to detest splitting the bill?

[poopnscoop]

I have never thought it a good idea, as there are those who have 3 courses and drink a lot, and there are those who eat much less, and don't drink at all. But I have always gone along with it, not to cause a rumpus, and feeling I might just be being petty.

I had surgery a couple of months ago, I can only eat very little. I eat a starter/bowl of soup only, if that. I battle to get through a half pint of beer/fruit juice.

Last night I was out with 6 pals, as usual at the end they assumed the £215 bill would be split. I could see my friend (the banker) tot everything up, obviously there was a shortfall.

She looks to me 'Poop, have you put in your share of the bill?'

'Yes', I reply, 'my starter and drink came to £7.80, I have put in £10. More than my fair share'.

Her face went red. I honestly think none of them ever given any thought to what people are actually eating/drinking! They want to split the bill, non the less. Seems I have broken some secret social law.

It had to be done at last. I feel I have subsidised their drinks/meals long enough... but now that I am having even less than usual, enough is enough.

AIBU?

YANBU, I do the same thing. Before anyone even mentions splitting, I grab the bill and loudly proclaim "I had THAT, and THAT, and, oh, THAT".

It's just fair, and I'm on the "put more in my gob than most others" camp. I wouldn't feel right about someone else subsidising my wine food bill.

KatieWatie exactly - it's not friendly to have some people sitting with nothing while other have starters, in either direction.

Puddings are a bit different because you have eaten by then, but teh idea of someone sitting with an empty plate, having not eaten anything yet, makes me sad. Maybe that means I am a person who would notice if someone was eating less and so the whole discussion is moot.

I still find approximations of "everyone who was drinking pay £35, everyone who wasn't pay £25" nicer than getting the calculators out (replace everyone who had 3 courses vs 2 as necessary), but maybe the numbers there give the price range of the sort of place I go to with groups. No-one will be £20 out of pocket because it is not possible to have £20 more of food than someone else, except in very unusual conditions like the OPs.

Actually if I were out to dinner with someone who couldn't eat very much for medical reasons I would be being very nosey about it and probably annoy her all night asking 'what does it feel like? what about liquids?' etc so there's no chance of forgetting.

(btw please note Trillian-nothing-else vs TrillianAstra)

Actually I don't see why I as the person who eats and drinks little should point it out at the beginning of the meal. In my case it's embarrassing to say I'm not having much because I can't afford it. Being the annoying one who at the start of yet another meal says can we pay for what we each have and gets the rolling eyes and the you're such a scrooge look. It happens, believe me and ruins the night out for me.

I go out with a set amount of money that I can spend and won't order more than it's value. Surely if other people know how much money they can afford too they can order accordingly and then they won't have to assume the bill is split so they can have more than their fair share.
This is why I only go out with certain people now because otherwise my evening is ruined by the stress of a money situation that I can't control.

Comments like not being fans of tightwads etc just add to the misery of having no money.

Isn't it a good thing I've stopped going out

I know in this instance it wasn't affordibility for the op but the principle is the same.

AKissIsNotAContract - a few quid could be a bus fare to do the shopping or a school trip for a child. Do you not read the threads on here?

I don't buy rounds as I don't drink and only need one or two soft drinks in a night for lubrication. Neither do I accept drinks as part of someone else round though. I just say I'm fine thanks and visit the bar inbetween rounds to get my own.

I'm going to get off this thread now cos it's bad enough having to be careful on an evening out but to be made to feel shit about it too is too much.

I agree with you bronze - why should I have to make a special point, at the start of any meal, to say what amounts to "I have significantly less (disposable) money than you"? It is embarassing. Some people interpret it as I am being mean rather than skint.

