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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to detest splitting the bill?

190 replies

poopnscoop · 29/03/2011 09:15

I have never thought it a good idea, as there are those who have 3 courses and drink a lot, and there are those who eat much less, and don't drink at all. But I have always gone along with it, not to cause a rumpus, and feeling I might just be being petty.

I had surgery a couple of months ago, I can only eat very little. I eat a starter/bowl of soup only, if that. I battle to get through a half pint of beer/fruit juice.

Last night I was out with 6 pals, as usual at the end they assumed the £215 bill would be split. I could see my friend (the banker) tot everything up, obviously there was a shortfall.

She looks to me 'Poop, have you put in your share of the bill?'

'Yes', I reply, 'my starter and drink came to £7.80, I have put in £10. More than my fair share'.

Her face went red. Hmm I honestly think none of them ever given any thought to what people are actually eating/drinking! They want to split the bill, non the less. Seems I have broken some secret social law.

It had to be done at last. I feel I have subsidised their drinks/meals long enough... but now that I am having even less than usual, enough is enough.

AIBU?

OP posts:
suzikettles · 29/03/2011 10:34

started? Starter. Sorry am dosed up to the eyeballs.

ENormaSnob · 29/03/2011 10:39

Yanbu but it would've been better saying at the beginning of the meal or at least while she was totting up the bill.

2blessed2bstressed · 29/03/2011 10:41

I don't neccessarily think that yab entirely u, but agree with others that it does sound a little bit passive/aggressive.
You might have expected other people to have noticed that you were eating less or picked up on your hints about only paying for what you had - but if you didn't make it clear to everyone at the beginning of the meal that that was your intention, when on previous occasions you have always split the bill, then I'm not surprised they were a little taken aback. I think it's a shame too that you appear to have embarassed your banker friend.
Just as an aside - not lovin some of the other posts where words such as "greedy" and "guzzling" have been used. We regularly go out for dinner with friends and I would never judge any of them in this way - if that's how people feel about folk they are dining with, then just don't go!
And....we always say at the start of the night "right, so what's gonna happen with the bill tonight? Are we just splitting it, or is anyone driving (therefore not drinking), or just having a main before having to shoot off somewhere?" Then everyone knows what's going on and there's no problem at totting-up time.

twolittlemonkeys · 29/03/2011 10:44

YANBU, DH and I don't drink so pre-DC our friends would never expect us to split the bill when we were drinking mineral water whilst they were on the wine. Good for you.

Northeastgirl · 29/03/2011 10:45

In the past I've often been irritated that I was subsidising other people's meals, when I deliberately chose a cheap meal to minimise the cost. Now I think it probably evens out over time and I don't like it when everyone starts being petty about who had the salad. However, in a smaller group where it's obvious who had what, I would try to ensure that the one non-drinker paid less etc

Morloth · 29/03/2011 10:48

I don't care either way, but you need to say it at the start. It is beyond annoying after a lovely meal to then have to spend time working out who had what.

Say it at the start so people can either ask for seperate bills then or at the very least keep track of what the plan is.

Chances are I will be drunk, and DH can't remember shit so you need to say at the start.

NetworkGuy · 29/03/2011 10:52

I'm with Bottleofbeer on this - YADDNBU to have more than covered your cost and left those who ate and drank more to cover themselves. Have been to various social events where orders needed beforehand so no quibbling over how much each person will pay, and those who choose an expensive selection get to pay for their choice without annoying others who have lesser needs (or limited funds).

Skinit · 29/03/2011 10:56

I have always hated it too....I have a tight budget and have to think about what I order...I don't want to be stressed everytime someone else orders a cocktail or a bloody lobster!

callow · 29/03/2011 10:57

I was recently at a work do (25 people) in an Indian restaurant. What I thought was a good idea was at the end the bills came around for they were for groups of 4. It was much easier to sort out who was paying what with the people next to and opposite you.

mousymouse · 29/03/2011 11:06

yanbu
if I eat considerable less I go to the counter/waiter and settle my bill separately. as I don't drink a lot that happens often as I don't want to pay for bottles and bottles of wine that I didn't drink.

tallulah · 29/03/2011 11:12

I hate splitting the bill. I don't drink, I'm veggie and I never have a starter, so I always seem to end up having to put in 2-3 times the cost of what I've actually had.

It is quite Blush to have to say even at the beginning of the meal "I don't want to split" because people think you are being mean.

The best places to go in a group are those with a set menu so everyone is paying more or less the same. Then the extra cost of the odd starter/coffee doesn't make too much difference.

Original poster
poopnscoop · 29/03/2011 11:25

Tallulah I cannot go to a place where there is a set menu as I literally can only have 1 small plate of salad (a starter). For dinner (for eg.) I manage half a side plate of cottage pie.

