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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hope my sister is about to learn a really hard lesson?

223 replies

Sistertrouble · 26/03/2011 13:34

where do I start.

Dsis was on her very last chance with her landlord and I think she has just blown it.
She rents the house she lives in but the council pay her rent and council tax.
Lets say my sister is not the cleanest person in the world, well her house is an absolute pigs sty, its dirty smelly, even flys have moved in.
The house has no order in it at all, clean and dirty clothes mixed together spread all over the house, kitchen draws hanging off, holes in the walls and doors,
Just a complete mess.
My parents and I are always bailing her out doing a deep clean, fixing things ect before her landlord does a check, but it never lasts, a few days later it's back to the way it was.
Her poor dcs have to live in that, they go to school in dirty clothes, they wear the same socks all week, their feet really smell, god knows why the school haven't said anything they must of noticed.
The beds never have any covers or pillow cases on, their bedrooms carpets all ripped up, the dcs have no boundaries and never told off when they're naught, my sister has no control at all.
I could go on and on but I won't bore you with it all, yesterday her landlord turned up out of the blue and of course the place was a tip, she came because neighbours made a complant about the state of the garden, the gate blew off, well so she says, but i know the kids climb up and down it.
The landlord has said she will be doing weekly checks from now on, she is going back next week.
The icing on the cake is her oh lives there and he works full time while she us claiming to be a single parent, the landlord knows this as she has been told by neighbors and has said she is going to tell the council what she knows.

Sorry this is long but aibu to hope he gets caught living there and landlord gives her notice for her to move out?

OP posts:
Mandy2003 · 26/03/2011 16:47

So far I think everyone's said in response to the idea of ringing SS, that it will mean the children would be taken into care.

Unless they've all been cut recently, would a Family Support Worker not be more appropriate and likely to be offered?

bemybebe · 26/03/2011 16:54

Mamma... i think 4 children being "hard work" really depends on their ages. OP says her dsc are between 2-7. That is hard, but i do not think it still justifies living in pig sty as she describes the house.

I moved in with my dh and had his 4 dc with us when they were 6, 8, 9, 11. They were staying with us from Friday eve to Monday morning every week. Credit to their mother, I NEVER had to ask for help cleaning/cooking/gardening more than once. I never had to clean their rooms apart from a weekly thorough clean. I think their mother was just very strict enforcing this rule from when the eldest were around 5-6 and they just learned that this is the way it is.

scuzy · 26/03/2011 16:58

you never know what goes on behond closed doors. she obviously needs help - and not a cleaning lady, but long term support.

so instead of helping her clean up, why dont you and another sibling or parent see her, talk to her, tell her your concerns and make her realise what may happen to her children if things dont change.

be a sister .... be supportive!! dont judge just listen. try help her fgs!!!

mamatomany · 26/03/2011 16:59

I do think this can be resolved within the family though, social services have bigger fish to fry, this requires a matriarchal to take control of the situation and either kick some butt or drag her to the GP. If it was bad enough to require intervention the school would be onto it surely ?

LessNarkyPuffin · 26/03/2011 17:04

Sometimes people don't want help. And family can step instead of foster care.

Sistertrouble · 26/03/2011 17:07

We have tried talking to her many many times, she says she will change, we have offered to take her to her gp but she thinks nothing is wrong with her, reading my op back it does sound like I don't care but I really do,
My mum makes them home cooked food and takes it to them, at the weekend the older 2 are either at my house or my mums house.

OP posts:
Driftwood999 · 26/03/2011 17:07

I think we need to re visit the notion of a modern, compassionate, updated version of the Workhouse.

scuzy · 26/03/2011 17:08

besides the kids are the innocents ones here ... why would you want them to go into care and see your sister learn a lesson as you put it! they are your nieces and nephews!!!

scuzy · 26/03/2011 17:10

sistertrouble .... have you tried make her realise what the outcome will be if the lasnd lord reports and acts on this?????

what the hell does her dp do about this? what are his thoughts????

the more she thinks nothing is wrong the more i believe she really has depression of some sort.

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 17:11

your sister sounds like how i was until january. i was depressed. i had no driving force. nothing to make me want to get up and face another day in my shithole of a house. it was bad and i didn't know where to start to clean it so i didn't, i just kept on top of the basics. we ate, washed and had clean clothes but that was about it. my youngest is almost two and i had been like that since being pregnant with him. i am lucky, i was able to find my way out of the hole myself and i am in the process of sorting through the back log of life that i let slide over those two years.

your sister needs help. judgement is fine but it wont help her and her family. her partner needs to support her. why oh why has he not noticed that something is wrong with her???

i do think SS involvement will help here. i dont think the dcs need to be removed whoever suggested that they would be better off!! i know her youngest is only two but for me, it helps to know that i will be working again soon. would this be a possibility for her. i know it can be expensive and not everyone wants to be away from their dcs before they start school but then again, some people really need to have that element of purpose outside of the home. it can be extremely isolating to be home everyday with children that dont appreciate you.

i hope they all get the help they need. she needs to declare to the benefits agency that her DP is living with her. it will not help her at all if she loses her benefits. she will also not be benefitting from the guilt and worry of being caught out.

scuzy · 26/03/2011 17:14

booyhoo good post! and well done!!!