I feel that a lot of the cat's bum faces at people ruining the atmosphere at the end of a lovely meal by bickering about money have obviously not been in a situation where they have to watch what they spend. Lucky ol' them.

stopped going out... much. I missed a word off

Bonzo we should go and for a meal

I agree Bonzo and bronze ... especially in today's climate of economic recession etc. Many people are going through really hard financial times and a night out with pals is such a stress relief, even on a tight budget... and then to have it made obvious too (by mentioning it), makes it no fun. Just quietly paying your share is far nicer (and inconspicuous).

I really do go for the 'pay for what you eat and drink, plus a fair tip' scenario. Best all round.

I hate splitting the bill too. Actually I started a thread about this on here about 5 years ago and the consensus then was that I was being mean and petty!!

I think it's fine to split if you've all had about the same but for me the crux of the issue is that everyone has different budgets and eats/drinks according to their own. What can happen is that those who are less well off end up feeling they can't ever come out for a meal and that's a shame.

TrillianAstra 'Actually if I were out to dinner with someone who couldn't eat very much for medical reasons I would be being very nosey about it and probably annoy her all night asking 'what does it feel like? what about liquids?' etc so there's no chance of forgetting.'

Oh I have plenty of 'nosey' and interested pals, believe you me haha! And the questions have been fast and furious sometimes, especially at the beginning, when I was on liquids for a couple of months.

I do not like being the centre of attention though, and it does get embarrassing for me, when a friend might want to talk about it all night (I don't like monopolising convos), and especially if someone starts exclaiming re all my weight loss loudly in front of strangers or people I hardly know. I could just die when that happens. A quiet word is great (and much appreciated as it's been bladdy hard work for me, and of much stress for my DH and fam).

There's been an interesting amount of either (a) total support for me, and (b) derision at the 'choice' I made to have this surgery.

Actually there was no choice, my asthma was so bad I was heading for a lung transplant within 10 years (I am mid 30s) the respiratory specialist told me, were I to not stop this cycle of steroid use due to asthma > weight gain > asthma worsens > more steroid use > more weight gain...

This op has literally saved my life I can BREATHE.

YANBU and when in similar situations my friends will usually say "Pink, you didn't have wine/much so just pay £x"

I can't be doing with 'I had the fish and that was £1-30 less than the steak', but it is only good manners when divvying up to allow for non-drinkers, scanty eaters, those with more children who had meals, or whatever.

I think usually it's OK, if we're "all in this together".

However if someone is eating very little like yourself OP, isn't drinking when everyone else is knocking back the wine/cocktails, is PG or otherwise consuming at an obviously different level, then clearly its not unreasonable to pay less. You aren't there to subsidise your mates are you?

I have a friend I only eat out with if I'm feeling VERY flush (or more likely not at all these days) as he always orders expensive wine and lots of it (as well as consuming it at a rapid rate), and these days I'm more than happy with just a glass or 2 of the house stuff.

'Being the annoying one who at the start of yet another meal says can we pay for what we each have and gets the rolling eyes and the you're such a scrooge look. It happens, believe me and ruins the night out for me.'

bronze For some people, who like to split a meal because 'that's what's done', (with no mind for other people's financial circumstances)... saying you would like to pay for your share only would probably irritate them no matter what... whether you said it at the beginning/during/after the meal.

Some people in this thread have said they prefer splitting the bill but wouldn't mind it if someone said this before the meal, but many people (I have come across this in acquaintances/work colleagues) are irritated by this no matter when you mention it.

It's a no win situation often, sadly. Hence my post.

It's the kind of thing that works perfectly if there's a bit of common sense applied by all but one or two stubborn bastards can ruin.
If you have a situation where someones meal was a good deal less than the average or they were a non-drinker etc. then I can't see why anyone would have a problem with them paying their share and the rest splitting. However they should speak up becasue tbh at the end of a boozy meal people just may not think of it, not out of malice just because they've been drinking and having a laugh for 3 or so hours.
Also obviously don't take the piss by ordering the most expensive meal and wine if there's a good deal of discrepency between the prices of the dishes and expect others to foot your expensive tastes.

There are far too many of these stubborn b@statrds in the world