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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to scans for ex.

160 replies

chunkybum · 30/03/2011 21:44

So I have just got off the phone to my ex, our baby is due in 6 months.
I have asked him to decide what he would like to do for the baby etc.
he replied 'well im coming to the scans, you cant F-ing stop me'.
I explained that I was only prepared to have him there if i could trust him enough and that he needed to meet before etc for coffee or something to break the ice a bit first.
We split up on the back of him being a bit horrid and i said i couldnt see him anymore.
He has suggested that i get RID as he puts it.

I am very uncomfortable around him because he can be very aggressive too.
He then said and let me know what i need to buy for my house as ill be having the baby all weekends.
I was like 'er no, it dosent work like that, i need to be able to trust you so we can build up contact over time and the more trust you gain the more le-way ill let u have'
he then stated' you cant fucking stop me seeing my fucking kid alright, and im coming to the scan and u can stop that either'
im not happy being around someone that feels its ok to talk to me like this.
where do i stand, i dont want him at the scan, i dont want him near me at all.
is that unreasonable, to not allow him there, and to want limited contact till i can trust him properly.
he does not have a brilliant track record with aggression and im genuinly scared that he would loose it with the baby, not hit the baby, just shout lots and swear lots.
Also I want to breast feed but he says he will give the baby a bottle when he has him/her. I dont want the baby to have a bottle as my other kids have allergies/ intollerances to dairy!!!!
i have posted this in loan parents before i knew this AIBU bit was here. sorry!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
chunkybum · 30/03/2011 21:57

he has already said 'im choosing the babys name and its having my surname', i said 'we can discuss that nearer the time' he then said' if it hasnt got my name im off' im like WTF????
we were only together for 6 months when i got pregnant, we were careless and i took the map but i had a virus and myself and the kids were all very sick that weekend, and it hasnt worked. I have 4 other children with my exH. He sees them on and off about every 3 months.
I am aware that i have been stupid to let this happen, i was in a very bad place when my ex left and i made a bad choice in this guy. Im not excusing that i got pregnant, im just explaining.
he wasnt aggressive or angry till i got pregnant, looking on womens aid website apparently thats common.

OP posts:
saffy85 · 30/03/2011 21:58

YANBU at all, the scans are lovely as I'm sure you know yourself. Don't let this nasty charmless wanker spoil this time for you. Like others said don't tell him when the scans are that way he wont be there.

As for access, with that attitude of his he wont get very far. Even if you don't EBF I doubt they'd rule in his favour for having a newborn for an entire weekend. I'd let him go to court, like I said if he's an obviously aggressive person he wont get far. He clearly isn't very bright as if he was he'd be as nice and agreeable to you as possible in order to go to the scans.

bubblecoral · 30/03/2011 21:58

Shock that people are suggesting that Op should make the Father go to court to see his own child, and that she should deliberately leave his name off the birth certificate!

Unfuckingbelievable!

He doesn't have a right to go to the scans, but he does have a right to be a Father to his own child, and the child has the right to it's Father!

It's no wonder we have so many social problems in this country with attitudes like some of those on this thread around.

ninedragons · 30/03/2011 21:59

Tell him to get the fuck out of your life and get a restraining order.

Usually I am all for DCs keeping close contact with their fathers but this guy sounds like he'd do damage. He sounds vile.

And without meaning to sound harsh, please make sure your next partner is a better human being. Nobody deserves to be with an arsehole like that, let alone have that arsehole as a father.

ddubsgirl · 30/03/2011 22:00

as someone else said dont tell when you go to reg the birth,if he isnt there you cant put down his name on the cerficate nor give the baby his last name,do you really want the bubs to have his name?he sounds very inmature and controlling.

jellybeans · 30/03/2011 22:00

YANBU at all. Don't tell him or let him attend scans and don't register him as father. Don't give him access unless you have to, which won't be at all if he carries on like this. What sort of father would say they were giving bottles regardless of the baby being breastfed!! Sounds spiteful and immature. Tell the midwives etc about the stress he is causing and get it on record.

Original poster
chunkybum · 30/03/2011 22:01

can he force me to give the baby his surname

OP posts:
oldraver · 30/03/2011 22:01

trois not true. When you involve CSA there is what is called 'presumed paternity' (in other words they take your word for it) and he is liable for maintenence immediately... its up to him to prove otherwise

ShirleyKnot · 30/03/2011 22:01

Wind your neck in bubblecoral. Social problems are caused by feckless fathers as much as by single women so sort your head out.