bemybebe · 26/03/2011 17:17

scuzy - why if people do not take responsibility for their lives it is immediately blamed on depression? maybe she just does not want to make an effort and finds her situation acceptable enough not to bother too much?

sometime i think people on mn compare other people lifestyle choices against their own values and if they do not match assume it is not a choice as such but some terrible outside circumstance that is forced upon the poor soul in question. the truth is often much simpler.

just my opinion and it is ok to disagree (have to put a disclaimer before i am flamed)

mollymole · 26/03/2011 17:18

i truly hope that you and the rest of the family are at least trying to help the children -
if your sister is not ill then she is idle, feckless and a (thief) benefit cheat.
and what about her partner living with her and making her a (theif) cheat - was does he actually contribute - would she be better off without him
i was brought in a big family and with a sahm there is no reason why the house should not be clean - untidy yes, but not dirty - and as to broken cupboards etc - this is totally unacceptable
i don't really have an answer - perhaps the landlords weekly inspection will help, but it does seem as though ss should be involved
hope things work out

Sistertrouble · 26/03/2011 17:20

They wouldn't go into care , my mum has always said she would take them in.
It's not just the state of the house, there is loads more, she gets money into her bank on a wed, it was her dc 2nd birthday on the thursday but never had any money to buy a present or cake because she over spend her money on a new phone and a tattoo, of course the dc didn't go without because yet again my mum helped her out.
I'm risking outing myself now.

OP posts:
bemybebe · 26/03/2011 17:22

boohoo - well done, but it sounds like the situation here is somewhat different. OP dsis AND her partner do not look after the children and keep the house tidy. other people help her cleaning on the regular basis.

or do you mean "help" a short sharp shock by ss to get up and start doing stuff?

Driftwood999 · 26/03/2011 17:23

Sistertrouble - From the OP, you sound as if you have done your utmost. It is exhausting to help someone that does not accept responsibility. I do not buy into the notion of her not being offered help, as clearly the family is in need with vulnerable children. The fact of the matter is that your sister should not be choosy about the help; if she is, she is impinging on their welbeing. Choice should be removed from her. She could become well, her children's life chances could improve.

bemybebe · 26/03/2011 17:24

sorry, did not mean "Brie" tidy, just not a unhygienic.

Sistertrouble · 26/03/2011 17:26

She would be way better without him, he brings out the worst in her, when he wasn't living there she kept the house cleaner, she has told me she doesn't really love him, but I think she is scared of being on her own.

OP posts:
scuzy · 26/03/2011 17:27

bemybebe thats a fair point. i guess i'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt ... we have no idea whats going on in hermind or what her relationship is with her dp. but it could also be as you stated! i guess i'm trying to see help her best you can there is only so much you can do i realise that i just feel for the kids and would do my best or at least involve others.

Waltons · 26/03/2011 17:27

sistertrouble, what does she do all day? Clearly not housework, shopping, cooking or socialising. Does she get her older kids to school, do they get there on time? Does she sit watching the TV all day? What has she ever said to you about how she feels about her life, the kids and the state of the house? You say that she says she will change, but have you ever asked her why she can't or won't or doesn't?

I wouldn't recommend the FlyLady thing personally - it's a bit of a guilt trip and she will just drown in patronising-perfect-mum-and-housewife emails. I have pretty high standards in the house anyway, but thought it could be interesting to shift a few things off the "to do"list. By 2 weeks in I was like Martha Stewart on speed and the family were ready to kill me.

Sistertrouble · 26/03/2011 17:35

I know the she has alot of online friends and spends alot of time on the pc, she doesn't take or pick up the dcs from school, if thier dad can't do it, she has our young cousin who lives around the corner do it for money.

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 17:36

by help i mean she needs a shake up. i got to a point where i was on my last letters before the baliffs arrived. it was my rock bottom and teh thought of my DCs seeing our possesions being carried out of the house was too much for me. i knew i couldn't let that happen. also, none of my family know how bad things were and i couldn't have explained the disappearance of our belongings without them finding out. i didn't want that.

your sister and her DP need to come face to face with the reality of where they are heading. i say they because it is absoloutely her partner's reponsibility too. if the children are being neglected he is just as much to blame. they both need to change things.

is there anyone at all in the family or who knows them that is a real straight talker, that will tell it to them how it is and take no shitty excuses from them? not you OP, sorry but you seem to be too judgemental about it and i think it would get in the way of what your sister needs to hear. if the landlord is giving them this chance of weekly check ups rather than giving them notice, do you think she would be open to having a word and letting them know exactly how close they are to a) losing their home (she has teh power to do that so they will believe her) and b) being found out as benefit frauds and losing your Dsis's only method of income.

Bloodymary · 26/03/2011 17:48

Where does the money go?

Are you sure that the DP (or herself even) do not have a drug problem, it can be quite easily hidden for some time!

RunAwayWife · 26/03/2011 17:55

TBH I think your sister deserves everything that is coming to her, she is everything that is bad about people today.

Hope the neighbours report her to social services as well, poor kids, having to live in that mess

BooyHoo · 26/03/2011 17:58

"she is everything that is bad about people today."

i am hoping you mean her partner aswell?

also, what exactly do you mean? what is it that is wrong with people 'today'?