to say no to scans for ex.

[chunkybum]

So I have just got off the phone to my ex, our baby is due in 6 months.
I have asked him to decide what he would like to do for the baby etc.
he replied 'well im coming to the scans, you cant F-ing stop me'.
I explained that I was only prepared to have him there if i could trust him enough and that he needed to meet before etc for coffee or something to break the ice a bit first.
We split up on the back of him being a bit horrid and i said i couldnt see him anymore.
He has suggested that i get RID as he puts it.

I am very uncomfortable around him because he can be very aggressive too.
He then said and let me know what i need to buy for my house as ill be having the baby all weekends.
I was like 'er no, it dosent work like that, i need to be able to trust you so we can build up contact over time and the more trust you gain the more le-way ill let u have'
he then stated' you cant fucking stop me seeing my fucking kid alright, and im coming to the scan and u can stop that either'
im not happy being around someone that feels its ok to talk to me like this.
where do i stand, i dont want him at the scan, i dont want him near me at all.
is that unreasonable, to not allow him there, and to want limited contact till i can trust him properly.
he does not have a brilliant track record with aggression and im genuinly scared that he would loose it with the baby, not hit the baby, just shout lots and swear lots.
Also I want to breast feed but he says he will give the baby a bottle when he has him/her. I dont want the baby to have a bottle as my other kids have allergies/ intollerances to dairy!!!!
i have posted this in loan parents before i knew this AIBU bit was here. sorry!!!

oh and BTW i dont shop at asds, i got to morrisons and sainsburys and i go shopping when the children are in bed and my mum looks after them for an hour so i can doa weekly shop. not that i ned to justify myself to you anyway.

thanks but i still think im donte posting on here, its all a little to heated for me.
best of luck though to all of those who gave me great advice.

has she stayed??

Don't tell him when your scans are. That is down to you.

As he's being an aggressive arse, I'd personally stop all contact with him and tell him he needs to communicate with you preferably via his lawyer, or at the very least by email only. Then you'll have a written record of all dealings with him and can reply in your own time, as and when you feel it is necessary only.

You can call the baby whatever you like. Make sure you register the birth on your own (ie not with him present) then you legally CAN'T name the father *in England anyway) without him present. He will have to either be with you to amend at some later date, or apply via the courts to be named as father on birth cert. Once he is on birth cert he will have Parental Responsibility.

He can gain PR without being on the BC, by gaing a PR order from the court.

Chunkybum, as everyone has said, SAY NO.

1. Speak to your midwife and explain your fear and situation. the earlier you set your feelings to paper the earlier you can feel secure that he will be refused access to the hospital when you have scans, attend appointments and give birth. You need time to bond, not to be afraid and upset.

1. Do not register the baby with his surname.......you do not have to and the baby will be stuck with this name forever, even with deedpoll the origional name is still there on a certificate. Do you want him to be able to obtain a passport for your child, or for you to be questioned at airports as to who the child you have is?

1. Speak to a solicitor now, he is entitled to contact, but supervised and if you are EBF then the baby needs to be with you for feeding. Let him be the one to apply through the court for access and request he undertakes anger management and parent craft classes. State you fear for the babys welfare and also the welfare of your other children as weekends are there time with a new sibling and do not want them to experience seperation anxiety and lack of bond, as you have FIVE KIDS, nor FOUR AND A BABY WITH ANOTHER MAN!

YANBU
i was in the same situation, abusive nasty ex. i didnt tell him about my 20 weeks scan, even though he wanted to go. I turn up, sit in the waiting room and guess who walks in the only way he could've found out was by phoning the hospital for my appointment day and time. i didnt think they were allowed to give out that info so be careful.

Of course he can't go to the scans unless you invite him to join you. This is just a detail though, the bigger issue is his aggressive, controlling attitude.

I agree with Panda above, keep a diary now, include retrospective incidents / conversations / dates. I think it's now standard for MW to ask if you're at risk of domestic violence when they first see you. I would recommend that you explain your situation and concerns. Start now to protect your future.