 22:21

GMSS...do you think a bloke like this has a role in raising children ?

really ?

I expect you are on the "you are all man-haters" bandwagon too, yes ?

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