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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making a 4 year old prepare her own packed lunches ?

200 replies

OnEdge · 30/03/2011 00:13

I have recently began making her pack her own lunches the night before pre school, put the bag in the fridge, carry it the next day and then when she gets home, she empties it, washes the bag out and puts it away.

I just mentioned this on facebook to my friend who was moaning about having to do all the lunches. She seemed a bit shocked that I make her do it.

Am I expecting too much from her? She also empties the dishwasher every day and puts some clothes away into the wardrobe.

I thought that if she was old enough to be able to do it then she ought to do it for herself. I do use it as a chance to discuss nutrition. As she chooses stuff to go in it, we talk about why it is healthy or not. (that sounds a bit smug but I'm really not normally) I have noticed that since she has started doing it herself it comes home empty too.

OP posts:
Thomcat · 30/03/2011 14:02

My 5 yr old would loveto be able to make her own packed lunch every day, I think that's a great idea. She has compulsory school dinners though so no chance of that.

However she does make her own bed every day and properly tidy her room. Her elder sister is disabled so she makes her bed for her too and she has a younger sister who is not yet quite able to manage on her own so she helps her younger sister.

She wants to help out so I let her and know I know she can do certain things it's not become part of the usual routine so now she HAS to make her own bed every day and tidy her room.

IQuiteLikeVodka · 30/03/2011 14:03

on the other hand he has recently shown an interest in learning to cook and prepare meals,I have taken the opportunity to teach him (and it helps that he has the interest or it would be pretty pointless

mathanxiety · 30/03/2011 20:34

FWIW, there is no way your child should be sitting in the front seat. It is highly dangerous and car manufacturers warn against it.

Apart from the danger of that particular 'treat' there is the danger which you are veering towards, of making this particular child your little trained stand-in, a sort of mini-me. Adultification of a child is as inappropriate as infantilisation is. Putting your child up there in the front of the car or having her do household tasks that a cleaner or your DH or you could do represents adultification imo. It will do emotional damage.

Despite your protestations of wanting to have her self-reliant, independent, etc., 25 years down the road, I think some of your motivation comes from feeling sorry for yourself and a desire to avoid the drudgery of caring for a household that includes a lot of very small children yourself. I also think that thinking 25 years down the road may be clouding your judgement as to what is in the best interests of a 4 year old. Most anxiety of that sort is rooted in fear, and I think you should get to grips with that, try to sort out if you are being overwhelmed by it, and try to relax.

'I also want them to respect Me and DH and appreciate what hard work goes into it all.' Why? She didn't ask to be included in any of this. Again, this situation is something you and your DH chose, not the choice of the child who happened to be born first.

There has been no mention of play or outings that are fun for this child, or friends of hers. I assume this is just an oversight and that she has time to play and to do childish things with little friends, and that you make an effort as a family to have outings that are fun for a 4 year old on a regular basis.

It is never wise to take advantage of a willing child, or to push one too much.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 30/03/2011 21:01

I can give you two sides to this Smile

My Mom had her four children in two 'sets' with a 12 year gap. With the eldest two, she was like OnEdge with them. Always encouraging them to help, and to see cause and effetc etc, she was mostly a single mom and whilst they were kids (under 12) they were great and acted like a close unit. Then teenage years hit and every ounce of these teachings were forgotten and constant battles ensued.

Fast forward 12 years

With my Dsis and I my mom said no way, too much hassle quicker to do it herself, (she actually enjoyed doing things for us anyway by her own admission) we did the odd thing like aim at the washing basket, but mostly my mom did everything. when we hit teens.....nothing changed! no arguments as no expectation of us to actually do anything, and she found everything quicker doing it herself when we were kids compared to when my sis n bro were kids. She also said we all started to do things without being asked by mid teens anyway so the battles were for nothing!

Just a different take on things... Grin

MsToni · 30/03/2011 21:12

My little man is 21.3 months and he picks fruits / vegs he wants in his snack box, puts them in the box, puts the box in his backpack and drags it along as we get set to leave for the nursery.....he'd throw a fit if I try to help :) I guess he's asserting himself / developing his will....

If she's happy to do it, you do it together and offer help when she needs it, I suppose its fine. Its fostering independence and it wont hurt her.

swallowedAfly · 30/03/2011 21:15

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swallowedAfly · 30/03/2011 21:17

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WMDinthekitchen · 30/03/2011 21:43

If she does it willingly. Possibly makes her feel grown up? Like Trout, I have a teenager who is inert when it comes to helping in the house. And as for her room - I expect her to keep it clean, tidy, bed linen changed etc. She does none of these - her bed has a "bonfire" of clothing on it. My way of dealing with it? Say, 'I am not surprised you can't find your blouse/PE kit etc etc,' and if she leaves it open, I shut the door on it. My room isn't like it, nor are any of the others in the house. I reserve nagging for exam revision - far, far more important IMO

saffy85 · 30/03/2011 21:48

YANBU my 3 year old loves "helping" me. Her favourite catchphrase is "I can do it myself!"

