To hope my sister is about to learn a really hard lesson?

[Sistertrouble]

where do I start.

Dsis was on her very last chance with her landlord and I think she has just blown it.
She rents the house she lives in but the council pay her rent and council tax.
Lets say my sister is not the cleanest person in the world, well her house is an absolute pigs sty, its dirty smelly, even flys have moved in.
The house has no order in it at all, clean and dirty clothes mixed together spread all over the house, kitchen draws hanging off, holes in the walls and doors,
Just a complete mess.
My parents and I are always bailing her out doing a deep clean, fixing things ect before her landlord does a check, but it never lasts, a few days later it's back to the way it was.
Her poor dcs have to live in that, they go to school in dirty clothes, they wear the same socks all week, their feet really smell, god knows why the school haven't said anything they must of noticed.
The beds never have any covers or pillow cases on, their bedrooms carpets all ripped up, the dcs have no boundaries and never told off when they're naught, my sister has no control at all.
I could go on and on but I won't bore you with it all, yesterday her landlord turned up out of the blue and of course the place was a tip, she came because neighbours made a complant about the state of the garden, the gate blew off, well so she says, but i know the kids climb up and down it.
The landlord has said she will be doing weekly checks from now on, she is going back next week.
The icing on the cake is her oh lives there and he works full time while she us claiming to be a single parent, the landlord knows this as she has been told by neighbors and has said she is going to tell the council what she knows.

Sorry this is long but aibu to hope he gets caught living there and landlord gives her notice for her to move out?

I don't think you sound like a bitch, OP. Her children are her responsibility, not yours, and you have three of your own already. You're doing the best you can. She's an adult - no one can force her to take help or change how she lives, all that can be done is the make it clear to her that there are consequences to living how she does.

The fraud has to stop, yes, because it could well mean jail time and/or fines which will make her life far worse.

I used to think that in circumstances as this children would be better off in care. However, my MIL grew up in care and speaking with her over the years has changed my views. A child growing up in care has a deep belief that they are not wanted. They grow up to think they have done something wrong and they are inately bad for their parents not to want them.

Most children in care move from pillar to post, very few are placed with one loving foster family all their lives. They have to mix with seriously disturbed children who bully and fight with the other children. It is a truely horrible childhood. I know it is hard to believe, but things have to be life threatening or there to be serious sexual abuse for a child to be better off in care.

I also strongly believe that family homes do not have to be clean and tidy to be warm loving homes. A couple of friends' houses always look like they have been burgled but I know their children are loved and feel loved. One friend's bathroom is always covered in scum, hairs and toothpaste but her daughter is popular and happy.

The mess and dirt you describe does not meet most people's standards of living but shows either a low level mental health issue like depression - which does not make her a bad mother by the way, or she genuinely doesn't care about the mess. May be it is just you and your mum that care about the mess.

Regarding her benefit fraud, well that is another issue entirely. As a tax payer who is being hit hard by all the cuts, I stand against benefit fraud. However, I get the feeling the 2 issues are blurred in your mind and you feel her getting caught for benefit fraud is somehow punishment for her not meeting your standards of cleanliness.

pingu2209 The problem is that the OP's dsis and oh do not meet the landlord's standards of being a good tenant due to dirt, broken cupboards and "flies moving in", they can loose their home because of it, yet seemingly they do not care. I honestly think this is nothing to do with mental health and it is beyond 'normal' and acceptable messiness. Both adults in the household are responsible for that, don't they?

aren't they? (fgs!)

I forgot about it being a rented home. The landlord has to protect his property and fully understand why any landlord in those circumstances would require weekly checks. If the OPs dsis is unable to maintain the landlords requirements she will end up with a Section 21 issued and have 2 months to leave her home.

But I don't think concern for the landlord was the reason the OP posted the message!

Additionally, the fact it the home is beyond 'normal' and acceptable messiness is exactly why it is more than likely to be a mental health issue. It is also not beyond the realms of possibility at all for both parents to have mental health issues. Quite often one partner's mental health issues can negatively affect the other partner's mental health - in ever decreasing circles.

It is a long thread but I don't think the OP has mentioned her niece and/or nephews behaviour in all this. As I said before, I have friends whose houses seem very similar to the OP's sister but their children are happy and healthy as they are loved.

She might want to move in with you.

She has mentioned that the 4 year old child can hardly speak and is still in nappies, neither are an issue in isolation and with the right help can be overcome but what is the mother of this child doing to aid it's development ?

pingu my nieces and nephews seem happy enough, there is a couple of issues, the 7yr old is being naughty in school at the moment, and the 4yr old hardly speaks and is still in nappies.
That's interesting what you say about mental Heath probs in one partner can bring the other one down, her partner in the past has been depressed, he is an emotional person and lacks effort iykwim.

No our mum has never left before, she was never really there as we was growing up, my parents both worked full time when we was younger, so we was on our own alot after school, and when our dad got in from work she would go to her shagging club darts club every night , our dad would just sit on the pc all night and left me to sort out dinner etc, writing this down sounds like we had a crap childhood, but to us it was normal.
I do feel our mum deeply regrets how she was and is trying to make it up through our dcs iykwim, our dcs stay at her house alot, and takes them on days out, not all at one go tho lol.

I'm 99% sure no drugs or alcohol play a part.

It is all very sad, and most sad of all is that this is not at all uncommon.

what about gambling? Online poker etc.

Thats a possibility unwind I don't know, she has never mentioned it to me that she plays games online.

She's looking after 4 young children on her own! I'm not surprised her house is a mess

Benefits are not a luxury life,they give you just enough to survive on and if your sister is as disorganised and messy as you say shes not going to budgeting very well is she?.

If I dont watch the pennies our food bills go sky high and we're not on benefit so convenience dinners here and there and chippy teas will soon drain her money a child in nappies at 4 is an additional outlay - they may have debts etc thats even if her partner is sharing his wages.

I think your sister is properly down about everything and wants to isolate herself from the world.

Sister we are not talking about normal family mess here. And she isn't on her own either. She has a regular partner who lives there, and a mother and a sister who frequently help out.

Sorry I meant that to princess

our dcs stay at her [mum's] house alot

Just curious about the amount of room, as you also said there was insufficient for more than DSis ?

[cumfy] my mum has bought a bigger house since then so now has two spare rooms