to say no to scans for ex.

[chunkybum]

So I have just got off the phone to my ex, our baby is due in 6 months.
I have asked him to decide what he would like to do for the baby etc.
he replied 'well im coming to the scans, you cant F-ing stop me'.
I explained that I was only prepared to have him there if i could trust him enough and that he needed to meet before etc for coffee or something to break the ice a bit first.
We split up on the back of him being a bit horrid and i said i couldnt see him anymore.
He has suggested that i get RID as he puts it.

I am very uncomfortable around him because he can be very aggressive too.
He then said and let me know what i need to buy for my house as ill be having the baby all weekends.
I was like 'er no, it dosent work like that, i need to be able to trust you so we can build up contact over time and the more trust you gain the more le-way ill let u have'
he then stated' you cant fucking stop me seeing my fucking kid alright, and im coming to the scan and u can stop that either'
im not happy being around someone that feels its ok to talk to me like this.
where do i stand, i dont want him at the scan, i dont want him near me at all.
is that unreasonable, to not allow him there, and to want limited contact till i can trust him properly.
he does not have a brilliant track record with aggression and im genuinly scared that he would loose it with the baby, not hit the baby, just shout lots and swear lots.
Also I want to breast feed but he says he will give the baby a bottle when he has him/her. I dont want the baby to have a bottle as my other kids have allergies/ intollerances to dairy!!!!
i have posted this in loan parents before i knew this AIBU bit was here. sorry!!!

[pigletmania]

bubblecoaral what planet are you from? how insensitive! This man has proved that he is aggressive and unstable, and she is worried about his behaviour round the baby, would you want your child exposed to that or have him in the scan with that awful temper and attitude! Yes he does have to prove that he can be trusted, the child's wellbeing and welfare is paramount. The op is not preventing him access, just that it should be gradual until he can prove that he can be trusted, whats wrong with that!

[saffy85]

"you can't stp me seeing my fucking kid, alright?" Sounds like the words of a nasty control freak talking about a posession, not the words of a loving daddy to be, anxious to play a part in this child's life.

Unless he has a total personality transplant by the time you give birth I'd do what others have said- leave him off the birth certificate, give baby your surname and hope your ex sods off out your lives.

[chunkybum]

he knew i didnt want children and while i was upset i knew i couldnt get rid of the baby.
i hav had a scan, well 2 actually as i have had lots of bleeding, there is some implantation bleeding that is quite heavy but baby is fine.
he came to the first of these scans with one of our mutual friends that is a girl and told the sonographer that we were lesbians and he was a sperm donor, needless to say she didnt find it very funny considering the circumstances.
he threw a photoframe at the wall last week cos i wouldnt take a day off work to see him, i have 4 kids to feed ffs! I can honestly say i dont think he would ever hit me, my kids or the baby, but he will be physical to the wall, chairs, etc in front of me and did scream at me once when i met him at my house and the kids woke up! (i obviously made him leave at that point as they dont know him)

[bubblecoral]

Val, my ex tried to control me for a while, but just because he was a shit partner does not make him a shit Dad. I put up with a couple of years of crap from him, but now that everything is settled my children get a wonderful Father for as long as he is alive.

I just think that Fathers are too important to dismiss before a child is even born, that's all. He should be given a chace to be a Dad. If he blows it, he blows it, but it is wrong to take the chance away from him before the baby is here. As mothers don't most of us feel ourselves change as people when we have babies?

He may be trying to control the OP, but then at the momnet she is the one pregnant with all the control, so she's not in that bad a position! Immature men say stupid things when their future relationship with their own children is in the hands of someone else.

[pigletmania]

bubble thats why contact should be gradual until he can prove that he is a good father. The reason as to why the OP is saying this is that he has been aggressive and controlling, there is a valid reason behind it.

[wineclub]

Him 'blowing it' may not be inconsequential' if he blows it by shaking the baby or throwing the baby against a wall. People who can't control their tempers shouldn't be in sole charge of newborns. Its difficult when you aren't explosive by nature.

[PeterAndreForPM]

this isn't about taking away his chance to "be a father" for ever, bubble

nobody has said that

whilst he is behaving like this though, he forfeits his chance and OP must keep him at a distance

if he can prove he can behave calmly and fairly, perhaps she could start to trust him

I wouldn't at the moment though

punching walls, throwing chairs and making vile threats ?

yeah, great daddy

[ledkr]

you owe him nothing.Maybe the arguement about his rights would hold more water if he was not an aggresive arsehole.

[pigletmania]

he sounds more than twattish tbh, throwing things, punching walls, what next throwing or shaking a baby because he/she wont stop crying. Sorry the babies welfare comes first and if there are concerns now about his behaviour contact should be supervised. He sounds very immature and childlike, I would not like my child in sole care of this individual sorry I would not. The op is the mum, she has to look after the best interests of this child, if anyting happens to it she will have to pick up the pieces and live with it for the rest of her life.