OP - do you have RL support?

wineclub · 30/03/2011 22:02

I my dcs father was a violent twat I would try to make access difficult too. What sane person wants to had over a bf newborn to an aggressive domineering lout?

Vallhala · 30/03/2011 22:02

bubblecoral, some of us don't believe in having a father in their life or their child's life at any cost.

TandB · 30/03/2011 22:02

The OP is apparently being bullied by someone who is clearly hell-bent on asserting his rights at the expense of the child. The OP's primary duty of care is to the child's physical safety and well-being. All other considerations come after that. If the ex is going to be this aggressive and controlling then it might be sensible for the OP to reduce his level of control by putting herself in a position where he has to approach her through formal channels, rather than being able to push into her life in a negative way.

The advice that has been given seems to be based on that view.

ddubsgirl · 30/03/2011 22:03

no he cant hun xxxxxeven if he is with you you are the mother you have 1st choice on name

TandB · 30/03/2011 22:03

Or what Shirleyknot said - much shorter and to the point!

No, OP - he can't insist on his surname.

Vallhala · 30/03/2011 22:04

You can call your baby whatever YOU like chunky. My own DDs have my surname on their birth cert.

zikes · 30/03/2011 22:05

No, he cannot make you give the child his name.

You do not have to put him on the birth certificate. You have the power here currently and if he wants parental rights etc he would have to fight for them legally, if you choose not to register him as the father.

ddubsgirl · 30/03/2011 22:05

i know the law was due to change on that you have to name the father but you chose what name the baby has

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

saffy85 · 30/03/2011 22:06

" that people are suggesting that Op should make the Father go to court to see his own child, and that she should deliberately leave his name off the birth certificate!"

But if he's aggressive and nasty court appointed access is probably the only feasible way to sort out access. He doesn't sound like a very reasonable person, does he? There needs to be a go between in situations like this. Court might be best option.

I'm all for fathers having the right to see their kids, but the kids' rights should come first- they are the ones stuck in the middle, and it isn't healthy for a child to witness or be on the receiving end of a parent's bullying behaviour. This guy sounds like a bully.

Original poster
chunkybum · 30/03/2011 22:07

I dont think he would hit the baby but he has regularly punched walls and thrown things since we have been together, he lives with his mum and today wile on the phone to him they had a ding dong and I was Shock just listening to aggressive shouting and swearing between the two of them,
I hung up the phone as it was simply horrid.
All i care about is my kids. luckily i did not allow him to build a relationship with my other children as i thought this was innapropriate. Im now glad as they are none the wiser that i have ended the relationship!

OP posts:
bristolcities · 30/03/2011 22:07

Of course he can't. you, I would imagine will be doing the majority if not all of the caring. Why would you want your child having some one other than your second name? My DS has mine and im so so pleased he has.

bubble, the problem is not having POSATIVE male role models. Does this man fit the criteria? I don't think so.

ShirleyKnot · 30/03/2011 22:09

Your other children must be little as well OP, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I really think you need to look for some support in RL, are you close to your family, do you have good friends who you can lean on?

kingbeat23 · 30/03/2011 22:10

If the father is registered at the time of birth (getting the birth cert.) then he has parental rights, if he isn't named then he doesn't. If, in the future, you decide that you want him down as the father he can be added, but not the other way around (he can't be removed).

Sounds like you know what is the right thing to do here and you need a bit of hand-holding whilst you do it....i'm holding away kidda! :D

Original poster
chunkybum · 30/03/2011 22:10

i have some rl support, my best friend has voiced her opinion that i should not keep the baby so im stearing clear at the mo.
My mum is supportive but said she wants him no where near her house ever or her grandchildren.
my other friends are mostly frinds of us both and i have a good church network.
I regularly attend church and even tho i am pregnant they are very very supportive of my decision to have this baby alone with my other children.

OP posts:
mamatomany · 30/03/2011 22:10

Why would you want to have this mans baby though ? You already have 4 children and you want to lumber yourself with this tit for the next 18 years ? Really ?

You could meet somebody lovely and save yourself a whole heap of trouble.

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