We enjoy our socialising and trying new restaurants and I don't want this to stop.. it's fun! I just need to ensure I pay fairly from now, which I will be.

OP posts:
TheBIGBadWolf · 29/03/2011 11:51

rude rude rude. pay for what you eat. forget cr@p social stuff. and here some people say YOU are being passive aggressive OP??? your friends are thoughtless gits.

2blessed2bstressed · 29/03/2011 12:23

Erm...Bigbadwolf - forget cr@p social stuff? Isn't that exactly what going out with friends for a meal is all about? Surely if op were to do that (as you so eloquently put it), she'd be better off not meeting them at all!

Cymar · 29/03/2011 13:05

I'm afraid I'm with NetworkGuy on this one. Logical thinking lad. OP, if you don't have expensive taste in food/drink why should you have to pay toward folk who do.

FWIW, you can still be social and have a separate bill if you request it with the restaurant before the actual day of the meal.

Pagwatch · 29/03/2011 13:15

God , I hate having an evening out and then, when you are ready to go home someone spends an hour working out who had the starter and who exactly ordered the extra coffee. So tedious. But then I will always add an extra £30 or whatever to cover my wine if I have been drinking and others are not drinking or driving. Or occasionally I pay for two bottles at the bar and get them put on the table. I only drink two or three glasses so I figure that balances it out - usually.

Original poster
poopnscoop · 29/03/2011 13:22

Passing the bill around and totting up what you owe can literally take a minute per person. Even without being a banker Grin

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 29/03/2011 13:26

But poop. You are describing how it should happen. That bears no relationship to the melee of random, inaccurate calculations shouted across the table by slighty drunk people.
Then you get it sorted and someone says ' but x and I paid £5 deposit each. Did you count that?'

every time.

Grin
KatieWatie · 29/03/2011 13:29

YANBU AT ALL!!

This is something that REALLY gets my goat to the point that I no longer go out with work because I know I'm going to end the night feeling p*ed off about it!

I eat very little - if we're having starters then I'll also have a starter for my main, and I'm often driving so don't have alcohol. Usually my share would come to about £15 but I nearly always end up paying double and subsidising everyone else.

One time I went out with work, we agreed we would all just pay for our own bit beforehand, and when the bill came they decided that was all too complicated and we'd just split the bill. I was seething but I paid up (more fool me) because I didn't want to look cheap.

In these "bill splitting" situations you can actually SEE people ordering sides left right and centre off the menu because they know others will pay for it. Disgusting!

These days I just avoid being in the situation altogether...

TobyLerone · 29/03/2011 13:32

I hate it when people refuse to split the bill. It comes across as petty and mean.

wordfactory · 29/03/2011 13:49

Oh God, I would never dream of asking to pay less juts because I wasn't drinking or not having pudding. So petty.

NinkyNonker · 29/03/2011 14:01

Yanbu in principle, but I do think you handled it very badly, unnecessarily so.

You say you always split and you expected them to notice that you're eating less....in that case why not just say at the beginning that you'll sort yourself out cause your needs mean you're not getting involved in eating and drinking a lot? You are as much, if not more to blame for continuing this situation. And why put her on the spot like that if you could see her working it out? Why not just call down the table..."hey, I've only put £10 in to cover mine and the tip, you know how little I can eat at the mo" or similar

Far less passive aggressive (sounds like you almost set up the situation in order to be righteously annoyed about it) and far more adult.

NetworkGuy · 29/03/2011 14:45

"sounds like you almost set up the situation"

What a ridiculous comment... I think having surgery is rather further than most people would go to "set it up"...

(Hope OP has seen health benefit from surgery.)

TobyLerone · 29/03/2011 14:52

I'm pretty sure that the "set up the situation" comment was aimed at the fact that the OP didn't say she wouldn't be splitting the bill at the start, and even went so far as to let everyone else wonder why the money didn't add up, before saying anything.

I'm also pretty sure you knew that, NetworkGuy Hmm

HappyAsIAm · 29/03/2011 15:00

YANBU, but I think you handled the situation on the night badly.

You knew that you woudl be splitting the bill (as this is what you have always done before), and you let everyone go through the process of splitting the bill before you said anything to the wider group. Letting it get to the stage where everyone was handing over the money means it was embarrassing for everyone. It needn't have been so.

Had you said to the woder group about paying simply for your share earlier, I don't think there would've been any issue. I don't think there's anything wrong with people only paying for their share. Its never been what's happened when I've been out with friends though, as it usually balances out - some people have a dessert, others drink a bit more.

Reminds me of an episode in Friends though when it was Ross' birthday and Rachel just orders a side salad.