[Vallhala]

I give up.

[pigletmania]

Aggressive, immature, controlling, prone to violence (even if it is at furniture)

[BertieBotts]

If he's behaving like that in front of you then he would have hurt you if you'd stayed together, no doubt about it. There are posts here every few weeks, sometimes several in a week, where women have been assaulted by their partners. Every single one I've ever read has always said something along the lines of "I never thought he would be like this. I knew he had a temper but I really, really, never in a million years thought he would hit me."

Oh, also, I never thought XP would ever be violent towards me either. Absolutely knew that was a line he'd never cross. I only realised much much later after I left that in fact there was a particular incident where he hurt me and that that is violence just as much as hitting is. In fact some abusers labour under the false delusion that as long as they don't actually hit, it's not violence.

In fact the fact he's still behaving like this since the split (I assume last week is since the split?) worries me, a lot. You are in control at the moment, though he's trying desparately to convince you otherwise, and that puts you in danger if he's scared he might lose control completely. I would definitely not let him in the house again unless you have someone there with you.

Bubble if he's that decent a person to have the capability of being a decent Dad, he'll realise how shittily he's treated chunky already, understand why she might not be that happy to see him, and be prepared to act rationally and go through the legal channels to see his child.

[TandB]

To those who think the OP should give this guy a chance - would you hand a baby over to someone who is screaming and shouting and punching the wall?

If you wouldn't do it when he is actually behaving like that then you shouldn't do it until he has had a damn good go at proving that he WON'T behave like that again.

Otherwise you are simply gambling with the safety of a someone completely helpless and dependant.

And no, I am not a man-hater. I did family law when I was training and it used to drive me nuts that women held all the cards and got away with denying access to perfectly reasonable men just because it wasn't convenient. Howeverm I would never in a million years suggest that a woman offers unsupervised contact to a man with a track record of violent aggression.

[PeterAndreForPM]

bubble, really, your advice is at best hideously misplaced and at worst, downright dangerous

I think you are projecting your own tolerance towards an abusive man here

[bubblecoral]

I would completely agree that he should be buiding up trust and it should be a gradual process!

My first post was in response to post that said 'I wouldn't let him withing 10 miles of my child ever' and make him to to court for DNA tests'. All of which were posted before anything other than him shouting rubbish was mentioned.

But maybe most people on this thread have a crystal ball.

[chunkybum]

im sorry i didnt mean to start an arguement between you guys i just wanted some advice,
why would i be mad to have this baby???
my best friend thinks the same btw, im not ARGUING, im just curious as to why you think its ok for me to terminate this baby??
it didnt ask to be concieved, it didnt ask to be here, and yes i will be lumbered with this guy for 18 years but i deal with the other 4 kids absent twat of a father so why not one more to deal with???

[PeterAndreForPM]

we can see a pattern, bubble

there is a script, and twats like this follow it to the letter

it's so predictable it would make you laugh if it wasn't so scary

no crystal ball required

[ShirleyKnot]

Oh. I get it.

[Vallhala]

As I said, bubble, it's text book stuff. That's why he wouldn't come withoin 10 miles of my children or I if I were the OP. No crystal ball required.

[AyeRobot]

Did you post about this the other night? With the email to his Mum?

I agree with the doing it alone until he can prove he can grow the fuck up crew.

[AyeRobot]

Or rather, did he post as you? It all got a bit confusing.

[chunkybum]

i am going to speak to a solicitor asap!!!
I dont want him at the scan but our mutual friend has said she cant go if i dont let him cos then it looks like she is taking sides????
i dont know how to feel now.
I AM KEEPING this baby. that is definate! I have seen its heart beating and i could not just kill it now!
decision made!!
I do however need to rearrage my scan so i can go alone if i have to and not have him there ruining it for me.
heck these next few years will be hard work on my own but hey, even if he has contact he has just lost his job and hasnt held down a job for longer than 6 months so i doubt ill get child support anyway!

[pigletmania]

We dont have a crystal ball, but his behaviour now is a good indicator of how he will be like in the future and with a baby, it is worrying, its not twattish its violent, aggressive, controlling and immature. The op is the mother she has to look after the babies welfare and if she feels that she cannot trust her baby around this individual than so be it. It will have to be gradual, starting with Supervised access and building up if he proves himself.

[chunkybum]

aye robot, i have no idea what u are talking about, but someone else asked me that as well yesterday

[ShirleyKnot]

I'd appreciate it if you would stop using such emotive language when talking about terminations. There are many people on this site who have had to terminate pregnancies for many reasons and your terminology is grossly offensive.

One person on this thread said they thought you were mad for having this baby, and I said that I would also have urged you to consider terminating, under this set of circumstances. I was respectful to you and I would like you to bear that in mind.