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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hope my sister is about to learn a really hard lesson?

223 replies

Sistertrouble · 26/03/2011 13:34

where do I start.

Dsis was on her very last chance with her landlord and I think she has just blown it.
She rents the house she lives in but the council pay her rent and council tax.
Lets say my sister is not the cleanest person in the world, well her house is an absolute pigs sty, its dirty smelly, even flys have moved in.
The house has no order in it at all, clean and dirty clothes mixed together spread all over the house, kitchen draws hanging off, holes in the walls and doors,
Just a complete mess.
My parents and I are always bailing her out doing a deep clean, fixing things ect before her landlord does a check, but it never lasts, a few days later it's back to the way it was.
Her poor dcs have to live in that, they go to school in dirty clothes, they wear the same socks all week, their feet really smell, god knows why the school haven't said anything they must of noticed.
The beds never have any covers or pillow cases on, their bedrooms carpets all ripped up, the dcs have no boundaries and never told off when they're naught, my sister has no control at all.
I could go on and on but I won't bore you with it all, yesterday her landlord turned up out of the blue and of course the place was a tip, she came because neighbours made a complant about the state of the garden, the gate blew off, well so she says, but i know the kids climb up and down it.
The landlord has said she will be doing weekly checks from now on, she is going back next week.
The icing on the cake is her oh lives there and he works full time while she us claiming to be a single parent, the landlord knows this as she has been told by neighbors and has said she is going to tell the council what she knows.

Sorry this is long but aibu to hope he gets caught living there and landlord gives her notice for her to move out?

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 27/03/2011 11:58

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swallowedAfly · 27/03/2011 12:00

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cumfy · 27/03/2011 13:07

It's really weird how simply wanting OP's sis to be helped constitutes giving the OP a hard time.Hmm
I wonder how much more detail is required before the she's probably just a slob let her get on with it brigade will have the slightest empathy.

OP you seem to completely lack the insight and reflection to appreciate the nature and degree of psychological damage the highly dysfunctional family circumstances have had on both you and your sister.

Why did you and DB flee and live anywhere, anywhere but "home".
Because it was really really fucking shit situation. No ?
So if you thought that at 16 and 17, how would a 12 yo cope with it ?

Time to start removing your head from your arse scales from your eyes, I think. Seriously.

You're not alright and the significant degree of conflict between

hope my sister is about to learn a really hard lesson

and the detail of your family history demonstrate this.

You need help, just nowhere near the amount your sister does.

Bucharest · 27/03/2011 13:21

What is the OP? Some kind of superwoman? She has 3 children of her own and here we are expecting her to take in another 4 and to do her sister's cleaning?

How many of the shame-on-you brigade on here would be prepared to suddenly take in 4 extra kids?

Form an orderly queue there. No pushing.

cumfy · 27/03/2011 13:28

take in 4 extra kids Confused

alfiesmadmother · 27/03/2011 14:31

hmmm

bemybebe · 27/03/2011 14:39

cumfy "she's probably just a slob let her get on with it brigade will have the slightest empathy."

I have the sympathy for the person but not the situation. She (OP's dsid) sounds like she does not give a damn. I do not know her, but she is not exactly busy posting on MN screaming for help "I cannot find inner strength caring for my own children, please help me!", is she? Does she not know that she is in serious trouble or does she think that whatever happens, things somehow will sort themselves out? I suspect - the latter. I may be wrong.
Her 'dear' P is not much better.

RunAwayWife · 27/03/2011 15:04

Sure as hell shows you want a mess the benefits system is, One child on your on is bad enough 4 bloody ridicules the tax payer who is being taken for a mug. Surly someone at the claims office can work out she is not the virgin Mary and so somewhere there is a man who is letting the decent hard working people pick up the tab for his off spring Angry

ScarlettWalking · 27/03/2011 17:40

It doesn't sound like much of the money is being spent on their education and welfare does it. Such a sorry state of affairs. Poor children with parents like that there is no hope to break the cycle of neglect. I hope ss help these children even if it means finding carers until they get their act together.

swallowedAfly · 27/03/2011 19:40

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princessparty · 27/03/2011 19:43

You sound like a right bitch to wish this on your sister and DNs

swallowedAfly · 27/03/2011 19:58

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ScarlettWalking · 27/03/2011 20:08

Wish what on them PP?

A better standard of life and basic human rights where they turn up to school clean, fed, verbal and healthy. FGS read the thread the children are suffering!

Sistertrouble · 27/03/2011 20:28

I sound like a right bitch do I, you have no clue so fuck off!
I know deep down they won't ever be homeless, I don't wish them homeless at all, I just wish there was something to make my sis realize she can't live like the way she does.
Well I've had a serious chat with her today, I'm taking her to the council this week and she has said she will inform them her partner is living with her. I think she wants a fresh start so they're going to hopefully rent somewhere else.
She has told me she is not Ill so I quess I will have to take her word for it.
I don't know what else I can do now, if it works out and she really does change this time all is good if not then i will seek prof help.
I just want to say my db and I did not flee, we had no choice but to find else where to live as there was no room at my mums house.