Mind you, give it a few years and I bet she'll go the oppsite way. Your DD sounds like she enjoys helping to make her own lunch and if it encourages her to want to eat it all that's even better.

prettyfly1 · 30/03/2011 21:54

MMMM... hard one. My five year old keeps his bedroom tidy and does a proper clean round his room with polish and the hoover on a monday night which he loves because he feels grown up. I had a mum however who treated me like a domestic slave from about his age onwards so I dont want him doing too much right now unless he asks - I think its about balance. Forcing a four year old to empty the dishwasher and fold away their clothes sounds too much, encouraging them if they want to do it is fine.

medicalmayhem · 30/03/2011 21:59

emptying dishwasher is a bit much, especially if there is sharp knives etc, i would be more inclined to teach to look after her own things at the mo, rather than doing household chores

notsohappymummy · 30/03/2011 22:05

you are horrible. let her be a child.
love
moody, unhappy, mummy.

seeker · 31/03/2011 09:33

Being a child doesn't mean also being useless.

Show me a pre-schooler that doesn't like helping out, and I'll give you a tenner.

And show me a pre-schooler that doesn't feel a foot taller when allowed to do real stuff with real things and I'll give you another.

MosEisley · 31/03/2011 09:35

YANBU. If she is happy and healthy, taking responsibility for her own things, well, you're doing fine and so is she. Good on you.

duchesse · 31/03/2011 09:43

Make the most if it OP- it doesn't last (spontaneously at least) into their teens. DS used to do all sorts of things at that age that he can now no longer do.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 31/03/2011 09:49

OK, I did think it was unfair. But when I read your OP and especially the bit about teaching her to do a load of washing from laundry bin to hanging out on the line, I did have visions of you calling out "Mary, can you put the whites on?" while the adults sat round with the Dairy Box and tv remote Wink

However, if it's more that you want to involve her then I can't see anything wrong with that.

LaWeasel · 31/03/2011 09:57

I think if she's joining in with you, that's fine.

Or if it's just the lunches, then, eh, I suppose that's okay.

But altogether it is too much IMO.

My mum thinks she did the right thing 'teaching' us how to be independent. When really we were just neglected and left to get on with things as best we could.

HipHopopotomus · 31/03/2011 10:03

My 3.5 year old is gagging to get into the kitchen and prepare ANYTHING at all, at any opportunity. She loves doing things for herself - she doesn't have packed lunches as she has meals at nursery but there one of the highlights of her day is if she is one of the kids chosen to help set the tables etc, and she is very proud to scrape her own plate, put cutler away etc.

I'm now quite PG and DD wants to scoot everywhere so I have taught her how to carry her scooter up & down the stairs to our flat (preparing in advance for when I will have baby in carrycot, buggy etc) and she has figured out how to do it and she is very proud of being able to manage it.

If she wants to take a bag with her when we go out (usually with bits & bobs that get ignored for the day) she is allowed to, but these days it is on the condition that she must look after the bag herself all day, which she does. She's also very good at putting away toys, puzzles etc after herself.

OP YANBU - I agree with you re getting kids involved around the house, and in their own lives. Everything in moderation is in no way stealing childhood.

littleducks · 31/03/2011 11:01

My dd woulsd think you were the best mum ever! She made her own lunch one day after begging and begging, I was a bit worried that she wouldnt eat her crumbly, wonky sandwich when it got to lunch time but she did, I dont like her doing it as it takes much longer than me.

My kids 4 and 2 help sort dirty clothes into colour piles and 'play the sock game' aka pairing up the clean socks.

orangeeyebrows · 31/03/2011 11:11

could you get the younger ones to do the internet shopping,

then the four year old could pack it all away and cook the dinner

then you wont have to drag yourself away from the laptop/telly very much at all :)

Animation · 31/03/2011 12:39

Well basically I think 4 year olds ought to be still playing house in their Wendy Houses really - not doing the real thing!

seeker · 31/03/2011 12:46

Why?

seeker · 31/03/2011 12:49

I had to change the sock game pretty sharpish when I heard my dd muttering under her breath - "No, that's not right. These two can't be friends - they're different colours"!

CFAW · 31/03/2011 12:54

I think yabu. My son is very independent but i wouldn't expect him to do his own lunch. but what ever floats your boat.

BringBackGoingForGold · 31/03/2011 13:00

OnEdge, I think you're doing it in the right way (involving her, doing it alongside her) and that's what matters. Totally agree all kids ? of both genders! ? should be brought up to realise that tasks don't get done themselves.

She's your daughter and you know when/if she's ready to take things on. You'll end up with decent kids who always offer to wash up when people have had them round for dinner, and are completely capable of looking after themselves when they leave home and not have to bring washing home etc.