I don't feel like my childhood was terrible, it just went tits up when my mum left for a while, my dsis said she didn't feel it was that bad either.

OP posts:
RunAwayWife · 27/03/2011 21:02

I don't think you are a bitch at all OP
I think your sister needs a good kick up the backside.

swallowedAfly · 27/03/2011 21:27

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ScarlettWalking · 27/03/2011 21:37

Only you know what the childhood was like OP. Everyone else can project all they like it means nothing - only you know what's going on here as you are actually living it and seeing your family suffer.

You don't sound like a bitch in the slightest btw. Just rightly concerned about your DN DNs.

psiloveyou · 27/03/2011 21:43

I agree with calling SS.
I worked with a family just like this a few years ago. The mum had totally lost control of her home. She had 5 dc. Like the op her family had tried so hard to help her but nothing worked. The mum spent all her time playing computer games I cannot even begin to say what the house was like. It stank. There was no clear path through any room. The floors were knee deep in dirty clothes, rubbish, shit filled nappies. Dc all crawling with head lice and rarely at school.

The dc were taken into care. I took 2 of them another foster carer had the other 3. Between us and their SW we helped the mum get a routine in place so that she could cope with the house and her children. We planned simple menus, did charts so that the whole family had a routine that was easy for them all to follow.
The dc were in care for 10 months while we worked with their mum. Then they went home Grin
It was tough but once she realised she had to comply if she wanted her dc home she got on with it. When her house was tidy again she was so proud. Some people just can't cope with the work involved in raising a bigger family. When they lose control it can all overwelm and they give up trying.
I think she does need help from someone other than her family.

mummyosaurus · 27/03/2011 21:56

OP I have sympathy for you because supporting someone like your sister is very hard and frustrating.

A lot of people on here can't imagine what it's like in your position until they have tried to support someone who won't/can't help themselves.

It sounds to me like you have tried and are still trying to help. You actually can't take her in hand and do it all for her so there has to be another way to support her.

I have a similar situation with a friend who has DCs the same age as mine. I was worried if I told anyone the kids would get taken away, with hindsight I realise that was silly but I had to fight my strong instincts not to interfere/meddle - to mind my own business. In the end I decided I would feel terrible if something happened to one of friends DCs (who among other things, was having trouble starting school, not getting to school, when she did she turned up with long hair in a tangle and full of nits - school just ignored it all) and I had done nothing.

I ended up speaking to a family support worker at our local surestart centre, who knew both of us.

The Family support worker was able to arrange some help and check ups for my friend. It turned out SS were already involved but they needed a prompt because they weren't fully aware about the problems at school.

Good luck, keep strong and I hope your sis and her kids get some help and support soon.

Alambil · 27/03/2011 21:58

sounds like she could do with some outside help.

Parenting classes from Surestart if she has children under 5 - they can do a CAF too to get loads of other agencies to help before SS are called in, or they will work alongside SS too; Homestart to help her keep on top of the daily duties and some serious therapy (GP for this) to get her head in an ok place to survive longterm...

I really feel for her and you, OP.

Alambil · 27/03/2011 21:59

SureStart, oops!

swallowedAfly · 27/03/2011 22:35

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Alambil · 27/03/2011 22:40

the good thing about SureStart is the relationship will be built with 1 Family Support Worker and they can go with her to appointments, family/SS meetings if a team is made around the children and be a known face at any groups she may want to go to to make friends so having that one constant face may help - it's only one relationship to build then, rather than having a load of professionals and forgetting who's who and what they do and why they're in your house.

SnoozleDoozle · 27/03/2011 23:01

I have a sister like this too, and I fully understand the OPs feelings. My sister refuses to believe that anything is wrong with her situation. Social services were involved at one stage, but instead of seeing a social worker, she was paid a visit by a student, who commenced her visit by saying 'don't worry, there is nothing you could do that would make us take your children away', which my sister delighted in telling us (her concerned family) meant that we were bullies and there was nothing wrong with her living conditions.

My sister has been referred to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed no mental health problems. My sister is not a drug addict, an alcoholic or in an abusive relationship. She is, however, very selfish and very lazy. She has no energy or drive to look after her children, and no interest in doing so. We did not have an abusive upbringing, we had a privileged upbringing in a loving family. My sister refuses to be helped, because she does not see anything wrong.

Its very easy for people who have not been in this situation to say 'call SS, you are as guilty of neglect as she is' but the reality is that SS might not be interested - they certainly weren't in my sister's case. I love my sister, and my nieces, but I have given all the practical and emotional supprt that I possibly can, and it has all been rejected. Some people do not want to be helped, and I'm really shocked by how hard people have been on the OP as if this is somehow her fault, not her sister's.

Thingumy · 27/03/2011 23:07

Sister you do not sound like a bitch AT ALL.

You sound like a caring sister who is stressed out and can't see the light at the end of tunnel.

Ignore the idiots on here who say otherwise.